


If Tomorrow Never Comes

by DivinelyUninspiredToAHellishExtent



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, But it'll be good at the end, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Alec Lightwood, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Magnus Bane Saves the Day, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Alec Lightwood, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:52:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 78,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19439014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivinelyUninspiredToAHellishExtent/pseuds/DivinelyUninspiredToAHellishExtent
Summary: He inches closer, his tattered, ugly shoes now hanging almost halfway off the edge. The water below is completely black and lifeless, just how he feels, just how he’s about to be as well. It looks threatening yet welcoming, and Alec feels his heart shatter as he starts to let himself fall, let the wind take over and pull him down, his already blurry eyes closing just as the last piece of his mind breaks away, just as his entire body finally goes on auto-lock and it feels like he’s turned to stone, a heartless, mindless, completely unimportant statue.Maybe if he’d been paying more attention to his surroundings, he would’ve seen the one, the only other car in the night drive up next to his. Maybe if he’d been paying more attention, he would’ve heard the slam of a car door ten feet away, feet slamming into the ground and a man yelling out.





	1. Day One

_ 2:00 AM. _

He peels the covers over his body, slowly, carefully. He’s in no rush.

The house is silent and so is he as he steps out of bed. His feet feel like cinder blocks on the wood floor, weighing him down and forcing him forward.

Darkness. 

It’s dark everywhere he goes, everywhere he looks. His childhood room. The smiling pictures looking back at him atop grey furniture, and he reaches out and turns them away with a lump in his throat. He stares at the boy in those photos, the fake grins. All of those faded memories feels like lifetimes away from what he had become. He’s sure the people in the pictures next to him had no idea that that little boy would do what he was about to do next, feel the way he feels now. 

Numbness.

He tries, for a short moment, to close his eyes for a second and think about what  _ they  _ would think about this, and it makes the lump in his throat grow larger. Sorrow. It’s the only thing he knows how to feel now, and he’s become so accustomed to it that the tears feel familiar, almost welcoming. He wipes one off his face. He’s not fazed by them anymore.

He moves away from the photographs.

_ 2:04 AM. _

His red, dull, Toyota Camry is sitting out on the front lawn, waiting for him from where he left it last night, knowing that he would back later. And now here he is. Maybe if someone was awake, they could’ve stopped him, he thinks. Maybe, in another universe, if his sister had gone down for a glass of water at the time he was leaving, she could’ve seen him and stopped him. She’s the only person in the world who somewhat recognizes the way he’s feeling because she can read him like an open book. She’s the only person that he knows doesn’t deserve to experience the loss from what he’s about to do. But this is  _ his  _ choice. He’d left her a note. He knows that nothing will make up for what he’s going to do, but that’s the best he can do.

_ 2:06 AM. _

Around the world, at this exact moment, hundreds of other people from their own lives are dying. There’s war, famine, disease, murders, suicides. So, _so_ many horrible things, _so_ _many_ horrible people, people that don’t deserve any of the great things they’re getting. 

And on top of that, so many amazing people that deserve so much more then  _ they’re _ getting. 

But why is Alec Lightwood different than any of these dying people? In the big picture, he’s smaller than an  _ atom  _ to all the other people, and he isn’t important to anyone. In fact, he’s a lot less than important to  _ lots  _ of people. 

He wonders if that’s a reason why he’s doing this, like maybe all those people are added reasons to it. Maybe all those people who he thought were his friends, who he loved and had feelings for ended up being the reason he’s lost the ability to feel like that now.

Because, no matter what he does or how hard he tries, it’s getting to the point where he doesn’t really feel things anymore.

He used to be all those things. He remembers a time when he was actually happy with who he was, happy with the people in his life and the life he was living.

He clutches the steering wheel tighter as his mind brings him back. He remembers trying to fix everything again, doing everything he could to try and bring back that joy he once had in his life. Now the only happiness he got was from small pieces of beautiful literature or a song. 

It isn’t enough. He’s still alone.

And Alec Lightwood is  _ tired  _ of it. 

The roads are empty and foggy, the moon covered from clouds, leaving only the light of his headlights leading the way. It feels suffocating, the dark clouds pressing in as if to crush him. He focuses on his headlights instead. They shine on the black streets like two, low battery flashlights in a graveyard. Trees curve over the car like long hands with spidery fingers, threatening to grab him with their dancing branches from the strong, evening wind. It’s cold, but he doesn’t bother putting on the heat. He even leaves the windows open, letting the cold slash at his skin. He likes the feeling of it—still not emotions, but something different.

Nothing.

In another time, Alec would’ve liked the look of his town dark and abandoned like a blown out candle in a pitch black room. All the shops were closed, locked, and dim. The street lights lining the road looks like sprinkles of bright color in the dead of night, like a ray of hope.

But not in the current time. Alec barely even notices a squirrel crossing the road. 

_ 2:15 AM. _

He drives straight through red lights; there’s no one on the road with him, there’s no point in waiting. It doesn’t even matter if someone sees him and reports him—he’ll be gone soon anyway. 

He doesn’t need to think anything through anymore; he already did that a while ago. The planning, decisions. Now is the time for action. It’s sort of nice—his racing mind can take a break, he can take a moment of peace. His last moment being one of peace, that’s what’s nice. 

It’s about a half an hour drive. His mind is mostly empty for all of it.

He stops the car right in the middle of the road. Right in front of the bridge. He steps out of it with a heavy heart, feels like he’s watching himself from a distance. He rarely feels this way, and when he does, he comes close to doing things like this. It’s no wonder he feels like this again. 

He steps up onto the edge of it, without thinking, or needing to. Once he’s standing right up on the stoney part of it, the part separating the rest of the world from the ocean, he looks down at himself. He sees what he’s always seen, his same worn out Adidas shoes, and decrepit clothing. He never thinks about what he puts on. Today hadn’t been any different, since he in fact didn’t even put anything new on. He’s wearing the same black t-shirt with the two holes at the hem with his saggy jeans that he’s had since the 8th grade.

His lip trembles and another tear comes down his face, tickling his cheek. The wind shakes him gently, wavers his loose shirt and makes him shiver. He balls his hands up into fists as more tears fall. He’s suddenly shockingly aware of everything around him; the deafening sound of the ocean right below him, splashing violently in tune with the wind, the scrap of his feet against the rocky ledge as he shifts from side to side, the lifeless world all around him. It’s the exact epitome of how he feels, and everything goes quiet again in his head.

_ 2:50 AM. _

He stays there for a little while, longer than he thought he would. Just staring at the long expanse of water in front of him, taking in deep breaths, and letting them out slowly. Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling…inhaling—

He chokes on a sob, lifting an arm and biting his sleeve to stop the noise immediately. It’s not like anyone’s going to hear him, he just knows he wouldn’t be able to stand hearing himself.

_ Pathetic. _

Alright. 

He inches closer, his tattered, ugly shoes now hanging almost halfway off the edge. The water below is completely black and lifeless, just how he feels, just how he’s about to be as well. It looks threatening yet welcoming, and Alec feels his heart shatter as he starts to let himself fall, let the wind take over and pull him down, his already blurry eyes closing just as the last piece of his mind breaks away, just as his entire body finally goes on auto-lock and it feels like he’s turned to stone, a heartless, mindless, completely unimportant statue. 

Maybe if he’d been paying more attention to his surroundings, he would’ve seen the one, the  _ only  _ other car in the night drive up next to his. Maybe if he’d been paying more attention, he would’ve heard the slam of a car door ten feet away, feet slamming into the ground and a man yelling out. 

_ 3:00 AM. _

The blow doesn’t hit like he expected it to. He thought it would be maybe more like a sharp slap to his entire body, and then everything would finally go black. But instead, he feels the wind knocked out of him, his body still there and leaning against something  _ hard _ , not water…

Alec Lightwood opens his eyes. 

He’s staring into a stranger’s eyes, golden-green and startlingly close to his own. 

His first instinct is confusion. Then realization. Then anger, he’s pushing the man away, shoving him in horror, kicking and screaming.

All his senses come back to him in a loud rush. He hears the man saying things, yelling is a more accurate word, right at his face as he holds him down. His hands are pinned above his head, scraping against rocks painfully. The man is taller than him, so it’s easier to hold down his whole body. 

Alec starts to sob, loud and wretched as he begs the man to let him go.

It isn’t until the man  _ actually  _ lets him go, that he stops. 

Tears are still running down his face, and Alec’s staring up at him in disbelief. The man had stood and outstretches a hand to him. He swallows heavily, panting, looking around desperately for a plan B. This really wasn’t how he saw this night going. 

So, miserably, he awkwardly shimmies away from the stranger, in the opposite direction. The man just steps forward, follows. 

“What do you want?” Alec finally spat after he’d had enough of their staring contest. 

The man cocked his head, pretending to consider. Alec scowled. Why couldn’t this dude just mind his own business?  
“Well, I suppose I’m here to stop you from taking your life,” his accented voice becomes soft at the end, and Alec wants to recoil into a ball in humiliation. This is actually happening to him. 

“How about you mind your own business?” Alec sniffs, looking away as he stands. He moves back towards the bridge. A hand clasps around his arm, stopping him. 

“And what? Just watch you jump off?”

“You could drive away,” Alec growls, ripping his arm from the grip. He still refuses to look back at him. 

“No one’s that heartless.”

Alec wants to say,  _ you don’t know that _ , or  _ well why don’t you become the first _ , but he knows that would be pointless. Because the man’s right. 

Another tear tracks slowly down his face, and he stands there silently. Neither of them speak again for maybe another five minutes. Maybe the man suspects that Alec’s changing his mind, but he’s really just waiting for the right moment to throw himself off again. 

And when he finds it, he does. He runs as fast as he can, further down the bridge so the man can’t reach him again, and then jumps on the ledge. He hears the guy yelling and chasing after him, but without looking back, he leaps. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Everything goes black. Alec Lightwood assumes he’s succeeded. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The next words he hears are from that same voice. “You should never feel doomed. Live. Live to see your future self. He has so much potential.”

Alec gasps awake. 

_ 4 AM. _


	2. Night One

_ 10:00 AM. Toulouse, France.  _

A woman slits her wrists, mourning the loss of her husband, her best friend. No one is there to stop her. No one’s there to tell her that things always get better, that pain never lasts forever. She isn’t as lucky as Alec Lightwood. 

_ 1:00 AM. Bonito, Brazil.  _

A small boy sits in bed, stomach full of pills. His friends and family don’t accept him for who he is. He thinks he’ll never find anyone who will. No ones there to tell him that that’s not true. No ones there to tell him to keep going on, that things will get better. He isn’t as lucky either. 

_ 4:00 AM, New York City, New York.  _

Alec Lightwood, laying like a starfish on his back in a stranger’s bed, doesn’t know how lucky he is. He, in fact, assumes that he’s quite unlucky at the moment. He’s feels more miserable and humiliated than ever, helpless, but those aren’t new feelings. He thinks about what could’ve happened, what maybe still could. He doubts there’s anywhere high to jump from in this small apartment, (at least its small from what he can see—he’s tied down to the bed), and that was the ideal way to do it. He doubts he’d be able to do anything anyway, with the way he’s tied. He just wants to leave already. Wants to end all the pain.

He then thinks of how close he was to freedom, closes his eyes and imagines if he had just let himself tip forward off that bridge a second earlier, he would’ve made it. Well, approximately  _ not  _ made it, but that was his goal. Or if that stupid idiot stranger hadn’t tackled him down. He could’ve escaped from it all—from all the pain, all the overwhelming sadness and guilt and fear of his life. 

But instead, here he was, laying alone being able to do nothing else but bask in his own thoughts. It was the  last thing he wanted to do. 

He hears a rattling door knob and lazily lifts his head in the direction of the sound, sees someone enter the room. It’s that man again, sporting his stupid, confident, tight clothes and a cappuccino skin. He thinks it’s something he would ask about if he cared enough. Alec sees the unforgiving look he has in his eye, the disapproval mixed with pity, a look his mother often held. He hated it. And he hates it even more on the man’s face. 

But he tries not to dwell on hate right now. It’s useless. It’s likely, after maybe a few hours, this dude‘s going to let him go and then he’ll forget about him another couple hours later. Most people are like that, he thinks, in this shitty, awful world. Alec wouldn’t blame the man if he was like that too. 

He shifts uncomfortably in his hot clothes. It’s January. It isn’t supposed to be so warm. Sweat sticks to the back of his neck and as he shifts he can feel it on the sheets, through his clothes. He always hated how easily he sweat, that was something about him, but he still wanted to blame it on the temperature of the apartment. So he does. 

“Jesus, d’you always have the heat this boiling hot?” Alec mutters. Stranger Man is now standing right in front of the bed, looking down on him like a mother on a child after the kid commits some sort of disappointing act. Alec squirms a little. “What?”

Stranger Man puts his hands on his hips. Alec snorts. “What?” he parrots. The first thing Alec’s irrational mind comes up with as a snarky comeback is  _ what what?  _ to just continue this on, but he doesn’t want to waste time. He rolls his eyes instead, as a reply. 

Alec prides himself in his sarcastic personality. It’s humorous (to him, at least), and it can cover up practically anything he feels, like a shield. If he wants to get really deep, he likes using it as a defense from people. But Alec doesn’t like getting that personal with it. 

“So. Do you always tie up strangers you find on the road or just the ones you wanna fuck?” It’s not the best he’s come up with, but he couldn’t help the BDSM joke. And from all the man’s eccentric clothing and brightly colored walls, he takes a wild guess the guy’s gay. He has to be at least bi. 

Stranger Man is not amused. It does, however, encourage him to untie the knots at his wrists and feet. Alec breaks free as soon as he can, jumping from the hot bed. He takes a careless stroll around the room, shoving his hands down his pockets and pretending to look around and observe the space. He’s really just looking for a way out. 

“Nice place,” he tuts. After an awkward pause of silence, Alec decides to bring up something more important. “You know, I could press charges. For you tying me up without my consent and all.” 

Stranger Man blinks. “You won’t.”

Alec notices the slight rasp in his voice, the weary eyes. He guesses that’s from staying up so late. He faintly wonders why the man was driving around at such an early hour, but again, he doesn’t care. 

He frowns. He shouldn’t have to keep telling himself that. 

Alec focuses back on the man. He purses his lips, mostly for dramatic effect. “Cocky. What makes you think that?”

He shrugs. “I could say that you were dangling off a bridge contemplating suicide,” he says simply. 

_ Blunt, _ Alec notes. The police are wordlessly mentioned in their little conversation, and Alec wants nothing to do with them. Oh well. He supposes the tying wasn’t that big a deal. 

“Touché.”

They have a stare-down for a few minutes, Alec forcing a smirk and Stranger Man still giving him that disapproving look he hates so much. Alec gets bored at minute three, but luckily, the man puts a stop to it as well. 

“How old are you?” he asks softly. 

Alec’s heart wavers slightly, and a wave of thoughts hit him all at once—he feels a strange twist of fondness, and one of hope that someone else might actually care about  _ him  _ for once, but he quickly stamps it down, rejecting all the good thoughts and spitting out disgusting, genuine reality. Sometimes he wishes he didn’t have that black hole part of his mind, and other times he’s thankful for it. He’s not sure what he feels for it now. He doesn’t want to think about that. 

“Why should I tell you?” says Alec. 

“I’m just asking.”

Alec says nothing. His hands are twitching in his pockets. Stranger Man lets out a loud, long sigh. 

“Alright. Let’s start with some basics then. What’s your name?”

Alec hesitates. “Cooper.”

Stranger Man gives him a skeptical look, like he doesn’t quite believe him, but is too tired to question it. “Okay Cooper, I’m Magnus.” This feels like the part where he would extend a hand, but they both stubbornly stand still. Apparently-Magnus’s hands stay crossed on his chest, Alec’s in his jean pockets. 

It’s too risky, giving out his real name. Magnus could use it to find his parents or give it to the police and the last thing he wants is the spotlight on himself like that. The police aren’t going to be involved.

Alec stretches his head past Magnus, looking at the exit from the small room. It’s half open. He could make a run for it, he considers. 

Though, judging from the way Magnus attacked him and held him down earlier, Alec doubts he’d be able to get past him again. 

He takes a moment to study this Magnus. He has smears of multi-colored glitter under and around his eyes, like he’d be some sort of party boy but his eyes don’t portray that. They’re wise, thin adult eyes, making Alec sure that he’s certainly Asian. He has purple painted nails with an array of rings and jewels displayed on his fingers. So yes, definitely gay or bi. Alec feels a small tingle in his chest—he secretly admires how confident and fearless he is to wear things like that. He admires all people like that, because he would never have the courage to do so, even if he wanted to. 

“Can I leave? No offense, but this is starting to get kind of boring,” says Alec. 

Magnus blinks at him. “No.”

Alec blinks back, mocking the look on his face. “Um, why?”

Magnus sighs again. “Because you’re just going to go out there and try to kill yourself again.”

Alec scowls at him. “It’s none of your business what I do or don’t do. Plus, I’m just some stranger kid. You don’t know my story. Why are you trying to protect me? Leave me alone.”

Magnus scoffs. “Well, for one, you could  _ tell  _ me your story. As you said, we‘re strangers. You can tell me.”

“What if I don’t want to tell you?” He’s starting to get uncomfortable. He doesn’t want this to end in Magnus knowing all about him, because that’s what he likes about stranger people. He can be whoever he wants to be with them. But the way Magnus is so casual about it is making it more and more tempting to just vomit it all out. 

Magnus shrugs, unclenching his arms from his chest to tug on the hem of his V-neck t-shirt, exposing a few sparkling necklaces dangling from his neck. Alec tries not to stare at the outline of his abs and muscles through the thin, stretched material. He’s damn well built, sue him. 

“Well that would be a pity, because I’m not letting you leave.”

Alec rolls his eyes again, pretending like the care that this Magnus is showing isn’t bringing a lump back to his throat. He’s suddenly brought back to the last time he saw Magnus, to when he was pinned to the ground sobbing, right in front of him. So he guesses he can’t really be exactly who he wants to be with this stranger, because Magnus has already seen this vulnerable side of him. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he told him. 

Alec cringes, feels his hackles rise. No. 

_ Just wait it out, pretend your okay until he lets you go. Or until he leaves the room and you can jump out the window.  _

Alec turns halfway and glances out the window behind him. It’s half-way open, and for the first time he feels the cool breeze coming from it, washing over his skin and causing him goosebumps. It’s a split second glance, but Magnus, apparently, can still read his mind. 

“Don’t jump out the window. I’ll have to tie you down again,” he says seriously. 

“Oh boy,” Alec says, as if it’s a scary threat. He knows he wouldn’t be able to get out of those ropes, though, deep down. “Well how can you tie me down if I’ve already jumped out the window?”

_ I can be blunt too.  _

Magnus drags over a chair from the small wooden desk-and-lamp set across from the bed and takes a seat, crossing his legs and frowning up at Alec. 

“Well I won’t let you do that.”

Somewhere, in another universe, Alec feels a sting of anger. He knows his old self would lash out at this man and  _ would  _ call the police and well, take the situation in like a normal person. But he also knows his old self never would’ve even met this man, probably, definitely not in the way that they met. 

And this new version of himself knows that anger is a stupid, useless emotion that only causes problems. He doesn’t feel it. 

“Alright then. Guess I’ll just hit the hay. Where’s your guest room?” Alec’s really just trying to find his nearest escape out of this situation. 

Magnus shrugs. “Don’t have one.”

“You don’t—” He cuts himself off with a sigh, crossing his arms. “Well then where am I gonna sleep?”   


Magnus gestures to the bed right in front of them like it’s the most obvious option in the world. Alec feels that hint of anger pull up again, but again, he doesn’t let it reach him. He won’t. 

“No. I’d rather your couch.” Alec starts towards the door, but a firm grasp on his upper arm stops him. He glares at Magnus. 

“No. I’m not risking you escaping.”

God, this man won’t let him catch a  _ break _ .

“What—I could escape from your bed too you know.”

“I would hear you,” says Magnus. “I’m a light sleeper.”   


“Well if your a light sleeper then how do you know you wouldn’t hear me escaping from the living room?”   


Magnus shrugs again, like this conversation isn’t an argument but just a regular talk between friends. He wonders for a second how many situations like this the man has to have been through to act this casually, or if he’s just doing that to spite Alec. 

“Not the same. Kid, listen, your sleeping in my bed, just deal with it.”   


Alec’s now tempted strongly to do the very opposite of that just because he said that, but he decides to flip his mature switch on and agree with Magnus, for once. Not out loud, of course; he flops onto the far left corner of the bed, scooching himself as far away as possible from the side Magnus’ll sleep on. He doesn’t feel like bothering with the sheets—there’s too damn many of them, all tight and complicated like ones at a hotel room. 

After maybe half an hour passes, the light finally switches off and Magnus is climbing in bed next to him. He feels the bed dip and he sighs, letting out a small pocket of relief. He doesn’t know why spending time with this stranger and being near him calms him so, but if it works, it works. He suddenly just wants to crawl over to Magnus’s side of the bed and hug him and be hugged back and taken care of, and—

_ Oh god. _

Ew. Alec pushes those thoughts away, hard, and shudders slightly. He needs to focus on sleep. That’s all he needs to do. Just focus on sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. 

Magnus didn’t lie about the light sleeper thing. When he was twelve, he awoke to one of his curtains being ruffled slightly from the wind. After that, he couldn’t sleep again until he’d stood up and closed the window. 

So that’s why he’s awake now. It’s going to be a long night, and he’d known that before he’d even gotten in bed. What he  _ hadn’t  _ expected, however, was to be woken up, quite abruptly, from the sound of Cooper next to him tossing and turning and…whimpering?

He was also more than halfway sure that the kid's real name wasn't Cooper, but he didn't want to push him anymore than he already had. 

Magnus couldn't see him; he was still turned on his side, facing completely away from Cooper and refusing to turn back and look. He feels Cooper brush against him a couple times, every time he moves particularly violently, and he resists the urge to scooch farther away, even though he really has nowhere to go. 

A few minutes later, it gets worse, and Magnus is starting to genuinely worry what’s going on. It’s probably just a nightmare, he thinks, but it would be quite rude of him to just lay there quietly when he has the choice to wake him up and get him out of it. Cooper won’t be happy about it, though. 

_ Whatever. _

Magnus whips around, faster then he meant to, and grabs Cooper to start to shake him awake. His black hair is sticking to his forehead with sweat, and his eyes are moving fast behind closed lids. He’s fighting against Magnus’s grip, Magnus thinks, just like before, when they were on the pavement. 

“Cooper. Cooper wake up.”   


Cooper doesn’t. He tries harder, gripping his shoulders tighter and really shaking. 

“Cooper, c’mon. Wake  _ up _ .”

Cooper stirs slightly, and his eyes stop moving as quickly as they were before behind his eyelids. He’s still thrashing, though, and still asleep. He’s also panting now, mouth hanging open like he’s in shock. Magnus wonders what he’s looking at in his dream. 

“COOPER.”   


The boy jolts awake, giving a whimpery gasp as he stares at Magnus with wide, scared eyes, looking nothing like the naive, sarcastic, witty boy Magnus had had to deal with earlier. Also, his eyes are wet, amplifying the many different hues of blue color swirling around in them. Magnus feels a pang of sympathy for him. 

“Wha…Magnus?” Cooper takes in a shuddering breath, and he starts to calm down, blinking rapidly and taking in the situation. His hands have come up to clutch at Magnus’s upper arms, like he’s holding on for his life. “Oh. Magnus.”

He seems to realize he’s back in reality, and then his eyes cloud over, and suddenly they aren’t that pretty, sweet, vulnerable color they were a second ago; it looks like he put up his armor again. 

“Yeah. Magnus,” says Magnus. “Are you okay?”

Cooper's brows furrow together and he gives what looks like his best attempt at a sneer. “Why wouldn’t I be? Why are you awake? And on top of me?  _ Again? _ ” he snaps. His voice sounds different too, Magnus notes, when he puts up his armor like that. 

Mangus takes a deep breath. “You seemed to be having…a bad dream. I thought it wouldn’t be nice to just leave you to suffer through it.”

Cooper shoves him off, and Magnus goes easily, rolling back over to his side of the bed. Cooper's staring at the ceiling intently now, like it should give him some sort of answer. His arms have crossed protectively over his chest. 

“Yeah, well, you didn’t need to. I’m fine.”

Magnus snorts. He assumes Cooper understands that he doesn’t believe that for one second, because he huffs angrily and doesn’t say anything else.    


“Do you wanna talk about it?” says Magnus, mustering up the softest voice he can with this annoying teen. Stupid, annoying, gorgeous teen. That might not even be that young anyway.   


“No,” he says almost immediately. “It’s nothing anyway. Why do you care?”

“Why am I supposed to not care? And also, I’m a human, I guess unlike you. I have  _ feelings _ , like sympathy.”

“Yeah, well I don’t need your sympathy. I didn’t ask for it.”

“Bu—” Before Magnus can finish, however, Cooper's thrown himself back over to his side, pulling the covers up aggressively showing that he definitely doesn’t want to talk anymore. Magnus sighs, but doesn’t push it.

About fifteen minutes later, however, when he hears Cooper begin to cry softly, he decides enough is enough. He turns around for what feels like the hundredth time that night and, instead of wrapping both his arms around him like he’s guiltily tempted to do, he just rests a hand on Cooper's shoulder. 

He jerks, apparently not realizing that Magnus heard him sobbing silently, and tries to fight him off at first but eventually accepts it. Magnus's relieved. 

A minute or two later, the crying resolves into small sniffling. 

"Alec. M'name's Alec," he says, so quietly that Magnus wasn't sure he'd even heard it. 

_ Alec. _

Magnus smiles, rubs his arm ever so slightly, but doesn't say anything else. For Alec's sake. 

They both manage to rest peacefully again for the full extent of the night. 

Magnus ends up waking up before him, and, with great surprise, sees him cuddled under his arms softly, heavy head on Magnus’s chest. Guess they must’ve moved like that in their sleep. Magnus forces himself not to feel anything from it, no matter how blissfully peaceful and normal the boy’s features look when he’s not clenched in anger or holding up an armor. His lips are parted slightly, and his eyes are definitely moving a lot less under the eyelids then they were earlier in the night. Magnus can’t help but think how innocent he looks laying there, the sunlight washing over his pale skin. Oddly beautiful. 

He wonders who would want to hurt such a boy like this. And why.

_ Let me help you. I can get you there. Talk to me. _  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so yeah writing Alec with the name Cooper was super weird but I hope y'all liked reading it and leave a comment on watchya think also side note idk why there's still notes from like my other chap on this one??? I rlly have no idea how this website works lol someone plz explain to me.


	3. Pinpricks of Emotion

After an exhausting, fitful sleep, things between them start to slow down a bit more. 

Once dawn comes, Alec rises quickly, waking up almost at the same time Magnus does, but Magnus pretends to be asleep so Alec isn't be too embarrassed about the position that they had ended up in. He’s at the door in a second, shoes in hand.

“Woah, woah, hey,” Magnus faintly protests, scrambling to sit up while rubbing his eyes from the crack of sunshine from the curtains. “Wait—wait a minute, will you?”

Alec gives Magnus a sort of half glance back, but still hesitates to move. That’s progress, Magnus thinks wearily. 

“Where—where are you going?” he asks after Alec stands there waiting, lips thinned shut. 

He looks around sort of nervously, then bows his head. “Home.”

Magnus is confused, to say the least. But his sleep-fried brain is still having trouble comprehending anything, so for a minute all he can do is gape at him. Alec sighs, bending down right in the doorway to tie the laces of his running shoes. 

“So you…you have a home? You’re alright, and everything?” says Magnus, trying not to sound too surprised. He really doesn’t see why he should be. 

Alec pauses mid-lace-tie and gives Magnus a funny look. “Well, yeah.”

Magnus blinks. “O—okay, I—good,” he says lamely.

Alec shifts, switching his feet to tie the left foot. He gives a sort of smirk at Magnus, but the emotion behind it makes Magnus uneasy. “What, d’you think I was some lost, homeless kid?”

Magnus just sort of shrugs awkwardly, putting his hands in the air. “I don’t know.”

Alec snorts, then finishes off his left foot. He tugs on his t-shirt, adjusting the hem, and Magnus sees a flash of black behind the collar that catches his eye. As quick as he can, he swings his legs out of bed and rushes up to Alec, placing a hand on his chest to keep the collar down so he can see it. Alec stiffens, then raises an eyebrow at him. Magnus is inspecting the black ink. 

“Is that a tattoo?”

“Yes.”

“It’s…real?”

“Yes.”

It was some sort of curved design that Magnus didn’t recognize, a thin, simple drawn line with a wavy line going through it. Then there were some other small details like small swirls and random placed circles. It looked sort of like a symbol. 

“Why do you find this so interesting?” Alec says, amused. “It’s called a rune.”

Magnus finally moves his eyes up to Alec’s face, and is startled by how close they are. He can smell a slight whiff of his morning breath, which really isn’t that bad, even. Alec seems to notice this at the exact moment too, and he averts his wide, blue eyes and steps back. Magnus lets his hand fall back to his side.    


“What’s a rune?” he asks.    


Alec shrugs, scratching the back of his neck. “Sort of like an ancient design that my ancestors used to think, like, protected them or something. They all mean different things, but not in the way you’d think.”

“So not like a mood ring then?”

Alec chuckles softly, and Magnus takes in the fact that this is the first time he’s really seen his smile. It’s nice. “No, no not like a mood ring.”

Magnus is half astonished half pleased that Alec actually shared something about his life, but Alec seems to think the exact opposite judging by the look of horror on his face. 

Magnus doesn’t want to give up there, though. “So do you live with any family?”

Alec seems to have a mental battle with himself for a moment, then relents and answers, “Yeah. Mom, Jace and Izzy.”

Magnus cocks his head, and he moves from one foot to the other. He’s nervous. This is the most he’s gotten out of Alec and he can’t risk screwing it up here. “Jace and Izzy? Siblings?”

Alec nods. Magnus returns it. 

“Nice. Tell me about them.”   


Alec’s face makes a weird sort of twist as he does that mental argument again, and this time Magnus’s  _ sure  _ that he’s going to call it off, just walk away and say  _ mind your own business  _ for what feels like the millionth time since he’s been brought into the flat, but he surprises Magnus once again. 

“Jace is…okay. He’s usually out partying or sleeping with girls, though, and whatever times he  _ is  _ around the house we don’t really…talk much.” Magnus can see a deeper, more painful meaning through Alec’s eyes, but he doesn’t want to stop him now. Alec’s on a roll. He’ll ask more about Jace later. “Izzy’s, like, the one person in the world I’m actually close with, and um, she’s probably worried sick about where I am right now—if I disappear like this, I’m usually back by morning.” He says it with emphasis, like he’s blaming Magnus for holding him captive still, but Magnus ignores that. He focuses on how his voice went an octave sweeter when talking about ‘the one person he’s actually close with’ and Magnus feels something big and warm gripping his heart, filling him up. 

But then he remembers another part of the speech.  _ If I disappear like this.  _ Magnus’s stomach tingles and lurches at the thought of poor Alec going out again and again, every night contemplating doing what he’d almost done just before. He represses a shudder. 

“Well they sound pretty nice,” he finally says, and Alec simply nods, still refusing to meet his eye. He’s toying with a dark, plaited bracelet on his wrist, old and frayed, and his eyes dart around constantly, blinking and shaking a little like he’s on edge. He’s sort of tense, Magnus realizes for the first time, looking like he’s waiting for something to happen, something  _ bad. _ His quick and jerky movements add to his anxious aura, and even from a few feet away, Mangus can hear his uneven breathing. He wonders if Alec’s going into some sort of shock. 

_ From what? _

“Would—do you want some breakfast? Or anything to eat? I’ve got a pretty full fridge, some coffee maybe even—”

Alec’s shaking his head before Magnus can even finish. “No. No no, it’s okay. It’s, um…I’m fine.” 

Alec’s unresting eyes land on Magnus for a millisecond, and then they’re swimming back all around the room like a restless fly. His eyebrows are pulled close together, like he’s concentrating on something. 

Okay, what the fuck is going on?   


“Alec? Are you okay?” Magnus’s voice scares Alec so much he jumps, apparently having been accustomed to their earlier silence. 

Alec gives Magnus that same funny look he gave him earlier. “Yeah. Anyway, I should—I’m gonna leave. Now. Goodbye.”

He bolts in the other direction before Magnus has a chance to object, and Magnus hurries after him, grabbing a silk, grey robe from his bathroom to protect himself from the November cold.

“Wait— _ wait! _ ”

Alec stops at the door, turning on his heel so fast that their noses bump as Magnus crashes him into the door. Alec blinks rapidly for a moment, biting his lip and breathing harshly from his nose, like he just went through a physical effort. Magnus takes advantage of his spot so close to Alec’s perfect face, examining all the stray freckles and messy eyebrow hair and chapped lips, bitten red lips…Magnus feels about the same way, panting like a dog. 

“What?” Alec says a little breathlessly.

Magnus’s mouth drops open; he’s completely forgotten what he was going to say. Alec waits, gratefully. 

“Um, you, I—um. Just—just a sec—” Magnus steps back from Alec, leaving him almost aching to be back in his warmth, (and…that’s strange. That should be strange, shouldn’t it?), and grabs a small notepad and pen he keeps in one of his kitchen drawers. He scribbles down his number as fast as he can write without breaking a finger, and thrusts his arms forward, offering the ripped piece of paper. Alec, expression unreadable, takes it slowly, and his eyes widen slightly when he sees what it is. Then they narrow.    


“Why are you giving this to me?”

“Keep in touch,” says Magnus. He pulls the robe more securely on his half-naked body from where it was slipping. “Please. Just call me, like, every other day or something. Whenever you get the chance. You know, as a friend.” Magnus adds that last part on a whim, hoping strongly Alec will fall for it. 

“Oh? As a friend? So not as a therapist?” His eyebrows fly to his hairline, and Magnus sighs. 

“Just…please. Promise me.”

Alec takes a moment of silence. Then a small, “okay.”

Even though he knows it’s a lie, Magnus feels a poke of relief and hope in his chest. “Okay,” he repeats, then smiles. Alec doesn’t return it, just shoves the sheet in his jean pocket and turns out the door. Magnus watches him go sadly, oddly feeling like a father watching his child head off to kindergarten for the first time, even though he knows that what he feels for Alec is definitely not a father and son bond. He hasn’t decided exactly what the feeling is yet, though. Maybe he doesn’t want to.

  
  
The next few days pass by slow for Magnus.

Each one is always the same, tired routine, and Magnus was seriously hoping Alec would’ve called him to give him some sort of aching entertainment throughout the monotone week. Although, of course, that wasn’t the only reason he wants Alec to call him. 

He’s grown fond of Alec, an ability he finds difficult to do with most. Alec’s just full of surprises. 

But without any of his contact information or knowing where he lives, there’s a good chance that he’ll never see Alec again. Which is a real shame—black hair and blue eyes is a rare combination, and one of his favorites. 

Magnus runs into Miguel, his friendly, apartment neighbor, on the way out of his house and to work. He’d be happy to see old man Miguel in any other situation, but he’s nearly late for work and that’s the second time he’s overslept in the past month and his boss  _ won’t _ be happy if he’s late again. Sweet, old Miguel still desperately tries to tell him a story on his way out, however, like he always does. With his thick lisp and rambling, however, Magnus literally never understands a word that he’s saying. 

He has to push away from Miguel on the way out. Thankfully Miguel isn’t the type to hold grudges. 

Work at a busy New York restaurant is hectic and exhausting as usual.  _ Swip  _ is ultimately famous for their lobster and fries, and Magnus can’t count the amount of times he’s had to deliver that meal to people. So many times, in fact, he’s grown sick of lobster and fries. 

He usually passes his shift in a stressful dream, pushing it out of his mind as soon as he’s gone because he doesn’t want to think about doing that all over again the next day. But something interesting happens at work today that he isn't expecting, and that catches his interest enough to remember it throughout the entire day. 

He’s doing his usual thing, waiting his usual tables when someone catches his eye. It’s a beautiful girl, long, flowy black hair down to her waist and stretchy, tight clothing. Sweet, porcelain skin. She has dark eyes and a familiar smile, but Magnus can’t quite put his finger on who she reminds him of yet. She’s sitting across from another woman who’s a spitting image of her, just older. 

It bothers him the entire time she’s there, and he doesn’t figure it out until he passes their table again and hears a snippet of their conversation that makes him almost drop a cup.

“...and Alec said he’d show, mom, I swear, I just—”   


The girl trails off, and Magnus stares at her with a dropped jaw. She seems to notice though, and gives him a very familiar funny look that he guesses runs in the family. 

“Are you alright?” she asks him, and Magnus shakes himself out of it. 

“Yes. Yes. Um—weird question—are you Alec’s sister? Izzy?”

The funny look she’s giving him amplifies. “Yes? Why? Are you a friend of Alec’s?” The older woman across from her is studying the two of them carefully, like she’s taking notes in her head. Magnus starts to feel a little uncomfortable. 

“Well, um, I guess you could say that.” He wonders if Izzy knows anything about what he did, or even how he’s feeling. He really hopes she does. “We met a few days ago. He just, uh, hasn’t called me yet,” Magnus admits quietly. 

Izzy covers a little snort with a cough. “Yeah, well, that’s my brother. I don’t really know what’s been up with him lately, honestly; he hasn’t been showing up for anything we invite him to, he’s very distant and like, cold, I—” she cuts herself off with a frustrated breath, and Magnus feels for her, he really does. He can’t imagine the feeling of having to go through that with someone who you love, someone who acts how Alec does and not being able to know what’s really happening. He wants it all to her now, but he knows it’s not his to tell.

“Yeah, he uh—yeah.” Magnus scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “So, anyway, I should—” Mangus shoots a thumb behind him, starting to step back when Izzy grabs his arm suddenly and stops him. Her grip is stronger than he would’ve expected it to be.

“Do you know what’s going on with him?” Izzy’s starting to study him like the older woman across from her is, and Magnus feels even queasier with two sets of glowering eyes on him. These people were intense. “How did you two meet?”   


“Can we take about this later?” he says as kindly as he can. “It’s just…we should do this in private somewhere. Or at least when we’re both free.”   


Izzy nods, immediately looking apologetic, and they exchange each other’s numbers. She leaves maybe a half an hour later with her mother, shooting Magnus a friendly smile and swishing her hips. Magnus feels hope, for the first time in days, that he might get to see that blue-eyed boy again. 

By the time his shift is finally ending, it starts pouring outside. Which is annoying, because he didn’t quite recall seeing anything about thunderstorms in his weather app and he hadn’t prepared his hair for it. Plus, he hates storms. 

Thunder roars and booms above the little diner, wind swinging trees and raindrops all around. It sounds like heavy stones falling down wooden stairs, and every time a new one claps, at least one person in the place jumps. 

He hates thunderstorms. They never bring anything good, there’s just damage damage damage. They don’t help anyone, they don’t do anything except hurt—sort of like a nature heart-breaker. That’s what he loves calling them.

And worst of all, they mess up one’s hair. 

He dreams of a perfect utopia, one without bad weather and bad things and bad people, and he puts himself in it for a minute, ignoring the pattering rain outside to just focus on pure happiness. It doesn’t last long, though, because soon his shift is  _ actually  _ over and he’s parked his car slightly further away from where he usually does today. Which means more walking without an umbrella in the rain. Great. 

“Have a nice day!” Ging With Nose Piercing says to him on his way out. He sort of hadn’t bothered with names at his job, and he has no regrets. He waves back, trying not to convey how upset he is about his soon-to-be messed up hair. 

Turns out it his hair  _ does  _ survive the trip to his car, although a little scrambled, it’s fixable. Once he’s one the road and driving home, he can’t take his mind off Izzy and Alec and the other night. He has a  _ million  _ questions, and the longer he can’t get an answer for them the more frustrated he gets, though he doesn’t even know why. It’s their business. He shouldn’t poke his nose into someone else’s life so much, and he knows this. He has to tell himself this multiple times on the whole ride home, however. 

It’s still drizzling softly when he parks his car outside his apartment building, giving the world around him a light tint of fogginess. He rolls his eyes as he grabs his bag and phone, not really paying attention when he opens his car door to step out. Which is a mistake. 

The first thing he takes in is a startled yelp, one that sounds like a little boy. The next thing he notices is that he’d hit something, something hard, when opening his car door. And then he sees the cyclist on the ground, crumpled in the cement. Oh god.

“Ohgodohgodohgod.”

Magnus moves faster than he ever has in his life, almost falling onto the ground himself as he scrambles out of his car to kneel beside the boy. He doesn’t see his face, all he’s thinking about is that  _ he just hit a biking pedestrian who has the ability to press charges and he barely has enough money to pay rent and— _

The man groans softly, moving slowly out from underneath the bicycle. Magnus tries helping him, but he gets pushed away just as fast, so he pulls back completely with confusion. 

The confusion doesn’t last long, however, when he catches a glimpse of his face. 

He feels a mix of relief and terror.

It’s Alec.

He flops back on the ground next to him, feeling himself breath for the first time in about a minute as he sees Alec sit up. The only damage seems to be a minor cut on his cheek and bicep, and that can be easily fixed. So hopefully he won’t press charges.  _ Hope _ fully.

“Well this is unexpected,” is the first thing his mind comes up with, which might not be the most fitting. He’s leaning back on his hands now, breathing a little heavy.

Alec seems to be going through a fit of shock, his mouth parted and eyebrows slightly drawn as he stares at Magnus intensely. Magnus fights the urge to shy away from it, in fact.

“Are…are you okay?”

Alec takes a moment, but eventually nods, that same expression plastered on his face. Fuck, he’d forgotten how pretty he was. Stupid pretty boy.

“Here, let me—” Magnus pushes himself up, putting a hand against his car so he can use it for balance as he heaves the bike up. Alec sits there half-laying on the ground, though, and doesn’t take Magnus’s offered hand. Instead, he grabs onto the edge of Magnus’s car door, which is still open, to pull himself up. 

They don’t say anything for a second. Mangus feels sort of the same shock as Alec’s face looks.

“So. Long time no see,” Magnus says. Alec narrows his eyes and closes his mouth to push it into a scowl. Of course. 

Somewhere in the distance, a police car starts shrieking, and it seems to jolt Alec into talking. 

“Um…yeah,” he drawls. “So, I should, um, I’ll just be on my way then—”

Alec reaches for his bike, using his other hand to wipe the blood of his cheek, but Magnus stops him. “Nonsense. Come inside. I’ll fix you up.”

He takes Alec’s wrist and pulls him up to the building, ignoring his faint protests. He leaves the bike leaning against the car. 

Alec stays quiet for a small while, and Magnus tries to not let regret come up in his mind. This is normal. He’s just being a kind stranger…acquaintance? Whatever they are. 

Alec stands awkwardly in the middle of Magnus’s living room with his hands folded in front of him. He looks around like he doesn’t know what else to do with himself.

Magnus sighs. “Well, take a seat, have a drink, don’t just stand there.” He pulls up a glass from his cupboard. “Water?”

Alec starts to say something, but gets cut off by his dry voice. He clears his throat, then starts again. “Water’s fine, sure.”

Magnus is a little proud of himself for getting Alec to actually come up to his apartment and somehow act normal for almost five minutes now. Normal meaning he hasn’t made a snarky comment or asked to leave. He seems different than Magnus had seen him the other morning—that edge he’d had to him is gone, he seems more calm and serene. Maybe that’s why he’s acting different. More questions pop up in his head, and he feels a little giddy with the prospect of having the chance to have them answered now. 

He sets the glass of water in Alec’s hand, and Alec takes a sip before giving him that telltale funny look everyone in his family shares. “Is this tap water?” he asks.

“Yes. Is that a problem?”   


Alec blinks, then shakes his head and takes a longer sip. “No,” he says quietly. Magnus frowns. 

“Are you alright? Like, besides the bike crash?”

Alec blinks again, looking confused, then nods. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” he snaps. Ah, there’s the Alec he knows. 

“Right. Of course,” says Magnus, putting in a slight sarcastic edge to it. “So, here, I’ll get you a band-aid, fix you right up—” Magnus rushes back to the other room, trying to put together his questions in his head to ask Alec.    


He—he doesn’t know  _ why _ , but Magnus feels a bit nervous, like he has to  _ impress  _ Alec or something, and it’s making him quite shaken. Why should he feel like this is some—some first date or something? He crashed the kid with his car door, for fucks’s sake, he’s just in here so Magnus can help him out, because it’s the least he can do. Magnus keeps repeating this in his head. 

He walks hesitantly back in the room, like he’s not expecting whatever Alec might be doing for some reason, but when he walks back in, everything’s just normal. As it should be. 

Alec’s lounging forward on the couch, elbows on his knees and face in his hands. Magnus stops to study him for a second.    


“I’ve, um, I’ve got the bandaids.” He’s being awkward. Why’s he being awkward? He’s never awkward. It’s one of his favorite things about himself. He needs to help this boy out quick and get him out of the flat as quickly as possible before he messes with his brain anymore, he decides. 

Alec slowly lifts his head, and his eyes are red, like he’s fighting the urge to burst into tears. Magnus’s heart aches. 

Alec doesn’t say anything as Magnus carefully applies both bandaids to both scratches, not even flinching when he rubs them with the stinging cotton ball. Magnus is half impressed, half seriously worried.    


“Have you been back home recently? Did you even go home when you left?” he asks. 

Alec contemplates telling him a truthful answer to this, and Magnus can see that written across his face. But he does, eventually, and Magnus prays it’s the truth. 

“Yeah. But—barely. I don’t know. I’ve just been out,” he says quickly, like he wants to dismiss the subject as fast as possible. The words are almost jumbled. 

“Okay,” says Magnus warily. “You know, I saw your sister and mother at Swip’s today—the place where I work. I heard they were waiting for you and it looked like you never showed. I talked to your sister a bit about you.”

Magnus is still squatting in front of where Alec’s sitting, so he can see when color flushes through his face and down his neck, even when Alec ducks his head and tries to hide it. Oh fuck, that’s cute. And that, right there, is an example of thoughts he shouldn’t be having. 

“Yeah, I forgot about that,” he barely whispers. He takes his glass off the table but doesn’t take a drink—wraps both big hands around it tightly until it starts to shake. 

Magnus wonders, for maybe the one hundredth time that’s he’s spent with Alec, what the fuck is going on.    


“You know, I find it really difficult to believe that you’re alright right now. You’re a pretty bad liar.” Magnus holds his breath, expects him to snap back again because apparently him talking about this is sensitive with him, but instead, shockingly, his lip trembles slightly. Magnus’s eyes widen, and he lets out the breath precariously. 

Alec’s still not looking at him, staring straight ahead  _ hard _ , sort of looking like how Magnus feels when he tries to hold back tears in public. Oh.  _ Oh. _

He feels a ridiculous but maybe not so urge to wrap his hands around him and hold him close, but he knows all that will bring is trouble. Alec needs his distance. He still refuses to move farther than he already is.    


“You know, maybe I’m not,” Alec breathes, his blinking becoming more rapid by the second. His voice is glass, ready to shatter at any moment. Oh god. “But I still don’t see how that’s any of your business.”   


And there it is. Again. Magnus didn’t know what else he was expecting.

But at least he admitted something. It was a step forward. 

“Do you…do you get any help, Alec?”

“Why d’you think I’d need some? You don’t know me,” he snarls, turning to glare at Magnus. Magnus puts his hands up in the air apologetically, pushing himself back slightly. 

“Yes. You’re right. I don’t know you.” Magnus stands, and Alec’s hopeless little eyes follow him up. “But I want to help you. I  _ want  _ to get to know you. I don’t want you to ever experience another day like the one you had the other night. You don’t deserve this, hell, _no one_ does. And you should know, whatever happened, whatever happens, it’s okay. Really. There are people who can  _ help _ —”

Alec cuts him off then, exploding up from the couch and scaring Magnus out of his wits. His eyes are firm and hold enough power that Magnus feels like  _ he’s  _ the one towering over  _ Magnus _ , even though he’s shorter.    


“Stop it. Stop. It. I didn’t ask for your help, because I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for  _ anyone’s  _ help, because I don’t  _ want  _ it, for the love of god. Can’t you take a hint? Can’t you back off for once?”

“You know, Alec, you can say all these words over and over again to me, but I won’t stop trying to help you. Yes, I know  _ you  _ didn’t ask for it, but  _ I  _ want to do it. Help you, I mean. And I won’t stop until you let me. So, just an offer, you could make both of our lives a hell of a lot easier by just letting me—”

“ _ No! _ ” he yells, and his voice is thick now, but angry. Angrier. Magnus catches a glance at his hands shaking on his sides. They’re so close Magnus can feel his shaky breath on his face. “No,” he repeats, softer this time, like he’s controlling himself. Magnus still sees the tears though—they’re big and welled up now, blocking his vision, and Alec ducks his head again to hide them. “Just…stop. I’m—I’m broken, and I can’t be _helped_. Trust me, I’ve tried. And I’m not gonna have you—I’m not gonna have  _ another  _ person mess up their life trying to help me. I can’t deal with that. So just…please.” Alec raises a hand as he says the last words, putting between them like a barrier. Magnus feels his throat getting dry, and he realizes it’s because his mouth has been hanging open for god knows how long. 

Alec stumbles out of the apartment wearing the same expression, head down low and hand in the air. He bangs the door on the way out, and it’s strangely enough what shocks Magnus back into reality, the reality of what just happened. 

Even though it was a shaky speech, it explains so much now.

It also makes Magnus come to the realization that he’s going to do everything in his power to keep this boy sane and here with him, alive. He sets that as his new number one goal. 

A few minutes later, Magnus is tempted to run after Alec on the street, grab him and bring him back, maybe just to buy some more time with him. 

But he closes his eyes and thinks for a moment, comes back to himself and thinks about what a foolish thing that would be to do. So he wrings his hands, adjusting his sleeves and the collar of his thin shirt, which are slightly damp with stress-sweat, and starts doing the other tasks he has set up for him in the day. He makes sure to have worries about Alec far away from his mind, as they’ll only cause distractions. Besides, he doesn’t need to worry. He’s meeting up with his sister soon, and then, he tells himself, then he’ll get all the answers he needs. Hopefully.

Another boring day of the same routine passes, except without interesting customers at work. He catches his mind swimming back to Alec multiple times during his boring day at work, and has to push him out more times than necessary. It’s terribly frustrating, that all he wants to do is see him again, and even more frustrating that he can’t figure out why. 

He walks home because it’s a beautiful rare day where the sun is showing through the thick, autumn clouds of New York. Also because his car is getting fixed and he had to walk to work anyway. He’s really very lucky that it’s close to his home. Well, close enough. 

He basks in the brightness as he walks, trying to shake off the urge to just lay down and close his eyes. Yes, it is still freezing, but sunshine like this feels straight from summer, his favorite season. He misses sunshine like this a lot. 

He wonders if Alec likes sunshine like this. 

And then he actually  _ does  _ close his eyes, in annoyance. Because he caught himself thinking about Alec again. Something that he shouldn’t be doing, as he almost ran into a couple of cars and got the finger twice. Oh well.

He forces his mind to stay on the pretty sunlight and to list off all the things he needs to do when he gets home on the full walk back, using these two things as great distractions. He stares at the way the sun reflects off shop windows, blinding him in every angle or so. 

When he arrives home, he immediately strips down to his boxers and flops onto his bed, intending fully to take a nap and skip all those things he was listing in his head, when his phone rings. He feels a small zing in his chest when he reads the contact name. 

“Hello? Izzy?”

“Hi, yes, you’re Magnus right? Alec’s—um—friend?” There’s something off about Izzy’s voice, just something restless and unstable that makes the idea of sleep jump a little farther back in Magnus’s mind. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Is everything okay?”   


She takes a shaky breath through the phone, and Magnus hears some rustling and whispers until it cuts out to complete silence. He pulls the phone away from his ear to check if she’s still there, and she is, the name ‘Izzy’ shining out from underneath the smudge Magnus’s cheek left on his phone. He brings it back up anyway. 

“Hello?” he tries. For a second there’s nothing, and he’s about to try again, when Izzy speaks for the first time in seconds and makes Magnus jump. 

“Well, we might have one tiny, pressing issue. I can’t find Alec anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!


	4. Trapped

Truth be told, when Alec planned his running away from home, he hadn’t exactly thought everything through. 

It had been decided when Izzy came into his room, while he was just trying to relax and read a simple book on the art of music, to tell him that she had met a ‘friend’ of his at a restaurant and she was going to meet up with him for a talk. Oh, Alec knew very well who that friend was and very well what that talk would be about. 

It makes his blood boil, a little, just how much Magnus prys into his personal life. He guesses he understand why, but does he really have to get his family involved?  _ Really?  _ Because Alec was planning on keeping all of this on the DL.

God, he should have been more careful about this. He should’ve told Magnus specifically not to reach out to them, or…or to stay out of his life, for the love of god. Not that Magnus would’ve ever listened. 

And now he has to get away. Izzy’s going to find out what happened, what’s been happening, and she’s going to tell Maryse, and the two of them are gonna team up on him and try to get him help, when he knows that help isn’t…helpful. But they’re also not going to take their eyes off him, and  _ that’s  _ something Alec absolutely cannot deal with. 

Maybe there are more simple solutions than leaving his home. For example, finally calling Magnus, like he’d been guiltily wanting to for so long, but he won’t give in to that. He just doesn’t want to. 

And god, this is going to be horrible. This is going to be the worst way for them to find out. He really hadn’t wanted them to find out like this, and then have to come home to the fact that he was gone, but…life was tough, sometimes. The other day, he’d had to frantically hide the note that he’d written for them on the dining room table, because of course they were oblivious and didn’t notice. Which, yeah, that was pretty awkward.

Especially since he was gonna have to leave it out for them again before he left, because this time, he was going to make sure he wasn’t going to be stopped. 

For some reason, the thought of really going through with it made him sadder now, and he couldn’t figure out why. It was getting on his nerves, but he didn’t dwell on it too much. Didn’t dwell on _ feelings  _ too much. 

He stares at his room before he leaves. Bare, bare, ugly walls. His childhood walls, paint chipped and scratched. Boring. He decided his room was boring, and it wouldn’t be missed. 

There aren’t any cars this time, so he pulls his out his bike. His old, childhood bike. Bare and ugly, again. He winces as he steps onto it, trying to keep it steady. He hasn’t used it in years. 

He doesn’t feel the wind on his face as he peddles fast, but he knows it’s there. It’s cold again, and he shivers pleasantly. He’s decided he likes the cold.

He’s found he mildly enjoys pain in general.   


And that’s just added on to the list of reasons he’s not normal. A freak. Damn fucked up, is what he is. 

_ Labels. _

Alec’s never had a good relationship with labels. _Freak, depressed, mental disorder_. Why can't he just be Alec? With no specific dreadful reason for people to remember his name?  


_Who's Alec? Oh, that depressed freak? Yeah, no, I know who he is._

He cuts onto a back alleyway that leads him to a slightly bigger part of his city, with more cars and people. They just see an innocent boy biking along, expressionless face, normal. Alec  _ loves  _ strangers. He loves being normal to them. 

As he thinks this over for a bit, however, he’s not really paying attention to his surroundings. Which is a pretty big mistake. 

What happens next is mostly a blur, but Alec knows that whatever happened made him end up with a mouthful of concrete. And some boarding on uncomfortable bleeding scratches. 

His bike is sort of halfway tangled with his legs, and he vaguely hears someone fretting over him, petting up and down his arms a little. He scowls and lifts himself enough to look back to see who it is, and almost doubles over in surprise. Then he makes sure he’s out of sight and closes his eyes and groans. 

Because of  _ course.  _ Of course.

_ Magnus.  _ It had to be Magnus. 

Magnus is looking over at him with the same look of shock on his face, and Alec wants to yell in frustration. This can’t be happening. Not  _ again. _

_ And yet it is. _

“Well this is unexpected.”

Alec bits his lip, pretending that if he doesn’t say anything Magnus will forget about him and move on. It doesn’t work.

“Are…are you okay?”

Alec ponders this for a bit. Well, he  _ had  _ just been on his way to death, but he supposes he’d stopped being okay a while ago now. He nods.

Magnus looks a little hesitant, but he frets a little more and tries to help Alec up. Alec doesn’t let him. 

“So. Long time no see.”   


A police car goes off in the distance and it scares him enough to realize he needs to move. It’s not like he’s a fugitive or anything, but again, he hates police. 

“Um…yeah,” he says, licking his lips. “So, I should, um, I’ll just be on my way then—”   


“Nonsense. Come inside. I’ll fix you up.” And then he’s being dragged back into Magnus’s apartment. For the second time that week. Great. 

He wasn’t exactly expecting to be let off easy, but he had a small shred of hope. He should’ve known with Magnus, though. 

Once he gets inside, the smell of sandalwood is the first thing that surprises him. How did he not notice it before? Everything in Magnus’s home smells like it, and it’s a lot.

Magnus walks around like, well, anyone would walk around in their home; like it’s familiar and friendly and safe, and he knows what he’s doing and where he’s going. Alec feels…out of place. The whole apartment fits Magnus so perfectly, the glamorous furniture in luxurious sizes and colors, the confident pride. Alec feels quite similar to an innocent person in jail, like he doesn’t belong. Yet he feels bad about it. 

Magnus does his thing and acts like the hospitable host he is, but Alec’s mind is wandering somewhere else.  _ Why  _ is Magnus still doing all this to him? He feels special when a stranger holds the door for him in public, but that’s about the closest to anyone outside his family that he’s gotten. He doesn’t know what it is about him that keeps spurring Magnus on to keep helping, because he’s  _ sure  _ most people in the world wouldn’t be this nice to him. 

He tries to be careful with his words today, because he feels guilty that Magnus is doing him all these favors that he didn’t even ask him to do. 

Magnus…something feels different about Magnus.  _ He’s  _ different. Alec feels like he’s the kind of person he could open up to, though he knows he’s not going to repeat that mistake again, no matter what he feels for anybody. 

They talk for a little bit, but Alec doesn’t really hear Magnus, doesn’t really feel.

Alec closes his eyes and grabs the glass of water Magnus gave him for something to hold onto, tightly. That train of thought had led him on a sadder path, and he could feel his mind breaking down inside. He desperately prays he doesn’t give into the urge, the urge to tell his story and his anguish all over again, but damn he’s  _ weak. _ He can already sense the tingling, tempting feeling building in his chest, like he wants to burst.

“You know, I find it really difficult to believe that you’re alright right now. You’re a pretty bad liar,” Magnus says sternly, but when Alec looks up through his lashes, he sees that same pity laced through his features. Alec’s lips twitch towards a frown.

Absurdly, his mind travels back to the last time he’s heard words like those, when he was much younger and more scared and…stupid. He struggled for a second to swallow, the lump in his throat having grown so much it felt like he’s swallowed a rock that hadn’t gone down. The train of thought continued the sad thoughts, and distant, yet painfully clear memories. 

_ You’re not okay, Alec. You know it. I know it. Come down from there,  _ please.

His lip trembles, and his rational mind jumps out of his brain all of a sudden.

“You know, maybe I’m not.” He pauses to compose himself, knowing how stupid he sounds, and stops himself before he can start spewing out everything. “But I still don’t see how that’s any of your business.”   


He really doesn’t understand why Magnus even thinks this is any of his business, or that he has the right to know any of this.

“Do you…do you get any help, Alec?”

Alec resists the urge to roll his eyes. Oh  _ boy _ . How good that sounds. Yeah, that was all he needs, just some  _ help _ . It’s not like he hadn’t already tried that bullshit before. 

“Why d’you think I need some? You don’t know me,” he can’t help but say. There are some things that you just vomit out before you can think about it. Alec truly wasn’t trying to be so mean, but sometimes one just can’t help it. 

Some aching deep part inside him screams for help, screams for comfort or someone he could relate to or someone who knew what they were doing, and he wants,  _ god _ , he wants  _ so  _ badly to let Magnus help him. For Magnus to be that person. But it’s too dangerous. No matter what, Alec knows he just can’t let that happen to him again, because the last time someone tried helping him had almost been his turning point. That’d been right before he’d met Magnus.    


Magnus feels like this weird part of his life now, someone who he isn’t entirely sure he wants there, but at the same time is minorly,  _ minorly  _ grateful for. And Alec doesn’t know what to do with the foreign feeling he’s getting towards him, isn’t sure what it means. So he pushes it out, ignores it for the time being, and prays that that makes it go away.

“Yes. You’re right. I don’t know you,” Mangus says, and he stands. Alec looks after him, wondering where this is going. “But I want to help you. I  _ want  _ to get to know you. I don’t want you to ever experience another day like the one you had the other night. You don’t deserve this, hell, no one does. You should know, whatever happened, whatever happens, it’s okay. Really. There are people who can  _ help _ —”   


Damn. That’s the last time he’s going to hear that fucking word.

Alec jumps up from the coach, barely in control of his own body anymore, and glowers at Magnus, mustering up the scariest look he can physically make because seriously, if Magnus doesn’t take a hint from his scariest look there may be no hope of having him ever back off. Alec can make some pretty intimidating faces. 

“Stop it. Stop. It. I didn’t ask for your help, because I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for  _ anyone’s _ help, because I don’t  _ want  _ it, for the love of god. Can’t you just take a hint? Can’t you just leave me be for once?”

Magnus’s expression is blank, and Alec hasn’t decided whether he wants to hug or punch him. He’s not exactly sure why he wants to do either, however.   
“You know, Alec, you can say all these words over and over again to me, but I won’t stop trying to help you. Yes, I know _you_ didn’t ask for it, but _I_ want to do it. Help you, I mean. And I won’t stop until you let me. So, just an offer, you could make both of our lives a hell of a lot easier by just letting me—”

Alec hates when Magnus says things like that. He really does. Because he also really hates having to yell at him.

“ _ No! _ ” he shouts, alight with adrenaline and repressed anger. He’s shaking, a little, and he usually would care, as usually he’s scared that it’s shown as a sign of weakness, but he’s already shown enough of his weaknesses around Magnus, so he doesn’t care. “No. Just…stop. I’m—I’m broken, and I can’t be _helped_. Trust me, I’ve tried. And I’m not gonna have you—I’m not gonna have  _ another  _ person mess up their life trying to help me. I can’t deal with that. So just…please.” It’s another one of those moments where his brain catches up to his mind after he’s already said the words, and he decides enough is enough. He has to leave. He’s going to. 

Tears are all up in his eyes and he only notices when he moves to the door because he can’t really see where the door is. He blinks them away quickly, making sure Magnus can’t see his face.    


He moves out of Magnus’s flat, tripping over his own feet a couple of times. Magnus doesn’t say anything, and he’s happy for that.

He’s back on his bike and peddling peddling peddling until his legs burn, ignoring pedestrians and street signs and traffic lights, ignoring even where’s he’s going. Just as far away as possible from that place. Magnus brings out an ugly side to him. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore, though, so he focuses on his path, one that descends into a slightly happier ending for him now. All he needs to do is just keep peddling peddling peddling.

Magnus Bane usually did well in stressful situations. Most people didn’t, but he’d discovered some pretty helpful ways to avoid losing his shit. For example, pacing. Lots of pacing. Wherever he was. It was a nice way to give him time to think. About the stressful situation. Another example, stress eating. They help him calm down. 

However, at the current moment, he’s doing both of those things, at the same time, and he doesn’t feel a sliver less anxious. He’s walking back and forth in his living room so quickly his cat is starting to growl in annoyance from the couch at the loud, repetitive thumps his feet are making. He’s downed an entire box of Cheez-Its, one peach and now he’s working on a bowl of old Miso soup he’d ordered the other night. Stress eating really consisted of whatever random shit he had in his fridge. It didn’t even have to taste good, even.

_ Gone? How could he just be…gone? He was in my apartment less than a half an hour ago, and now he’s just disappeared? He hadn’t gone home? Where else could he have gone? What else could he be doing? It’s the middle of the damn day! There’s no way he…there’s no way. _

Magnus sets down the soup on his coffee table, chewing on his finger nail as he stops pacing to stare at the wall.  __

Magnus, the master of stressful situations, is starting to lose his shit. This  _ never  _ happens. Or, only in the really terrible ones. But—this also could not be that bad. Alec could be just fine. 

_ But what if he’s not? _ _   
_

Magnus closes his eyes, the image of his blank wall burning on the backs of his eyelids like poison. He had thought of running after him.  _ God _ , why hadn’t he run after him?

He remembers suddenly what he was going to make his number one goal now, and he knows it’s going to kill him if he doesn’t stick to it. He needs to find Alec. He  _ has  _ to be alive. He can’t not be. 

As he gets dressed to go outside, he goes over the conversation he’d had with Izzy in his head. 

_ What? What d’you mean he’s gone? _ _   
_

_ He didn’t come home. Now that I think of it, I haven’t seen him in a while, Magnus. Look, he usually calls—I’m  _ worried. 

This Alec…Alec’s going to ruin his life. Alec…

He doesn’t even know Alec’s last name.  _ How  _ could he not even know Alec’s last name?

He doesn’t even bother with a coat, overwhelmed by the fact that this boy has suddenly taken over his life and  _ he doesn’t even know his last name.  _ Last names are i mportant, he thinks, and they should be known. Magnus is going to find out. 

Miguel wants to bother him again when he steps outside of the flat, as usual, and as usual, Magnus ignores him the best he can to run away. He finds it odd how Miguel always seems to be outside whenever  _ he’s  _ outside, like he’s waiting there for him. 

About two minutes into the walk in a random direction he chose to follow, he gives into the urge to call Izzy again. Mostly to ask their last name. He’s just going to die not knowing now. 

“Izzy? Anything new?” He’s slightly out of breath. 

She sighs, long and deep, like she has wisdom he can’t even begin to understand. He bets she does—she seems like a smart girl. “No. Crazy kid, what was he thinking, running off…” she mutters, almost like she’s doing it to herself. 

Magnus tries to defend him, but it’s nearly a pointless cause. “Well, he could be just, yennow, out somewhere.” His voice quivers a little, making him sure that he’s not at all believable. Alec wouldn’t just go out like he’s some chill kid, not without calling Izzy, at least. Or that’s what she tells him, and he hopes that’s true. But at the same time, if it is, Alec could be in serious danger. 

Alec… 

“Izzy? What’s your last name?” he asks. He’s not really paying attention to where he’s going anywhere, just forward, looking around like he’s looking through this lens, one that only identifies Alec, his eyes scanning everywhere they possibly could. 

She scoffs like that’s the stupidest question he could be asking at the moment, and well, maybe she’s right. “Lightwood, Magnus. We’re the Lightwoods.”   


Magnus’s eyebrows raise, and he wasn’t really sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t Lightwood. What an interesting last name. 

“Hello? Magnus?”

“Oh—yes, um, that’s—that’s pretty nice.” he says back.

“Okay? You alright there, Magnus?”

“Yes, yes, better than ever.”

There’s a small pause, where Izzy seems to be shuffling around or something like that on the other end. Magnus guesses she’s just moving things around or doing something in his bedroom, but then, again out of the blue, she speaks again. She has a tendency of doing that, Magnus notices. 

“Magnus, were you and Alec—uh, I mean, did you and Alec ever like…do anything?” She clears her throat. “Like sexually?” Her voice breaks on the second vowel in  _ sexually _ , and Magnus nearly chokes on air.    


“Wh—yo— _ no _ , oh no, no no no, of  _ course  _ not, we—this—it’s not like that at  _ all _ , I promise—” He physically shuts his mouth to get himself to stop talking, because the more he talks, the less believable he sounds. Though it  _ is  _ true—he and Alec, they didn’t—they would  _ never _ —

“Oh. Okay. Well that’s a relief.” About a hundred more questions pop up in Magnus’s brain. “So how did you two meet then anyway?” she says, and Magnus gulps, wishing the conversation to be moved back to talking about sex, a topic he’s actually much more comfortable with than this whole Alec thing.

“Well, you see—um, it’s probably not the best way to tell you this over the phone, I—I shouldn’t. We should wait until we can meet up for lunch. Or dinner. I don’t really care.”   


“Okay.” She sounds skeptical, and if he were her, he would be too, he doesn’t blame her. Who he blames, only a little here, is Alec. Alec  _ Lightwood.  _ Yes, Magnus has decided that’s a lovely last name. 

“But we should do it as soon as possible,” says Magnus. He feels incredibly guilty for keeping this from her for so long, but it really just doesn’t feel right for his sister to find out such terrible news over the phone. 

_ The one person I’m actually close with. _

God. Magnus heart hurts for him.

He and Isabelle meet up for lunch—although, it was more of an urgent meeting about her missing older brother—at this old place called Taki’s. Magnus had been going there for Asian takeout since what felt like the dawn of time, and it’s convenient for him since it’s just down the street from his place. He realizes that a lot of things are close to his apartment, and feels a small pinch of gratefulness. 

Izzy’s not having the best of luck—getting stuck in downtown New York City traffic is tough, and she ends up being a little late. It’s not  _ that  _ large of a bother, though Magnus is sort of ripping his hair out of his skull in worry and anticipation. He can tell other people at the restaurant are noticing, but he can also tell he doesn’t give one stinky rat’s ass about what they think.

He has this small fantasy moment where he imagines Alec walking right into Taki’s and seeing Magnus, giving him a warm friendly smile that says,  _ I’m okay. I’ve come to my senses. You were right.  _ But alas, reality is always different then what one wants it to be, isn't it?

He wants the fantasy to be real, though, so badly that he jumps every time he hears the door of the place jingle as someone comes in. 

It’s a tiny pub, just basically one open room with booths lining the window-covered walls and square, wooden, shiny tables plopped in between the booths and the bar. It’s a family place, yet it also sells beer and other alcoholic drinks. He loves this place so much, the uniqueness of it, the variety, and he would usually go straight for his back booth, the only one without a window and therefore the one no one likes choosing, but he’s—god, he’s just too  _ nervous _ , he thinks he would officially lose his mind if he was forced to sit down right now. He’s pacing in the small waiting area, which is really just a tattered green sofa under another large window.

Izzy arrives about ten minutes after Magnus, though it feels like ten years, and she looks just as anxious as Magnus does. This amuses Magnus in a sickening way, as she doesn’t even _ know  _ anything yet. 

He resists the urge to hug her from plain relief when he sees her face walk through the door. He’s struck by her beauty, again, like her face itself is personally hand-crafted by some Greek goddess. She has on a black, plunging v-neck tank top tucked into a red and grey plaid, tight, skirt accompanied with fishnet stockings and tall, platform heels. Even though she’s tall enough, goddammit.

She smiles wide and scared when their eyes meet, and Magnus feels like he can let out a breath. 

“Hi,” she breathes. “So. Did you get us a table?”   


He’s so caught off guard by her jumping right to the chase, that he loses his voice for a moment. That’s the second time he’s done that in front of Isabelle Lightwood. 

“Uh—yeah—yes, um, the employees here know me, so, I usually just go sit at that last booth there.” He points to it, then offers her to go first. She smiles politely again and goes down to the table Magnus had pointed at, hips swishing. Magnus’s blood sings with nerves again.

How is he supposed to even bring this up to her? How is anyone expected to bring this up to anyone? 

They sit on opposite ends, Magnus’s lips pressed into a thin line as Izzy keeps up the polite smile. He’s slightly grateful for it, because her smile makes him feel calmer than meditating. 

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready,” she says, but not in a rude way. Magnus scratches the inside of his palms under the table, trying to control his breathing. Well, here goes nothing. He hopes she doesn’t hate him after this, though he’s not exactly sure why she would. He just hopes.

“Okay. Alec and I met really late one night, when he was—uh, um, well he was—I—I found him standing on the ledge of a bridge. A tall one. About to um, about to fall.” He blurts it all out before he loses his confidence.    


A wide range of emotions cross over Alec’s sister’s face at once, some Magnus can’t even identify, before she groans loudly and smacks her elbows on the table as she puts her face in her hands. Magnus feels a steady coarse of pity run through him for her. He can’t even imagine how this must feel. 

“Oh god, oh lord, not again, oh  _ Alec _ —”

Magnus nearly doubles over. “You—what— _ again? _ ” he sputters.

Izzy lifts her head and stares at him with her wide, sad eyes. “Yes. I was afraid this would happen again.”

Alec ends up peddling all the way back over to that bridge, his favorite one, and now the one where he and Magnus had met. He loves the history behind the Brooklyn Bridge; one of the oldest suspension bridges in the United States, made in 1883. Also, it was designed by John Augustus Roebling, which is only interesting because he has an uncle named Augustus John. Most of this is information no one would care about, but Alec likes spending the majority of his time filling his empty brain with as much pointless information as he could, as if that was going to fill the void in his mind. It didn’t, but it helped.

He didn’t like the bridge as much during the day, with all the busy people and cars and loud noises, it was the opposite of peaceful. But he didn’t know where else to go. He didn’t _ want  _ to go anywhere else. 

It might have been the most obvious place in the world for Magnus to find him, but whatever. He’s found out he’d lost most of his will to care about a lot of things a long time ago. 

He parks his bike on the side of the road, even though he’s not really supposed to. He doesn’t get off it though, just perched halfway on the seat and watching a variety of vehicles go by. He wishes cars were like people—he wishes they treated everyone the same—no matter the color or size of the car, no other car cares, and he wishes that no one cares about small things like that in the real world. 

Life sucks. 

Before he can let himself become overcome with…those kind of all-consuming thoughts he has, he bends down and squeezes a hand in the little side pocket of his bike, groping around a bit. 

Once he comes in contact with a smooth surface and thick, stacked paper at his fingertips, he closes his eyes in relief. So he  _ had  _ kept A Midnight’s Summer Dream in the pocket. That’s lovely. 

He would consider himself Shakespeare’s biggest fan, as he’s sure no one knows more about William Shakespeare than he does. One of his great-great something-or-other grandfather's had  _ worked  _ with him, and from there he’s heard numerous amounts of stories, all grand and glamorous, so it wasn’t long before Shakespeare had become his favorite person. 

Now, he gets off his bike and sits on the ground, leaning against the bridge. He ignores all the beeps and honks coming his way from stopping in the middle of a bridge, especially on his bike. He just hopes the police don’t come along. They usually don’t though—he’s done this a lot. When he’s reading Shakespeare, he can tune anything he wants out of his life, and that’s what he loves most about it. Only problem is, it’s getting harder and harder to be interested from the amount of times Alec’s reread his stories. 

His phone interrupts him when he was just about to start, and he immediately shuts it off when he sees Izzy’s number. It’s probably nothing important. He wants some time to himself.

Time is also endless in Shakespearean lands, so it could be a few minutes or hours that pass next. He really just couldn’t care less. It’s not like he has anything better to do. He’d quit school a while back. It’s dreadfully pointless, in his opinion, and he hasn’t the slightest clue of what he wants to be doing with his life yet anyway. But it's definately not waste it with school.   


The sun is starting to think about setting in the sky, starting to make it’s descent into the waters under the bridge and effectively blocking most of his vision. He sighs, realizing in annoyance that he’s going to have to find another spot, a better spot—where he won't be blinded.

Before he can even sit up however, there’s a very loud screech of car wheels beside him that makes him jump so hard he drops the book into his lap. He looks up in alarm and sees his sister rushing out of a car, the sternest look on her face. 

“ _ Alec Gideon Lightwood _ ,” she shouts, voice slightly muffled through the window. Alec winces, then gives her a weak, sarcastic smile.

“Hello, lovely sister,” he says. 

She makes a sound very similar to a lion growling, and then wrenches him up by his ear, literally. 

“He—ow,  _ ow, _ can you—watch it!” She doesn’t let go of his ear though, no matter his protests. He sighs and takes it. 

“How dare you go off like that and don’t even bother  _ calling?! _ ”

Alec tries shoving her off, but she stays. People driving by are slowing down a bit to watch the show. “How did you find me?” Then he remembers about Magnus.

Izzy growls again. “ _ Magnus  _ told me you might be here. In fact, he told me everything.”   


Alec stiffens, and he looks back behind his car to see Izzy’s there, Magnus sitting looking guilty in the front seat. He groans. Of course. 

"God, Alec you are unbelievable. I can’t believe you did this again. Thank god for Magnus…”

He tunes her out as she gives him one of her annoying lectures, and looks back over at Magnus again. He’s looking anywhere but the two of them, like this is some private moment that he shouldn’t look in on. 

Oh, he’s  _ dead. _

Izzy sounds…pretty much angrier than he’s ever heard her, which he would find absurdly hilarious if it wasn’t for the fact that he knows his sister, and this is her showing how worried she is. 

“Izzy, Izzy stop.”

“ _ What? _ ”

“Can we save this for later please? Maybe when we’re not on the side of the road?”

She glares at him for a moment, still apparently oblivious to the bridge and the cars and whole illegalness of the situation. But she eventually gives in, roughly letting go of the pinch hold on his cartilage to snap at him one more time before getting in her car.

“Go back home. We’ll be following you,” she indicates to Magnus idly. Alec shoots him another glare, and Magnus looks away again. “And don’t even think about trying to escape. Mom’s minivan may be half-broken, but I swear I will push that thing—”

He wants to laugh, but he figures this isn’t the right moment. He has a tendency of wanting to laugh at terrible moments. It’s a disease, really. “Okay,  _ okay _ , Izzy, trust me, I won’t.”   


She narrows her eyes and stalks back to her car, getting in slowly and dramatically. Alec snorts and waves sarcastically.

The ride back is nice and slow, and the whole time Alec is thinking about what he's going to say to Izzy when he gets back. He can’t think of any excuses because he knows Izzy’ll just throw them out the window giving that this is the second time this has happened. And, judging by her mood, she probably won’t listen to a word he has to say, so he’ll most likely just have to sit it out.

Boy, he’s going to  _ kill  _ Magnus. 

Izzy is hot on his tail the whole time, so close to his bike on the way back Alec’s sure she’s going to hit him a few times. Thankfully, they arrive home without any accidents, and Alec prepares himself for the onslaught of Izzy’s wrath. He decides it’s the best tactic. 

Magnus tries scurrying off and getting an uber before Alec can speak to him, but Alec doesn’t let him.

“Oh no,” he tells him with venom, grabbing his arm and oddly reminding him of the time he was at Magnus’s apartment for the first time and Magnus had grabbed his arm in the same manner. Magnus stops what he’s doing and looks back at him with slightly fearful eyes. “ _ We’re  _ going to have a talk after Izzy’s through with me. Come and wait in the house,  _ now. _ ”

God, he realizes with horror, he sounds like his father. He lets go of Magnus quickly and lets himself get dragged in the house by Izzy. As soon as she’s shut the door she’s yelling, letting out all her anger and worry that had been probably eating her alive ever since Magnus had told her what happened. 

After maybe five minutes, she softens a little, tones it down just a bit, and starts to really bring out the side of her that was scared out of her wits for him. He feels an ounce of pity, but what happened happened, and he knows that no amount of talks from anyone is ever going to make him change, so this is all pointless. 

They’re still standing in front of the door. Magnus better still be outside. 

“You shouldn’t feel like you’re trapped, okay? I’m here for you, mom is, Jace is, and even Magnus now maybe—”

Alec scoffs derisively. She sighs.    


He wants to tell her,  _ except I am trapped, we all are, in these minds and bodies of ours with no escape from thoughts and feelings and madness in our heads.  _ But he doesn’t.

She finishes off her speech with a good old, “and here’s the number you should call if you _ ever  _ feel like this again, just please, take it.” Classic. 

He does, of course, and assures her by saying he’ll be alright from now on, that this really made him see sense and he won’t do it again.

He almost feels selfish for lying, but he doesn’t have another choice. He’d made this decision for himself a long time ago, and of course he feels sorry for his sister, but this is something he has to do. 

He sulks back to his room with sadness heavy in his heart for his sister, not even bothering to go outside and yell at Magnus because he knows what’s done is done, there’s nothing anyone can do about it now. 

He buries himself quickly under his bed covers completely and tries covering away the ugliness of the world, of people’s hearts and people’s doings, of his own empty and broken mind. The best it does though is make him sweaty. 

He really wants to take somebody else’s mind, to see the world from the perspective of a happy person who sees the world through a different lense, one that makes them want to continue. Alec—he  _ wants  _ to keep going, he wants to do it for everyone, for  _ himself _ , but he’s tried everything, and nothing, absolutely nada can hold back and cover up the world’s nastiness, his own, too. He closes his eyes and tries to push away those thoughts as hard as he tries to push away the lump in his throat, and tries to remember for a second instead the last time he went to bed without a lump in his throat. He can’t think of a time. 

All he needs is sleep now, he doesn’t care what time it is, he just needs to escape, just for a few hours. That’s all he needs, that’s all that ever gave him remotely any healing at all. 

After he’s fallen, though he doesn’t know it, Maguns comes into his room. He looks over Alec sleeping sadly, and presses a palm to his forehead, as if he can erase all his memories of the past week out of his head. He wishes he could do at least that for the poor boy. 

Alec Lightwood doesn’t know how much he matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry eesh better stuff comin soon I promise hah


	5. Five Days

Five days, one hundred twenty hours, seven thousand two hundred minutes, and four hundred, thirty two thousand seconds. 

Alec thought about those numbers a lot in the past five days, because he’d hardly left his room for all five of them. 

After the fight between he and his sister had broken out, things were rough between them, he knows he shouldn’t even try leaving the house; Izzy would never give consent. 

Those five days were very memorable to him. Alec spent them in a half-delusional, half-depressed haze where nothing is done except eat and sleep. And stare at his fat, empty, blank wall where he finally allows the mind consuming thoughts to reach him and overcome him. And he allows that to happen for five full days, something he’s never done, never let himself do for so long. 

Shakespeare once wrote, Alec suddenly remembers; “Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak whispers the o’fraught heart and bids it breaks.” Alec thinks it basically means that if you just hold everything in, if you don’t speak your…your grief, it’ll consume you. It's one of the few Shakespeare quotes Alec doesn’t understand. He likes it, of course, it’s Shakespeare, but he’s never exactly related to it. It’s much better, holding things in. No one likes knowing the ugly truth. The pretty, outside cover is more pleasing to the eye. He keeps his well shined and fresh out of his inner damage, though there are a few cracks sometimes. 

Now there’s the biggest crack he’s ever had. Not only did  _ it  _ happen again, but he didn’t fucking succeed, and now  _ two  _ people know about it. One of which he really really wished didn't. He wonders how different his life would be if he didn’t have Magnus in it. Well, without Magnus, he probably wouldn’t have a life.    


Still, he’s not grateful or anything. 

On the first day, Alec stays under his covers until ten o’clock in the morning, only getting out of bed then because he has to take a piss. Izzy drops off food for him occasionally, but doesn’t say anything else. 

The heater’s off in his room, and his windows are wide open as he basks in the cold, airy breeze coming from the window. He can only feel it on his face—the rest of his body is buried deep in the little fort of his bed covers, but he likes it. His phone lays abandoned on his desk, and he hears it vibrate a couple of times but doesn’t even reach for it. Now that’s a unique teenage, he thinks with an ounce of amusement, one who doesn’t want to reach for their phone. 

Izzy comes on day two bearing breakfast, the fakest smile he’s ever seen plastered on her face. “Alec,” she starts slowly. Alec pulls the covers up more warily. They’re starting to feel like his shield. “Alec you’ve barely left this bed in twenty four hours. Are you…when are you going to go out again? Are you alright?”

Alec just stares at her. He really doesn’t know how to respond. 

She looks down at the tray of food in her hands with a melancholy nod, smile thrown clean off her face as if someone used some sort of wipe. She purses her lips and leaves the food on the floor next to him, leaving the room without another word.    


Alec finds his vision blurred when he looks down to see what she’d brought, and he can’t even make out what food’s on the plate. He turns violently to his side, facing the wall now, and shoves himself back under his covers with a sort of half-whimper. He closes his eyes and prays for sleep, hoping that it’ll take him away to somewhere nice and different where’s he’s nice and different and the world is nice and different, where everything’s changed and he’s maybe living with Shakespeare. He drifts off but ends up dreaming off nothing more than black space and white noise. It’s dreadful.    


When he wakes, he feels miserable, aching, physically and mentally. He doesn’t usually feel like this, he notices, but when he does, the results are often quite lethal. He feels hot all over, than cold, and then he’s sweating, having to actually take off his covers and go sit on the floor with his knees tucked up to his chest. 

He thinks of Magnus then. Beautiful, courageous Magnus, the one who tried to save his life but hadn’t realized he could not be saved. Alec felt special that he had tried, though.

Maybe he’s starting to feel something for him. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something, something indeed. He closes his eyes, and this time, instead of begging for sleep, he forces himself to dream, makes up his own dreams, ones that are actually happy and nice and different this time. They’re filled to the brim with Magnus’s face, maybe him smiling and wearing a loud t-shirt with leather pants. He wants to smile to himself. That’s an outfit he can certainly picture Magnus wearing. 

And yes, maybe,  _ maybe  _ in another life, they would be perfect. Maybe Magnus would save his broken soul in another life, another time. 

He opens his eyes, wanting to close them as soon as he’s opened them. Magnus is pointless. Alec won’t do anything but hurt him if he tries. Who would want to be with someone who’s…who’s as  _ damaged  _ as Alec is? It would only hurt the other person, and the last person Alec wants to inflict his emotional baggage on is Magnus. Hell, no one deserves that. 

He crawls weakly over to the tray Izzy left out for him, and discovers with low excitement a stale slice of bread and a small bowl of blueberries, put together with a glass of water. He can’t help but remember Magnus now, the glass he’d given him when they were at  _ his  _ apartment, what felt like years ago. He takes his own glass, which looks completely different than Magnus’s had, and studies it carefully. Then he puts it roughly back on the tray, so hard some water slips out. He hates how the littlest things remind him of Magnus now. He shouldn’t be feeling like this. He can’t be. 

He chews half-heartedly on the bread to try and distract himself, but now all he can think about is Magnus. Part of him wants to give in and cuddle and his blankets and completely gush over him stupidly, but another, probably stronger part wants to just forget Magnus and go back to his plan before this whole disaster happened. 

However, the Magnus part gets stronger and soon he’s very,  _ very  _ tempted to take his phone and call up Magnus with the number that’s stuffed in his phone case. 

_ And say what?  _ a voice snarls in his head.  _ There is nothing  _ to _ say. Stop being foolish and move on. _

It’s firm and final, and it makes Alec want to set off crying again. It’s honestly  _ stupid  _ how quickly he can cry nowadays. So stupid. 

Yet he does it again, this time pulling a blanket from his bed onto the ground with him and wrapping himself up like a burrito, right there on the ground. And he weeps and weeps, not even entirely sure what for, but just lets himself free until he can’t breath any longer. Then he sleeps again. 

When he wakes, he discovers it’s the next day, and Izzy’s replaced the tray with fresh food and a small note that he’s too dejected and tired to even go over and read. 

As soon as he’s up, all he wants to do is force his body to sleep again, to escape the world, but he knows that that’s most likely not going to happen; he’d slept more than ten hours, and now his punishment is the slightly jittery feeling in him that makes him want anything but sleep.

He crawls up into his bed—he’d somehow ended up sleeping on the floor—and wraps himself up again. The food is forgotten on the ground. He has plans for another good cry, as if that’ll make him feel any better. He knows it won’t. 

He closes his eyes and lets himself daydream again of a different time where he and Magnus could’ve been close, oh so close, and actually happy. He knows he wouldn’t even know how to begin to start anything with anyone in the present time. 

He opens his eyes again, staring at the ceiling. The house is utterly silent, making him sure everyone had set off to work or school. Izzy and Jace are seniors in high school still. 

The problem, one of many, about Magnus is that he had actually given him hope. The smallest seed of hope. It was like this toxic plant in his mind that he didn’t know how to get rid of. He wished that it was possible to erase Magnus from his mind, along with the hope of happiness, something that would never be achieved. He knew he could never be happy like that. He knew it knew it knew it. Hope’s pointless.

Under the thick covers, he starts to sweat, even through the open breeze coming from his window, but he welcomes it because there’s not a chance he’s moving. 

Magnus feels like he’s been in Alec’s life longer than he actually has, and Alec doesn’t trust this feeling. He doesn’t know how to feel about what he’s feeling, doesn’t have a single clue about a single thing at the moment. Which is why, he reminds himself, hope is so dangerous. 

Besides, the funny thing is, Magnus is  _ so  _ far out of his league. It makes him want to laugh just thinking about it, but it’s true. Magnus probably wouldn’t even consider in the smallest parts of his minds to date someone like him. Like Alec. It was an impossibility. They both were, and together they would be a storm. 

The hole in his chest grows as he lays there motionless. He feels more and more empty, until he’s sure he’s made of nothing but oxygen air. His mind is swimming out of control, a hundred thoughts at once toppling over each, not one of them finishing before another one starts. And not one of them are good thoughts, either. 

Alec recognizes what’s happening with a cold dread, knows where this is soon going to lead, and he’s not exactly ready for it. 

He remembers something a doctor told him long ago, about using distractions. That’s what he needs, a good distraction. Panting a little, he pulls himself out of bed and rips out a random Shakespeare book from his bookshelf. Which ends up being one of his favorites; The Merchant of Venice. He remembers being nearly ecstatic when he was forced to read this in school.

He reads the entire book in about half an hour, and throws it rashly to the other side of his room in anger, as it did him no good as a distraction. Now he’s stuck, helpless under his covers again, feeling like nothing is coming to save him and no one is here for him. That no one will be. He begins to feel numb, a feeling he hates so damn much. It’s like his entire body is shutting down. 

So he trudges over to his bathroom with a heavy heart, locking the door behind him. After a little bit of searching, he feels the small 4-inch blade under the sink, and reels it out, shuddering as he remembers old times while staring at it. The numbness is spreading however, and this is the only way he knows how to make it go away. 

With a deep breath, he slides the blade smoothly across the skin on his wrist, a wash of relief going through him at the sheer feeling from it. Bright, nauseating blood drips into the sink, and he tries not to look up into the mirror to see a total failure looking back at him. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to stomach it. 

The numbness comes back, abruptly, and scared as he is, he digs the knife in again with a hiss, deeper than he meant to. 

More blood pools over onto the sink, reminding him of the movie It when that girl was trapped in a bathroom covered in blood. His vision turns white for a second, and he imagines what it’s like to be in that situation. He maybe almost wants to be. It would be a  _ great  _ distraction. 

The blade goes in again, and he barely flinches. He just watches, almost fascinated, as another great drip of blood drops on the sink and leaves him queasy. He’s just about to do it again when he hears the door downstairs close loudly and small footsteps. 

“No Church, you may not eat my shoes.” He recognizes Izzy’s voice immediately.

_ Shit shit shit. _

He puts on the sink and washes away all the blood quickly, his ears singing as he scrambles around the bathroom trying to find something to cover his cuts at the same time. He ends up wrapping his wrists tightly in toilet paper and then covering them with the sleeve of his crew neck just before Izzy knocks on the bathroom door.

“Alec? Are you finally out of your room?”

Alec swallows heavily, blinking through some unexpected tears. “Y—yeah?”

He hears a small chuckle. “Okay, well then I’m not bringing you meals anymore.”

He rolls his eyes a little. “Well how d’you think I was going to the bathroom this whole time Iz?”   


He just hears a receding laugh, and once everything goes quiet and he knows she’s gone, he rushes back to his bedroom, closing and locking the door. Releasing a huge breath, he lets himself sink back to the floor, to what feels like his safe haven now. It feels freezing as always, and he stares at the open window feeling hopeless. He feels hopeless about life. He doesn’t know what to do, and he wants—wants to ask for help from someone _ so _ badly, but it’s easier said than done. God, he just wishes someone who knew exactly what to do could just come up to him and tell him what to do and how to get over this horrible, horrible part. 

A few minutes after contemplating everything in a staring contest with his window, Alec gives up and sinks back into his bed, burying himself back into that comfortable burrito that he so loves. 

There’s a knock on his door as soon as he’s situated. “Alec? I know I said I wouldn’t bring anymore meals but…I brought snacks?”   


He waits for her to come in, but clearly she's expecting some sort of response so he clears his throat and lifts his head and lets out a weird,  _ hmmph  _ sound of approval. The door creaks open and a second later he feels the bed sink beside him and a warm touch on his back. He wants to shy away from it yet lean into it at the same time. He feels like a full on mess, too humiliated to even show his tear-stained face to his sister. He’s a miserable mess. 

“I brought some Cheetos,” she explains softly, like he’s a small child that needs to be taken care of. He would resent her for it, he really would, but he doesn’t have much energy to even move at the moment. His stupid wrists hurt. “They’re your favorite.”

Alec doesn’t reply. She sighs and he hears a plate clink on his bedside table. He wonders the amount of plates she’s left in the past few days.    


The warm feeling on his back moves up to his shoulder, and she strokes her hand up and down it gently. He wants to shake her off, but all that happens instead are a few more shed tears. He wants her to make him speak, to be her usual stubborn self and be helpful and selfless and pull him out of his havoc, but how can she do that when she doesn't even know? He hears her stand and walk out the door, the warm feeling leaving his back. He knows he’s completely selfish for even thinking it, but he wants to be helped. So badly. 

He’s completely alone now, nothing but fresh breezes from outside to keep him distracted. He wraps the burrito tighter around himself and closes his eyes, willing himself almost painfully into sleep and hoping it works. 

It does, and when he wakes he knows it’s day four. 

Izzy and his mom are gone when he wakes, of course, and he wishes to be gone to, to be somewhere and nowhere at the same time, co-existing with the world because wow, he still feels like total shit. 

He’d slept on his wrists wrong and they’re on fire now, but he barely feels the stinging pain. It’s like his mind is a  _ feeling _ , and it’s screaming loud and currently being the only thing he  _ can _ feel.

Not really being able to help it,  _ again _ , he starts to cry. It feels like part of his daily routine now, and he  _ hates  _ it, hates feeling so miserable and vulnerable and sad. When did he become such a sensitive wimp,  _ Jesus. _

His eyes feel puffy and sore when he finally makes himself stop, and he knows it’s from days of doing this very thing. Sweat is making his hair matted to his forehead uncomfortably, even though he’s still shivering from the window.

A few uneventful minutes later find Alec startling from a knock on his door downstairs. He intends very well to ignore it, even as it keeps knocking consistently and angering the cat, because he can very well pretend no one’s home. He’s been locked in his room the past couple days, so he knows it certainly seems that way. 

The knocking finally ceases, and he lets out a small breath of relief, but it doesn’t last long. A small tapping comes from his window, and at first he thought he’d been imagining it, but then it comes again, and he jolts out of bed in surprise. Is it an animal? It can’t…there’s no way it’s the person who’d been knocking, he thinks, slightly in fear. He pads out slowly to the window, holding his breath and desperately hoping it’s just Izzy saying she’s locked out and not some murderer. 

What surprises him the most, however, is when he finds Magnus’s determined little face aiming gravel rocks right at his screen window. He doesn’t seem to notice Alec peering down at him at first, though, and tosses another rock up so it bangs against the screen abruptly. 

“Aye,” Alec says groggily. “Watch it, will you? This thing isn’t invincible.”   


Magnus’s whole face lights up when they’re eyes meet, and Alec forces his tittering heart down. “The hell are you doing?” he asks. 

Magnus looks very well like he can’t find words for a few seconds, but then he comes to and starts to splutter. 

“You—I can’t—believe that—I’m so glad—” He stops himself, takes a deep breath, then continues with actual sentences. “Could I come in?”

“Why?” says Alec lamely. 

“I just want to talk, I think, for a bit.” Alec considers this for some time, while Magnus waits patiently, and then decides it’d be better to have him here then to sit sour and sad by himself for the rest of the day again.

“Alright, come on up,” he says dramatically, making sure that it seems like he really doesn’t want Magnus here. Magnus isn’t affected by it at all, it seems, though, because his face just lights up again and he scurries off to the other side of the house for Alec to let him in. Alec frowns. He hopes he doesn’t regret this. 

A few minutes later, (minutes that consisted of Alec frantically changing into normal clothes instead of sweats and trying to form his hair into something that didn’t resemble a bird’s nest…though he’s still trying to figure out why he cares if Magnus sees him like that), he tramples downstairs for the first time in four days and meets Magnus, almost eagerly, at the door. Magnus’s face is already grinning when he sees him, and to Alec’s halting,  _ extreme _ surprise, Magnus scoops him up in a big hug before Alec can even say a word. He squeaks embarrassingly, weakly trying to pry him off as he’s nearly lifted in the air. 

“Wh— _ what on earth are you doing? _ ”

Magnus sets him down and Alec flattens himself out, trying to calm down his roaring heart beat. His face is hot, and he hopes Magnus doesn’t notice because he’ll probably give him shit for it. 

“I’m just…I wanted to say I’m sorry for telling your sister. I know it wasn’t my place to tell, but she needed to know. I needed…I needed to help you.” His face splits into a slow smile again. “And I know, I know, you don’t want me helping you, but I  _ did  _ tell you that  _ I  _ wanted to, didn’t I? So, erm, be prepared for more of that. And I also wanted to stop by and see how you are.”

“Like a therapist,” Alec deadpans, trying not convey how winded that totally random hug made him. Neither of them bring it up, however.

Magnus shrugs. “If you want to think of it like that, but I’d say I’m…I’m a friend.”   


Alec’s very curious on why Magnus just hesitated and he wants to ask about a million questions but he holds himself back, remembering the events of the past few days with a sickening feeling in his abdomen. 

Magnus seems to notice the change in his face and starts studying him intently, like he’s trying to figure something out. Alec squirms uncomfortably under his gaze. 

“Ok, so um, d’you wanna come in? I have some, probably some tea or coffee or something in the kitchen—”   


Magnus’s nodding before he’s even finished, and Alec steps away to let Magnus in. This is the first time Magnus is really looking at his house, he realizes, and he looks shocked for some strange reason. Like he expected Alec to live in a house of ruins and emoness and depression. 

“Should I just, um—like sit, or—?” Magnus points awkwardly to his couch and Alec simply nods, trotting to the kitchen to pull two cups for tea. He’s just going to assume Magnus wants tea.

Once the water’s on the stove getting ready to boil, Alec goes back to the living room and hesitantly sits next to Magnus on the couch. Magnus scoots closer to him until their thighs touch, and Alec represses the urge to blush. It comes up anyway. 

“Why’d you really come here, Magnus?” Alec asks quietly, after a beat of silence. He doesn’t even have the energy to pretend to be cross and sarcastic with him like he usually is, just too emotionally drained from the past few days.    


Magnus stares at him with sad eyes. “I wanted to see you,” he admits. He looks like he wants to say something more, but then stops himself. 

“What? What were you going to say?”   


Magnus hesitates, moves his gaze to his folded hands in his lap, and then continues speaking. “Well, I…I know you must be having a tough time. After what…happened. And I feel like I need, I feel like I need to help you, which sounds dumb—”

“Yeah, it does,” Alec interrupts. Magnus laughs softly. Then all smiles are gone and his face warps into something more serious and solemn, his eyebrows pulling together. Alec frowns.

“But there’s…there’s something that’s been…been sort of nagging at the back of brain lately, about—about the two of us. Our relationship. It’s…you just, you make me feel—” Magnus’s voice is hardly a whisper, and he breaks off in frustration at trying to find the right word. Alec’s heart is beating so loud he’s almost sure Magnus can hear it, and he would care if he wasn’t so overwhelmed. Because he knows exactly how Magnus feels. 

The whole time Alec waits for Magnus to finish his brain is screaming at him, freaking out. He barely feels in control of his own thoughts anymore. 

_ Shitshitshit could he feel the same way  _ does _ he feel the same way am I just overthinking this ohmygodohmygodohmygod what is happening why am I freaking out ew what am I feeling—  _   


Alec’s staring at him with his mouth hanging open like an idiot and the two of them share this…this _look_ and maybe for a second Magnus’s eyes land on Alec’s lips and maybe for a second Alec’s heart leaps out of his chest because the last few days are forgotten now, all he remembers and see and smells and feels is Magnus and before he knows it he’s inching forward the slightest bit because he can’t believe how much he  _ wants  _ this to happen—

And then the door knob jingles right as the teapot begins to shriek, and Alec’s so startled he jumps so hard he legitimately falls off the couch. Magnus barks out a laugh, and Alec scowls at him as he jumps right back up, boiling in embarrassment. Of course it's who Izzy walks in. She takes a look at the scene before her, Alec scrambling up from the ground, the teapot screaming and Magnus sitting on her couch before shrugging and simply going up to her room. He and Magnus stare at each other for a few seconds before bursting into hysterical, teary-eyed laughter, the reason for it unknown to Alec. Then, there comes a loud yell from upstairs.

“ _ Wait! _ Alec! You’re out of your bedroom!”

_ I sure am _ , he thinks joyfully, feeling alive for the first time in days. 

Magnus makes him forget. With him, he feels like every other bad thing in his life and in the world melts away. 

The little moment they had completely passes, and now Alec feels awkward as the laughter stops. He doesn’t know what to say or do or if they should talk about their…about what just happened. But the moment passed. Alec can’t find himself to bring it up again and from the looks of it, neither can Magnus. 

But wow, he really doesn’t know what came over him. One minute Magnus is just this stranger and now he’s thinking about kissing him…way more than he should be Jesus fucking Christ he needs a distraction— 

The teapot. It was still running, nice and obnoxiously loud in the kitchen. He dashes over there, leaving Magnus alone on the couch without a word and almost bangs right into the counter since he wasn’t exactly watching where he was going. Adrenaline’s pulsing through him in waves, and he feels like he needs to run a hundred miles. In fact, it feels like Magnus set him on fire and he really needs to calm down because Magnus can’t see him freaking out and breaking down like this. All of his thoughts are quick and jumbled together, and he steadies himself on the counter he nearly fell on to catch a breath. He doesn’t know why he’s out of breath. He shouldn’t be. 

He’d also completely forgotten about the kettle, again. Which prompts Magnus to come in a minute later and yank it off the heat, the noise dying down eventually. 

Alec shakes off everything he’s feeling when their eyes meet, even though his heart is racing again and the adrenaline gets stronger. He doesn’t even know what to say, what to  _ feel _ , feels like everything he’s doing is wrong but Magnus is right and he really needs to stop being such a cheesy sap in his head but also figure out  _ why  _ he’s being such a cheesy sap—

“Alec? Are you okay?” says Magnus, and Alec jumps out of his thoughts. Well, to be specific, forces himself out of them.

He blinks a bit slowly. “Yes?” His voice sounds dreamy and foreign, and damn he would really just like to know  _ what the hell has gotten into him— _

Magnus cocks his head and steps a little closer, and Alec can barely breath. He smells Magnus’s colonge, a nice sandalwood, rosy smell. It’s intoxicating, and Alec tries telling himself if would be much too weird if he stuck his face in Magnus’s chest and just started smelling him. 

He lets out a small breathless chuckle, and Alec finds himself thinking about his lips again. Oops. 

They’re really pretty lips. They look just like Emma Watson’s lips, near the same shape. He’s staring at Emma Watson’s lips. On a guy. 

He quite likes it.   


“Well, anyway, as I was saying before—”   


Alec panics, reaching an arm forward and stopping him mid sentence. “Wait!”   


Magnus looks puzzled. “What?”   


“I just…um, I’m not really ready to have this conversation right now,” he mumbles. It sounds like the dumbest thing he’s ever come up with in a sentence and a total excuse but at least he himself knows he’s being honest. 

Magnus’s eyebrows get even bushier as they pull together in confusion, but Alec doesn’t really pay attention to that.

He knows he should probably tell Magnus to leave, that it would be the best for the both of them, but he’d nearly started crying not even halfway through thinking about what to say, how he’d have to reject him. Alec couldn’t do that. Just, not in a lifetime. 

“Okay,” Magnus agrees cautiously. 

They’re silent again. Alec hates when they get silent. 

“Whatchya thinking about?” Magnus says. Alec feels his face go so hot he’s pretty sure he’s electric red, and he knew Magnus would think of him a freak if he knew a single thought that was running through his mind at the current moment. Hell, he even feels that way himself. This is a confusing time.

He gets so lost in his own thoughts _again_ he forgets to answer. 

Magnus puts his hands in the air apologetically and steps back, murmuring what sounded like an ‘okay’. Like a perfectly good okay, one without judgement or foulness or cruelness. Alec’s head swims again. 

_ You _ , he wants to tell him.  _ And I really can’t get you out of my head. So that’s why it’s better if you leave. Even though I don’t want you to. At all. _

“Nothing interesting,” he almost whispers. 

One part of him wants Magnus here, wants him to stay because he almost feels bad, almost like he owes him something after everything Magnus has done to him. He feels like Magnus deserves it, because he stuck by him, shitty behavior or not and Alec didn’t even ask. In fact, he’d done quite the opposite of ask Magnus to help him. 

But the other part of him wants him to stay because there’s something about Magnus that absolutely draws him in. Maybe it's the fact that all these meeting coincidences are starting to become a little suspicious and surreal, like maybe they were meant to meet. Or maybe it’s just this series of coincidences that brought them closer, and maybe their why Alec’s feeling like his heart is slamming against his ribs so hard they may break. Or maybe he’s just using that as an excuse for his feelings. 

But he  _ shouldn’t  _ have feelings. They barely know each other. Alec  _ can’t  _ have feelings for him, he’s—he’s not  _ allowed _ to do that, not allowed to feel like this. He'd made an oath. He can’t hurt any more people because they just don’t understand what it’s like to love him. He can’t.

Magnus nods. He has his elbow leaning against the counter top now, his head cocked as he looks at him with intense eyes. The way he’s positioned makes his body look more lean and pretty and…sexy.

Yes. Sexy. That thought _actually_ crossed his mind. Rude.

“So are you done checking up on me doctor? Am I free to go? Or rather, are you?” Alec says in a mocking voice. Magnus chuckles, a little wryly and shakes his head.   


“Do you want me to leave?”   


_ Not at all. _

“Do  _ you  _ want to leave?”

Magnus smiles a little soft smile, and Alec’s heart swells. He shakes his head.    


Things feel immensely different between them now, the atmosphere shifted. Alec doesn’t know what exactly happened, but now he feels like he can act completely different around him. 

Like he’s not a stranger anymore. 

“Alright,” Alec says, tearing open his cupboard and heaving out a heavy white wine bottle his mom stores for special events that never happen. He knows if he’s going to handle staying with Magnus for long in this changed atmosphere, there’s going to need to be alcohol involved. “Time for some of this?”   


Magnus frowns at him. “You’re over twenty one?”

Alec shrugs. “Nope. Doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die anyway, right?”

Magnus shrugs, looking a little worried, but Alec can tell he’s trying to act nonchalant. He smirks and walks back to the living room, hopping over the back of the couch and patting a hand on the spot next to him for Magnus. Once they sit comfortably, he pops open the bottle with his teeth and takes a large, painful gulp. 

He’s never really liked alcohol, just the effects. Just like he’s never really liked the thought of dying, just the effect of escaping it all.

Magnus takes the bottle after and does the same, barely flinching as it goes down his throat. Well, he supposes wine isn’t that strong, but he also assumes that Magnus hasn’t had much alcohol before this, seeing as he’s probably also underage. But what does Alec know? He gets the bottle back and takes another heavy swing.   


“So,” Alec croaks after swallowing down nearly a fourth of the thing. “Tell me about yourself.” He’s back to Sarcastic Alec, and although it’s not his favorite, especially with Magnus, he can’t see himself using any other one to prevent the awkwardness of this situation. 

Thankfully though, Magnus laughs, and it’s a sweet thing, his laugh. He never thought he’d enjoy the literal sound of someone’s laugh more than it looked like the person was enjoying laughing. That was just some stupid fanfiction type shit. 

That’s happening to him. 

_ What  _ is happening to him?   


“Um, I dunno, what d’you wanna know?” Somehow, Magnus’s words are already slurring a bit, and Alec gets slightly dizzy with how cute it is that he’s a lightweight. Alec’s definitely not one, so he slurps down another wine glass full gulp to  _ really  _ start to feel it.

“Everything. Anything. Anything that’s not too boring, specifically if you can.”

Magnus pulls a tight face, which makes Alec become a little more uncomfortable, but that’s before he says, “Oh, I don’t know, my entire life’s quite a boring joke, so…”

Alec realizes he was pulling the tight face in an effort not to laugh, because he bursts out nearly hysterically when he’s done. Alec blinks. Is he already that drunk?   


Alec laughs back politely. He’s starting to consider ending this little hang-out their doing, whatever they should call it. As Magnus continues laughing like someone just told the world wide most funny joke, Alec scratches at the hair on his arms, becoming slightly stressed.    


All the laughter’s cut abruptly though, when they hear a vacuum upstairs. Magnus must stop because of the look on Alec’s face, which is probably inevitable terror. He’d nearly forgotten she was in the house, really. 

This isn’t the most pleasant way to be reminded. 

Izzy despises cleaning. 

Alec has literally only seen her clean when she’s majorly stressed out/having a criss/in need of immediate help. He stubs his toe hard on the coffee table as he bursts from the couch, but he doesn’t even feel the pain as he trips up the stairs. Magnus is calling after him, but his voice blurs into pure, noiseless sound in his head. 

When he finds her furiously vacuuming under Alec’s bed, covers thrown back and everything, Alec tries not to have a heart attack. Really, it’s her they should be focused on.

It feels like a big bubble is being blown up in his chest, bigger and bigger and bigger until there isn’t much space to breathe anymore. Alec finds himself taking in much deeper breaths than usual and as the bubble grows it gets harder to inhale every time. But it doesn’t get better as he takes in more air. It gets worse.    


He bends down to her side, placing a gentle hand on her back like she could shatter. She jumps, giving a face of relief at the sight of Alec and placing a hand over her heart.  She switches the machine off and gets up.

“Way to scare a—”   


“Are you okay?” He can sense Magnus is in the room now, standing behind him most likely, but he’s stopped the frenzied drunk laughter. Gratefully.

She stares at him evenly, holding her ground and keeping her hands firmly on her hips but her lip wobbles, her eyes falter. Alec wants to run and hug her, but he knows better than to touch her in times like these.

“Jace hasn’t come home in three days.”   


The bubble in his lungs explodes, but instead of feeling freedom, it’s like it released a poison. One that’s never going to let him breathe again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O_O


	6. From the Living Room Couch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WoW, two chaps in the same week?? Crazy, I know. Plz enjoy :).

Jace has been technically missing for five days. It’s scary to even think about, so terrifyingly final, but it’s the only truth he can think of. 

Alec just needs some good alone time. Again.

He needs to have a really good cry. 

It could just be another one of his parties. Another night out with girls, which are starting to become endless. 

But _five days?_ Five whole days without Jace checking in with at least one of the Lightwoods is deeply concerning for them all, because he always leaves a note, a text. He never just…ghosts them.

Maybe he forgot. Maybe he just didn’t want to. Maybe he felt he didn’t have to anymore. 

But no matter how much Alec tries telling this to himself, he still has this horrible feeling about the situation. He likes to think that he sort of has a sixth sense with his family members, like how he knows Izzy only cleans during a crisis. And this sixth sense is screaming to him about Jace right now, and he doesn’t like it in the slightest bit. 

So now he’s on his second bottle of his mom’s lonely wine that he was never supposed to touch, already halfway through it and hopefully properly drunk. Magnus had stopped drinking a while ago but decided to stay with him. Alec minds just a little since he really doesn’t want Magnus to see him freaking out about Jace (or about anything), but again, it’s better with him than without.

His stupidly wasted mind can’t exactly figure out why he wants Magnus to stay with him so bad, and it’s not exactly helping the bad feeling in his chest.

But whatever. _Whatever._ He’s fine. He’s totally fine. 

Magnus tries to catch his eye and give him some sort of sympathetic/pitful look every few minutes, and Alec can sense it. They don’t say anything, and Alec can’t tell if it’s because they’re too awkward or…yeah, they’re too awkward. 

He bends back his head dramatically to take another long sip of the wine. He sees Magnus wince in the corner of his eye, and he gets this insane urge to throw the bottle at his head and start laughing hysterically. 

Okay, and that’s enough wine for now. 

“Are you sure you should be drinking this much?” Magnus asks tentatively. Alec studies him, annoyed.

“Are you sure you should be _here_?” he snaps back, and then snorts. Magnus sighs. “Don’t tell me what to do.”

Alec can faintly tell that he sounds like three year old, but he tries to find where he gives a fuck about it and just can’t.

Izzy’s been vacuuming upstairs for the past fifteen minutes, and Alec’s getting kind of tired of it. “Oiy! Isabelle! Wanna shut up?!” he slurs loudly, hopefully loud enough for her to hear. There’s no change for a second, and then the vacuum stops and he does a little hop up and down gleefully from where he’s sitting. 

She trots down to them with a bitter expression on her face, becoming worse when she sees the half-gone bottle in Alec’s hand. Alec grins back at her from the couch, pretending reality isn’t happening for a moment. He puts down the bottle on the coffee table so hard it nearly breaks so he can hold out his hands for a hug from Izzy.

Magnus startles from the noise of glass on wood and then gets up abruptly when Alec opens his arms out wide. Izzy isn’t giving him the hug he wants, just a pretty judgmental look, so without thinking, he holds his hands out to Magnus. 

Who rolls his eyes and crosses his arms across his chest. And yeah, ouch.

Alec’s hands flop back to his sides and he pulls a pouty face. No one speaks. 

“Magnus you’re not leaving are you?” Alec says, using his puppy dog eyes that he knows very well stopped working a long time ago. At least on his family members. It could still work with Magnus.

He sighs deeply again, and if Alec counted the amount of times he’d seen Magnus sigh today, he…

He can’t think of an analogy. He’s too drunk. 

“I don’t know,” Magnus says quietly. He hesitates, then says, “Alec, are you okay?”

Alec snorts again. Okay? Okay’s such a funny word. If Alec counted the amount of times he—

He needs to stop trying to think of analogies because it’s seriously making his brain hurt.

He almost feels bad about what he says to Magnus because of the serious look on his face, but he can’t help it. “I’m perfectly fine. It’s just Jace. Jacey Jace Jace. Jacey Jace Jace does this sometimes. It’s perfectly normal. Just like I’m perfectly _okay_.”

Magnus blinks at his speech, and Alec looks away when he sees that stupid look of pity on his face again. He _just_ holds back from yelling at him. Suddenly, Izzy’s in his field of view and he gets so happy he jumps from the couch and right on top of her. She staggers back and would’ve definitely fallen if it wasn’t for Magnus behind her catching her. Alec stays clinging on, sighing happily in her ear. She chuckles dryly, patting his back lightly.

“Alright. We need to get you upstairs and sobered up.” Alec finally lets out that hysterical laughter he feels like he’s been holding in forever. Magnus gives the two of them a sad look, and he and Izzy exchange a different look that Alec can’t comprehend. 

“Okay. I’m leaving. Bye Alec,” he says shortly, turning on his heel and going to the door. Alec groans and wails back for him, pulling his ultimate pouty face, but he leaves. He watches Magnus walk out the door just as Izzy starts pulling him upstairs, and a wave of nausea and terrible, gut-punched sadness hits him. He left. Why does it feel like everyone’s leaving in his life lately?

As soon as they hit his bedroom, a wave of memories comes back to him from the past five days, and he starts weeping openly on Izzy’s shoulder. She holds him and holds him, talks him through it, and he couldn’t be more grateful. But also, couldn’t feel worse.

  
  
Five hours later and after some serious ‘sobering up’, (Izzy’s the pro at it), Alec feels only slightly less like shit. 

Jace is still missing, five hours later. No calls, no texts, nothing. 

“We just have to wait for him to come to us, okay Alec?” Izzy says. “He always does.”

Alec bites his lip. He wants to stay positive for her, but he knows the likeliness that Jace will come back is very little. 

Another day passes, and the house is absolutely spotless from Izzy. “Maybe we should go out looking for him? I mean, he hasn’t answered any of his texts or calls, maybe he just lost his phone? Or maybe _he_ is lost,” Izzy babbles after dusting a counter top for the fourth time. Alec treads his hands through his hair in frustration. He wonders if they can ask Magnus for help. Then he whacks himself in the forehead. 

_Stop. Thinking. About. Magnus._

“I think we should think about contacting the police,” she says quietly. Alec’s blood turns cold. The police are his worst nightmare. Stupid irrational fears. 

He nods, and then slowly turns around to go in the direction of his bedroom. A hand lands on his arm, and he stiffens. 

“Please, will you come with me?” Her voice cracks.

Alec loves his sister. He really would do anything for her. And this falls into one of those scenarios. 

But it’s…it’s Jace. It’s Jace. He can’t do this. He would do it for her, but he literally can’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” he says, refusing to look her in the eye because he knows the damage that’ll do. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, gently pulling away from her arm to go sulk upstairs. 

This could be marked as the worst day ever. Yes, even worse than when he tried to kill himself. (Because he met Magnus then).

Alec whacks himself in the head again. 

After another day passes with no ceasing from Izzy’s cleaning, Alec understands that he needs to keep it together for _her_ . She doesn’t deserve to have this happen to her. She doesn’t deserve to _clean._

Well, no one does, but especially Izzy.

He keeps up his Supportive Alec facade as long as he can per hour, offering her food between cleaning breaks. 

It’s not a surprise that she’s more affected than Alec about this situation anyway. She and Jace have always been closer. Alec and Jace had been like that once but then…well.

Thinking about sad things when he’s trying to pull his Supportive Alec isn’t a smart idea. He reels his mind away from the subject on why he and Jace aren’t that close anymore, and continues moping about poor Izzy.

 _Izzy_ was always person Jace texted when he needed a ride home after getting completely wasted at a girl’s house. _Izzy_ was the one who always checked up on him and made sure he was alright, and Izzy was the only person he replied to.

But there were no replies now. No calls. He can’t imagine how much this must be worrying her, except he _can_ mostly because the house has never been this spotless.

Now she’s busying herself in washing all the windows in the house, starting from her bedroom. Alec knocks on the door to her room carefully, which is already slightly ajar. She jumps and nearly drops her spray, even though Alec knocked the lightest for her. 

“Alec,” she say shortly, without looking him in the eye. She looks exhausted; awful, purple bags hanging from underneath her eyes, hair hasn’t left a messy bun in days, and her outfits had just been the same sweatpants and occasionally a different t-shirt.

Pity grows in his heart, though he certainly doesn’t welcome it since he knows that Izzy feels about the same way about pity as he does. 

“Izzy,” he says softly, stepping into her room enough that he’s past the door. “Um, why don’t we—why don’t we take a small break from the cleaning, hmm?”

Izzy frowns at him, and her hands twitch, like all she wants to do is turn back around and scrub that window raw.

Alec will never really understand what goes on in his sister’s mind.

“Why?” she snaps. Alec grimaces.

“Because you’ve been wiping at that window the past five minutes and, in fact, I think it’s time to give _the house_ a break.”

Izzy crosses her arms, completely not amused by Alec’s annoying jokes. He understands. 

“Here, just—” and he slowly reaches forward to take the spray bottle out of her hands. 

As soon as he does, however, he lips trembles dangerously, and in the next second she collapses in sobs. Alec startles, then regains himself and goes to hold her gently with soothing words as he wills down the lump in his own throat and closes his eyes tightly. She’s clutching him harder than possibly ever, and he nearly has to keep her standing. 

It’s always strange, seeing someone you’re the closest to break down like this. Alec can’t get over his overwhelming sorrow for her, which is spiraling him into self-hatred and almost a full mental breakdown himself as he tries to calm Izzy.

After what feels like years, though, she seems to settle down, her wracking sobs turned into quiet sniffling as she clutches the front of Alec’s shirt with both her hands. Because of the difference in their height, her face is squished into his collarbone, and Alec’s felt every last tear touch his skin, heartbreakingly enough.

He knows how exhausted she must be, so he sets her down on her bed as if he’s handling an infant, and lays with her until she stops shaking like a leaf. 

Now he’s alone, though. And he knows very well what he’s going to do next. However, his motto is never get drunk alone…so he decides to follow it. 

He wonders if they have anything stronger than wine as he and Magnus settle back down into the couch with a bottle of it in each of their hands. Magnus had picked up nearly on the second ring, and seemed even more eager to come over, even with how abruptly he had left the other day. It’s his mother’s last bottles, and he knows he’ll be strangled in a couple of hours when she gets home from work but…oh well. Everyone’s going to die anyway, right?

“So shall we go back to what we were discussing before?” Alec says a few sips in. He’d completely prepared himself to get totally wasted, and he’s never been more ecstatic to jump in. Jump in with the distractions. 

Magnus winces as he takes two large gulps, one after the other. Then he answers, “What, where I was talking about myself?” with his features still pinched up from the alcohol. Alec finds himself struck with a feeling of fondness, of how…how dumbly cute Magnus looks with his nose scrunched up and all. Alec blinks. There’s no harm in thinking someone’s cute, he tries telling himself without getting nauseous. 

“What?” Magnus asks, eyes wide. They’re both almost halfway through their bottles now, but he reckons it isn’t enough to tell Magnus that he thinks he’s _cute_ yet, goddammit. He must’ve been voicing his thoughts aloud. Oops. Ah, what alcohol can do to you.

“Nothing,” he says, blushing. “Nothing.”

Magnus smirks though, and leans forward so that his elbows are resting on his knees. Alec’s face grows hotter, and he can literally feel the blood spreading throughout his face, so he ducks it down so Magnus doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing him like this. It’s unsettling. No one’s made him blush quite as much as this stupid man has, this stupid man with his stupid, sexy accessories and stupid, glamorous makeup matched with stupid, _tight_ clothes—

“You think I’m cute.” Magnus says it as a fact, not a question, and Alec feels more blood rise to his face. It’s almost getting painful, and he desperately wishes Magnus would give him a break. 

“N—no,” is all he says instead of thinking of some creative retort. He’s not good at this. Especially drunk. 

“I think you do,” Magnus drawls, literally doing the opposite of Alec’s wishes and continuing to push on. Alec bits his lips and tugs a hand harshly through his sweaty hair. 

“Look, I thought we were supposed to be talking about _you_ ,” Alec slurs. Magnus cocks his head, as if challenging him to an argument, but Alec’s having none of it. 

“Okay, change subject time,” he says as he sets down his wine bottle on the table to clap his hands together dramatically. Magnus laughs and does the same, minus the hand clap. “Hmmm, what’s the…best memory you have?”

Magnus gets immediately distracted by this, and Alec’s more grateful than he should be. “Ooh, I know it I know it,” Magnus says excitedly as he shakes the bottle in his hand. “Senior prom. Yes, I _technically_ didn’t have a girlfriend…or—or boyfriend _but_ that was like the funnest night of my life. Splendid party,” he says with a similar slur, and now it’s his turn to go a little red in the face. 

_Boyfriend._

Magnus…Magnus likes guys. 

Nice to know. Nice to be _confirmed._

“Cool,” Alec whispers, his mouth hanging open slightly. 

Magnus frowns. “Are you—”

“So what do you even do for a living? I’ve never heard anything about it.” Right after he says this he immediately regrets it because of _course_ he hasn’t heard anything about it—they’re just…he’d barely even call them friends. 

Magnus turns a little more red, and as he takes down two more gulps, Alec notices that maybe the redness isn’t only from the embarrassment, considering the way his eyes are starting to glaze over. He remembers how he’s a little bit of a lightweight, and holds back a snort. 

“I’m…well I’m studying design. Fashion, specifically."

Alec raises his eyebrows, taking in Magnus’s long plaid pants and dark green turtleneck t-shirt topped with a see-through, purple scarf, draped lazily around his neck. “I’m not surprised.”

Magnus notices him checking out his outfit and laughs. Magnus’s laugh is unique, very different from his voice. His voice is usually smooth and sweet and in the middle of manly and high-pitched. But when he’s actually being himself, and he’s caught off-guard, his laugh is quite the opposite. It’s shrill and hiccupy and girlish (in a totally manly way), almost like a puppy barking. 

Alec likes it. 

They settle down after a bit and are left hanging without any questions or anything else to say. Silence between them used to be uncomfortable and cold, but now Alec feels like he’s hanging with an old friend. It feels like silently communicating between looks, and pretty soon Alec finds himself forgetting about what’s happening in the rest of the world. He forgets about Jace and Izzy cleaning and his cuts and his…life. Too busy focusing on the exact shade of green in Magnus's eyes, he can’t see why any of those matter at this time. 

“Alec, can I ask you something? And can you answer honestly?” Magnus whispers, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

The happy clouds around Alec are suddenly lifted, no, stole away from him as soon as the words leave Magnus’s mouth. Because he’s sure he knows exactly what the question is going to be, and he’s not sure he can handle it right now. 

But he nods, for two reasons. One, a strange part of him feels like he owes Magnus this, and two… _fuck it._ He’s so tired of having his stupid, aching, familiar fear clawing inside him like a _disease_ , he’s tired of being scared for no reason and wishing he could just shy away from it all. He needs to step out of his comfort zone. 

“Are you…um, well, I don’t really know how to ask this but d’you like gu—”

“Yes,” Alec says quickly, before he can lose his nerve. It feels like an instant weight is taken off him, and he’s glad he did it now.

Magnus looks at him with wide eyes. “You…so you…you’re ga—”

“Mhmm.” Somehow Alec’s voice cracks, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment while he takes an extra long swing to let Magnus process his words.

When Alec looks back he looks…Magnus looks sort of in awe. Alec doesn’t understand him. “So um. That’s cool. That’s—that’s nice,” Magnus says. Alec covers a laugh with a cough. 

He can’t help asking, “Why are you so weird about this? You can’t be one of those people who are weird around gay people, because, well, you are too. I think. Right?”

Magnus barks out a laugh, and it’s another shrill, real one, and Alec hopes Magnus is getting used to being himself around him. 

“Yeah. But that’s not why I’m weird. Trust me.”

Alec frowns. “Then…why?”

Magnus purses his lips, clearly considering telling him, but then shakes his head and waves it off. 

“Nothing. It’s no reason.”

“I hope you know I don’t believe you.”

Magnus smirks. “Then don’t. But I’m not telling you.”

Alec does a mix between a frown and a pout to make Magnus laugh again. “Alright, _fine_ ,” he drawls dramatically, making Magnus laugh more. “But then _I_ won’t tell you _my_ secret.”

Magnus raises his eyebrows, and Alec wants to burst out laughing too because he can’t believe that they’re acting like absolute _children_ yet he doesn’t give a single fuck about it—

And then Magnus kisses him. 

Like a _real_ , full kiss, his face trapped between the two hands Magnus suddenly has on his cheeks. Alec’s eyes are wide open, and his senses feel amplified, like every touch and breath against his face is causing him goosebumps. Magnus’s eyes have fallen closed and Alec’s never seen his face so close up, but it doesn’t matter does it because he’s still _stunningly_ beautiful, his long eyelashes brushing close to Alec’s and his nose pressed against his cheek and his lips moving against Alec’s…while Alec’s still just sitting there dumbfounded. 

Right. He should probably kiss back. 

But, wait…actually, why _should_ he? _The hell is going on?_

 _Magnus is kissing you. Magnus is kissing you he’s actually kissing you oh my god_ do something.

Alec does his first instinct and pushes him away. Without ever kissing back, which he immediately regrets once their apart. Magnus looks a little startled and overwhelmed, droopy eyes and red face and small pants falling from his lips and his hands still poised halfway in the air like he wants to grab Alec and kiss him again—

Alec really, _really_ wants to do the same. 

Well, screw it. It would be _much_ more awkward, Alec decides, if they have to _talk_ about what just happened instead of doing it again. 

So, with barely any experience of what the hell he’s doing, Alec Lightwood presses their lips together again, and this time, he kisses back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy.


	7. You Just Need to Try

Kissing someone is weird. 

Alec Lightwood had only had one other kiss before Magnus, and it was drunk and feely and inexperienced and Alec had hated it secretly. He often likes ruling out that that was his first kiss.

And now, he can actually use this example as his first kiss, which is definitely much better than what his actual first was with that annoying, flirty freshman. 

Magnus tastes like apple cinnamon and bourbon, and the feeling of him so close and pressed against him is half-terrifying half-mind blowingly hot. His hands have ended up in Alec’s hair, not tugging, but lightly carding through, like he’s trying to re-style it. Alec’s are on his wrists, not really knowing what else to do with himself. 

Magnus  _ must  _ have more experience than Alec, because he’s going at it like there’s no tomorrow while Alec’s sort of just trying to keep up. Magnus’s tongue is teasing at the seam of their lips, and Alec goes dizzy with pleasure when they move to a real open-mouthed kiss. Alec’s barely even had an open-mouthed kiss. Except for in his damn dreams. 

But the funny thing is, Magnus is already so much better than anything Alec’s ever dreamt of, and it’s startling. Alec feels delirious and giddy and so so  _ happy _ , unlike he’s felt in the last couple of days…though he’s not sure why. He’s not sure about anything right now. 

Why are they still doing this?   


_ Why is he kissing Magnus? _ _   
_

Alec’s eyes fly open, and he takes Magnus in again. His silky black hair is brushing Alec’s forehead, falling forward because today apparently he’d decided not to gel it. Alec’s glad, almost. He likes Magnus’s hair better non-gelled.

He closes his eyes again and this time let’s himself get lost in the kiss. Who knows, it might be the last he ever has, so he’d better make it worth it. His hands move from Magnus’s arms slowly to his shoulders and then down to his hips, balling fists in the turtleneck. Magnus makes a breathy sound and pulls Alec closer,  _ with his hair _ , and now they’re both sort of awkwardly situated in each other’s laps.

It’s so the opposite of perfect. But it’s so  _ Magnus _ , and it’s all Alec could ever want. 

And  _ wow _ , he wonders what the rule is for the appropriateness of getting a boner in this situation, because he might be definitely breaking it already. Thankfully, both of their eyes are closed, though. 

Their lazy, sweet kiss lasts about ten more seconds. Ten seconds which is when Magnus makes what sounds close to an actual growl and slips his hands around Alec’s waist so he can pull him straight into his lap and on top of him as they fall back on the couch together. 

Alec makes a small  _ oomph  _ against Magnus’s mouth and they giggle as they touch and kiss together again. Alec’s hands are roaming everywhere now, freely, and Magnus’s are staying pinned to his sides, going in up and down motions Alec can only assume are soother than massages. Magnus could be a good masseuse.

Of course,  _ these  _ are the thoughts he’s thinking right now. 

The world is officially melting away, which is one of the scariest but best feelings, Alec thinks. Magnus is all he knows, all he can think about now, like nothing ever existed besides him in the first place. 

Their kiss gets significantly more heated, however, when Alec accidentally changes the angle and slots their hips together. Magnus sort of jerks and breathes loudly in Alec’s mouth again, and Alec tries to remember how to breathe in the first place. 

Well, if there  _ is  _ a rule about not getting hard, Magnus is certainly breaking it too. 

Alec knows he should probably slow down by this point, but it’s too much now, he feels far too in to stop. Magnus doesn’t seem too keen to stop either, which makes Alec feel much better. 

He pushes his hips forward, just to see how it feels, and damn, it’s  _ incredible.  _ How has Alec been missing this feeling for so long?

Magnus seems quite into it; his hands are starting to slide up Alec’s shirt, rucking it up to feel more exposed skin and leaving goosebumps in his wake. Alec shivers and kisses him harder, as hard as he can. Magnus keeps making more and more of those breathy,  _ hot  _ sounds, all of them getting caught right up in Alec’s mouth, vibrating against his lips. 

When Magnus pushes his hips up and reciprocates, Alec gets lightheaded and moans into Magnus’s mouth, his eyes fluttering as his hand tighten on the turtleneck. 

Right after this happens, unfortunately, they both jump apart quicker than cats when Izzy’s steps come trampling down the stairs. Alec’s laying sort of halfway on his side, facing Magnus while he looks about the same. Magnus’s cheeks are slightly flushed, his hair mussed and he’s panting like he just won a marathon. Alec has to will his damn boner down at the sight of him, which is possibly the hardest thing he’s ever done. He feels blurry and wild inside, but is trying his very best to hide that from his _sister._

Izzy stops right behind the couch, resting her hands on it and looking between the two of them weirdly. 

“Okay, I’m just not gonna ask,” she says, putting her hands up. “But anyway, mom called. Jace is the hospital, he’s actually  _ safe _ , I—can you believe that?” She lets out a breath of relief and her eyes are the brightest he’s seen them in days. He lets out a small breath of relief too, mostly for her. No more cleaning. Hopefully. 

“Um, hospital doesn’t sound too safe, Iz, what’s wrong with him?”

She grimaces. “He got alcohol poisoning. Of course, classic Jace. But it’s okay, because he’s  _ okay  _ now. Well, actually, I shouldn’t say that before mom gets her hands on him, but still. He—he’s actually okay. He’s okay.” She keeps repeating these words out loud to herself like it’s the best news she’s heard all year, and Alec feels this starburst of happiness for her being alright again. The house can finally go back to be dirty.

“Yeah. That—that’s great, Iz. I’m happy—I’m glad.” He stops himself from saying  _ I’m happy for you _ , because goddammit, this is his brother and he shouldn’t just be glad for Izzy. He too should be glad that Jace is so called  _ okay.  _ But, well, times change. It’s what happens. 

“Okay. Okay, I’m going to the hospital. Wanna come with?” she asks, already moving to grab her coat and her shoes from the other room. Alec looks over at Magnus, who’s still laying awkwardly and avoiding his eye, and he cringes at the thought of going to see Jace. They had barely spoken in months, ever since…since…

“No, um, sorry, I’m a bit shit-faced right now, actually,” he says, indicating to the bottles left forgotten on the coffee table. Izzy frowns, looking between the two of them with another strange, judging look on her face. “Later? Maybe?” he suggests. 

She shrugs and nods, walking away without another word, and Alec represses the urge to feel guilt as he watches her go. 

He’s shaken out of it when a hand lands on his shoulder though, and he suddenly remembers that Magnus exists and is laying on his couch with him while they’re both still half-hard from  _ making out _ for the past ten minutes and  _ holy shit.  _ Alec can’t quite believe that just happened to him.

Magnus, however, doesn’t look like he’s returning his feelings of joy. Instead, he looks worried, which worries Alec. 

“Why don’t you want to see him?” he asks. So they’re just going to ignore the kiss, then? Good to know. 

Alec blinks. He doesn’t know what to say, or rather, doesn’t know if he  _ wants  _ to say something. 

“I’d rather stay here, wouldn’t you?” he says in the best flirty way he can, clearly trying to change the subject. It doesn’t look like it’s working. Magnus just turns out looking more concerned. 

“But this is your brother. The one you’ve been freaking out about the past couple days, shouldn’t you want to see him—”   


“Hey,” Alec says defensively, sitting up a little. “I haven’t been _ freaking out _ , what do you mean? And my relationship with Jace is none of your business.”   


Magnus frowns but puts his hands in the air apologetically. “Look, all I’m saying is—”

“Well, _don’t_ say anything, okay? How about you don’t say anything about things you don’t know about? God, you can never just mind your own damn business can you,  _ ever. _ ” Alec knows he must be over-stepping, but he can’t stop himself, can’t help it. He knows half of the reason is the alcohol, but damn the alcohol, this are his own issues he needs to resolve. Or argue about. “I think you need to go. Just leave. This was just a stupid mistake.”   


Hurt flashes in Magnus’s eyes, and Alec wills his lip not to tremble as he shakily stands from the couch and points to the door. Magnus listens without objection, though, which makes Alec sadder than it should. The sound of the door closing loud from the kitchen is the last thing he hears or notices before collapsing to the floor in deep, wrenching sobs. 

Jace is found. Jace is okay. So why is he feeling the opposite of how he should be?

Three days pass before Jace officially returns back home. There’s no welcome home party. There’s no celebration. One day he’s not in the house, and the next he is, looking a little groggy and shaken, but yes, otherwise okay. Okay. God he hates that word. 

Alec and Jace don’t speak when he comes back. They hardly make eye contact, and it makes Alec feel queasy just thinking about it. Jace locks himself in his room about thirty seconds after he walks into the house, and his mom follows after him, her face shooting daggers on his back.  _ Oh,  _ he knows Jace is in for a  _ long  _ talk.

Well, he can imagine receiving a similar one once his mother finds out about the missing wine bottles, but that’s something for another time. 

When the yelling starts in the bedroom next to his, Izzy comes into his room and crawls into bed next to him, curling facing away from him under the covers. He doesn’t say anything. She deserves to have some comfort. 

“Your room is cold,” she complains, muffled. Alec chuckles, turning so he can lay an arm soothingly on her shoulder. “Y’should close your damn window.”

Alec makes himself laugh again, even though he’s not very sure what she said. Forgetting to pay attention is something that’s been happening too much to him lately, though he thinks it’s normal. He hopes. 

“Are you okay?” he asks after a minute. She turns around, facing him face to face with her strange little look that she seemingly always wears. 

“Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? Jace is safe. Jace is home,” she says almost accusingly. 

Alec tries making his voice even softer so she can be calmer. “I know, I know, and it’s great, you just seem…I don’t know. A little upset? It’s not every day you come cuddling in bed with me.” The softer voice seems to do the opposite of calming her. Sitting up, her strange look turns into a full on glare at him, and he gulps. 

“Excuse me, but it’s not like you objected to me coming here. And I just wanted to, y’know, get away from all the yelling. Just for a little while. But I mean, if you have a problem—”

“No, no Iz, I’m good I swear. You—just never mind, I get it, obviously you can stay.”   


At that she cracks the faintest of smiles before whipping herself back on her other side again and snuggling up. This time, Alec snuggles up with her, not touching, but close enough for both of them to have comfort now. 

Sleep feels far away, though. 

“Alec?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

She turns around to smack him on the arm. 

“Okay, um, now don’t make this awkward but…what were you and Magnus doing downstairs? Before I came? Is there…is there something going on between you two?”

Alec stiffens, some part of him wishing he could go back in time and object when Izzy asked if she could ask him a question. 

He says nothing at first, trying to control his breathing. 

Should he tell her? Would it be weird? She does technically know he’s gay, (now two people know), but they’ve never really talked about…boys and stuff. Their relationship just has a different vibe to it, a different consistency. They’re close, but not like that. 

Well, what does he have to lose, really?

“Um, I—I’m not really sure. It’s—it was nothing, n—nothing big, but it doesn’t matter anyway because nothing’s happening between the two of us. Relationship wise.”

Izzy turns around fully now, so that they’re face to face again. “Well, why don’t you  _ want  _ to be relationship wise? Especially with someone like Magnus? He’s like, really great. And hot, mind you."

Alec wants to smile and agree, he wants to gush and talk more about Magnus until his tongue falls off, but he doesn’t. He can’t.

So he uses what he knows to be the secret key to get out of nearly any situation one doesn’t want to be in. 

“I’m not ready.”

Izzy, of course, sees right through it though. God, what doesn’t she not see through?

“Bullshit. C’mon. This is  _ Magnus _ —”

“Yeah, so? What’s the big deal?” Alec says defensively, and Izzy’s face falls a fraction, making Alec’s heart tighten. 

“I just want you to be happy,” she whispers, her eyes drooped and staring fixedly at a line on his sheets. He feels close to vomiting. 

Without saying another word, he turns onto  _ his  _ other side so now he’s facing a wall and can’t see her if she tries. Thankfully, he hears some shifting and then not another word comes out of her, and that’s when he allows himself to shed a tear. 

It’s not like he doesn’t want to be happy too. He wants that more than anything. But he can’t. He just can’t give Magnus all of his emotional baggage, it would be damn selfish to make  _ any  _ person deal with all of that, and Magnus has dealt with enough of him already. Besides, it’s not like Magnus is ever going to want Alec after he figures out everything about him. 

Eventually, after forcing himself out of his all-consuming thoughts, Alec falls into a fitful sleep, dreaming he and Magnus live far away together, having both escaped all his damage. Oh, if only it were that easy.

Magus tries to contact him constantly during the next week. Winter is coming quickly, and days keep getting shorter and colder, pressing on Alec’s mood. He’s spending more and more days back in his room, like the time when Jace was gone never even happened. He’s back to locking himself in his room and pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist, just trying to get his mind off Magnus. 

It’s so stupid how much Magnus has wriggled himself into Alec’s brain. It shouldn't be allowed.  _ He  _ doesn’t want to allow it, but no matter what he does to distract himself, his thoughts always go swimming back to Magnus’s girly laugh and shiny eyes. So stupid.

So he knows the best thing he can do for himself to get past this is ignore Magnus completely. It’s not like they were close anyway. 

A couple of times, he thinks he even hears the tapping of gravel on his screen again, but he ignores it this time. It’s not going to happen again. Gratefully, Magnus takes the hint and doesn’t come back again. 

After a week passes, the buzzing in Alec’s phone seems to stop. He’s barely looked at it all week, making sure instead to busy himself with re-reading and memorizing Shakespeare books again. He keeps his window wide open, even with the colder weather settling in. He still enjoys it. 

Temptation to call Magnus is very,  _ very  _ strong by another week. Now that he’s stopped trying to contact Alec completely, he selfishly spends very long minutes staring at his phone trying to stop himself from grabbing it and texting Magnus back. 

Izzy rarely comes to check on him anymore, which gives him a weird tight feeling in his chest that he wishes wasn’t there. He wants her to come in and snatch his phone away so he isn’t tortured by having to just sit there  _ looking  _ at. Magnus has been poisoning his thoughts for the whole damn day and now nothing’s he doing is distracting himself enough to have a  _ second  _ of peace in his mind. 

_ Maybe if I just call him, it’ll go away. _

He shakes his head firmly, turning away from his phone again. 

_ This is just too hard.  _

He reaches for his phone again. 

Then he draws his hand back and groans in frustration, collapsing back on his bed and hoping for his phone to disappear. At the same time, he also wants to grab it to google how on earth people deal with…with whatever this is.

It is  _ not  _ a crush. 

Alec Lightwood most certainly does  _ not  _ get crushes. That’s some stupid, cheesy movie shit, and Alec…Alec doesn’t  _ get  _ those. Nope. He doesn’t.

So this is just something that’s going to pass. Something  _ unnameable _ , something  _ not a crush _ , that’s going to pass. He’s starting to sound like a broken record in his head as he repeats this like a mantra. 

Eventually, with his tired body and his spent mind, he forces himself into sleep.

And dreams of Magnus. Of  _ course. _

After about two hours, Alec woke up from a very  _ certain  _ dream about a  _ certain  _ Magnus which ended up with a sticky mess between his legs. The worst part is, he woke up from his door slamming open. And  _ Magnus  _ being the one who slams it open makes the situation much,  _ much  _ worse. 

Alec lets out a garbled yelp in surprise as he grabs his sheets and pulls them quickly farther up his body, knowing the feeling of what just happened and knowing Magnus very well doesn’t need to see  _ that.  _ Magnus is just… _ standing  _ there in his doorway, this wild look in his eyes as he pants a little. He’s sporting a long, grey trench coat atop a v-neck, purple t-shirt with ankle high boots and skinny jeans. Alec feels severely underdressed with his pajamas, Java Juice coffee t-shirt that he’s had since he was fourteen. 

And his nike shorts. That are still sticky. 

Fuck. This is actually happening. 

All he’s been thinking about in the past twenty four hours and more has been Magnus, and Magnus and Magnus and now…now he’s somehow right in front of him.

The first thing Alec does is lift his hand to touch the side of his neck, as if he can still feel Magnus’s lips there from the dream. 

Fuck.  _ Fucking fuck fuck.  _ It was a dream. He just had a wet dream like an actual  _ child  _ about someone who’s  _ standing right in fucking front of him— _

“Well hello,” Magnus says, and Alec nearly doubles over with how relieved he is to hear his voice. He’s forgotten it’s beautiful yet subtle raspiness, with that touch and hint of high-pitched that’s usually paired with his laughs. Alec bits his lip to hold back a whimper, remembering  _ certain  _ parts of the dream that involved a lot of Magnus’s mouth which turned his voice into…more perfect raspiness.

He flushes, then looks down to cover himself. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” he whispers. Once he’s assured the red from his face is gone, (and that he can control himself), he lets himself meet Magnus’s eye again. 

Which he immediately regrets, because the look on Magnus’s face so cleary changes, enough that Alec knows he’s noticing the touch of how hot and spent and probably wild he looks because of his, erm, wild dream. Alec looks down again, pretending to ignore it and pulling the sheets higher over his groin. Magnus sees the motion and sucks in a breath. 

“It’s my birthday,” Magnus blurts out. “I can officially drink legally now, heh. Yay.”

He doesn’t sound exactly ecstatic. “Great for you,” Alec deadpans. 

Magnus gives him possibly the most obscene look-over Alec ever seen anyone give, and he’s sure he’s not even aware he’s doing it. 

“Yes,” Magnus says slowly, still looking over his body. “Yes it is, actually.”

Alec blinks owlishly up at him, still tired from his dream and mostly recovering from the embarrassment. He really, really hopes Magnus doesn’t suspect anything, because he doesn’t need that conversation in his future. 

“So, um, what exactly are you doing here?”

Magnus looks sort of like he’s about to leap toward Alec and tackle him into the bed (in a good way), but then stops himself. Alec doesn’t know what to feel. 

“I want—I need to talk to you. And you never answer your phone, or respond when I throw rocks at your window, so…so Izzy let me in.”

Alec scowls, mentally adding to figure out different ways to murder his sister to his list of things to do. He doesn’t say anything else, because frankly, this has never happened to him, and it’s the last thing he’d expected when he woke from his nap. 

But alas, here Magnus is.

“Ok. Talk.”

Magnus hesitates again, and this is when Alec notices how fast his heart is beating. This is nerve-wracking.

“Can I sit?” He moves to sit next to Alec on the bed, and Alec panics, jumping a little and then frantically pulling up the covers again, his face flaming. Magnus stops. 

“Everything alright?”

Alec closes his eyes tightly, his mind swimming for a way to get out of this. “Turn around,” he suddenly says. Magnus looks startled. 

“I—what?”

“Just do it. Now. Please.”   


Magnus’s eyes travel back down to his groin for a split second before he does as he’s told, and Alec wonders what’s going through his head, trying to keep it PG. It doesn’t work, exactly.

Alec’s quicker than raindrops coming from the sky, leaping from his bed and snatching a new pair of shorts that are lying on his dresser as he scoots out of his bedroom, holding the new shorts over the front of the one’s he’s wearing to cover up the mess. 

“Be right back!” Alec yells, his voice shaking a little as he runs to the bathroom and closes the door loudly.    


He changes the shorts faster than he thinks he’s ever changed before, and throws the old ones in the tub so Magnus doesn’t see him bringing them back to his room. 

Too much is happening at once, he decides, and tries to slow it down as he goes back to his room. His heartbeat isn’t really getting the message, though. 

When he comes back, he finds Magnus fluffing his pillows lightly, half crouching on his bed. He sighs when he feels his heart warm. 

He clears his throat, and holds back a grin when Magnus jumps and falls completely onto the bed. Magnus clears his throat too, crossing his arms and clearly trying to look like he wasn’t just caught tidying up Alec’s bedroom. 

Alec sits beside him, carefully weighing his emotions and making sure he doesn’t freak out. 

“Okay. Let’s talk.”

From his peripheral vision, he sees Magnus nod, and he swallows tightly. 

“Well, first things first,” Magnus starts. “Um—could you look at me?”

Alec lifts his head with a deep breath and does just so. 

“Okay.” He sees Magnus suck in a large breath too, before his face is cocooned in Magnus’s hands and their lips are together again. A kiss being the literal last thing he expected, no, he didn’t even expect it at  _ all,  _ Alec almost jumps out of his skin. 

He’s pretty sure he’s forgotten how to breathe entirely, and with great difficulty, he tries ignoring how warm Magnus’s mouth feels against his and the soft caress of his fingers on Alec’s cheeks, which are stupidly red by this point. Alec’s eyes are open, like last time, and he finds he rather likes it better this way, because he can really see every detail on Magnus’s face without having to worry about staring. Magnus looks so vulnerable and open, unlike how he ever looks when they aren’t kissing, and Alec wonders if he’ll ever get to see that side of him beyond when their lips are connected. 

Then Magnus opens his mouth and deepens the kiss, promptly switching Alec’s mind to more rated-R thoughts. An endless onslaught of images are brought into his mind from the dream he’d just had not more than an hour ago, and he shuts his eyes tight, hoping that’ll make them go away.

It doesn’t.

He pulls back and pushes Magnus away, lightly. The vulnerable look in Magnus’s eyes is still there, radiating through his face as he pants and pushes his hair out of his forehead. They stare at each other for a moment, taking everything in, and it’s so silent Alec’s sure Magnus can hear his heartbeat this time. He’s already forgotten the sweet, beautiful smell Magnus always has, and resists the temptation to pull him back and bury himself in it again. 

“Okay, that’s done,” Magnus says, drawing out the vowels a little like one kiss got him that out of it. Alec tries not to preen.

“What was that?” he asks, his voice a smidge higher than usual.

“Oh you know. Magnus Bane kissing Alec Lightwood. Something that just needed to be gotten out of the way.”

Bane. Huh. Alec didn’t realize he hadn’t known Magnus’s last name until this very point. 

Bane. 

_ Cool. _

“Why’d you do it?”

“Why does anyone do anything? Because I wanted to,” Magnus says, accompanying his words with a smile and a wink. A fucking  _ wink.  _ “And, well, I came here to talk, and this talk could either end up with us in shreds or coming back stronger than ever. So whatever happens, I just wanted to do that, in case it’s the last time.”

_ Us. _

Alec blinks slowly, thinking of all the  _ us _ ’s Magnus could be talking about in the future. 

“Why’d you come here?”   


Magnus’s smile doesn’t falter. “You ask a lot of questions, don’t you? And that’s one I’ve already answered.” Alec wonders if there’s a reason Magnus is in a significantly better mood. He tries not to think about some of the possibilities. 

“Well as my therapist, you ought to know everything, shouldn’t you?” Alec retorts, sending Magnus into a fit of happy laughter. 

Once he recovers, he says, “Oh yes, I should, shouldn’t I?”

They both laugh now, and it shatters the uneasy atmosphere that was hanging between them from being apart for so long. Alec’s glad.

“Okay, wow, now I’m not looking forward to this conversation,” Magnus says once he’s stops giggling. Alec loses all humor in his face entirely, and looks down to his lap.

“Magnus I…I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I want to have this—”   


“Oh no, you’re not getting out of it this time, Lightwood. It’s time. And you know, talking  _ is  _ proven to help you feel better. So it’s time,” Magnus decides firmly. The laughter they just shared feels lifetimes away as Alec looks back up into Magnus’s unwavering eyes. 

“Tell me what happened with Jace, Alec.”

Alec’s stomach plummets to his toes, because that is  _ not  _ what he signed up for and exactly not what he needs to be thinking about, especially not talking about. He tries erasing the flood of memories popping up in his head as they come pouring down all at once, but he can’t, and he can’t hold back the lump in his throat coming up either. So ridiculously stupid, this whole thing. 

“I’m not doing that.”

“Yes you are.”

Alec looks at him like he’s a psychopath. “You can’t decide that one for me.”   


Magnus shrugs, and then waits. Alec stands his ground, trying to stop his breath from shaking because he doesn’t need another reason to embarrass himself in front of Magnus right now. 

But nothing else happens. Magnus doesn’t say anything else, just sits there like he has all day and fuck, if he’d planned coming here to talk about Jace then he really must have nothing else to do all day (which is bad for Alec). Alec sets his back straight and tries looking confident, though he ruins it by jumping when a siren goes off somewhere nearby. New York really has a lot of those, doesn’t it?

Magnus straightens out his hand and surveys his nails with a deep look of fake concentration. “I hope you know I’ve got all day, and I’m planning on using all of it until you tell me.”   


Alec wants to challenge him to more than a day, wants to say that he has all day and he could use it all to without saying anything at all, but somewhere inside he knows this is childish. 

“Why are you doing this?” he whispers instead. Magnus takes away all fake looks and his face softens. “Do you, like,  _ enjoy _ seeing me suffer?” His stupid voice cracks. 

“No Alec,” Magnus says with a heavy sigh, like he’s responsible for carrying Alec’s emotions in a satchel on his back, and he doesn’t like it. “That’s exactly why I’m doing this. Can’t you see you’re already suffering? We met because  _ you were about to jump off a bridge.  _ How can you just be okay with that? How can you not understand?”  There’s a strained edge to his voice that pleads for Alec to listen, and it almost sets Alec off. The lump grows in his throat, and he wants to cut it out for God’s sake.

He smiles sadly. “You think I don’t understand? I know better than anyone, Magnus, trust me, especially you.  _ You  _ don’t know what it’s like going through  _ my  _ life.  _ You  _ don’t know anything about me. And you can’t ask me to say those things. Because I  _ can’t.  _ And I won’t.”

Magnus studies him deeply, and Alec can see the strong and stubborn resolve fade a little. He knows, Alec thinks, he knows now. 

“Okay. Don’t tell me anything, then,” Magnus says as he moves to lay down completely on the bed next to Alec’s hips. Alec asks himself if there’ll ever be a time where Magnus won’t constantly surprise him. His answers come up with; most likely, no. He’s not surprised. 

Alec finds himself moving to lay down as well, and now the two of them were laying vertically next to each other, sort of squished on Alec’s twin bed, staring at the ceiling like it bores the answers to all their problems. 

“That’s a shame, though,” says Magnus after a minute. “I’d really hoped that this would work out.”

Alec startles. “Wh—what? What are you saying?” He sits up a little, resting on his elbow so he can see Magnus’s face, but Magnus doesn’t look back at him, just keeps his gaze steadily fixed on the ceiling.    


“I’m saying exactly what I said. It’s a shame.”

“N—no, you’re not—we can’t— _ we’re not _ —” Alec stammers.

“We’re not what?” Magnus whispers. Alec’s heart is beating so hard it feels like it’s breaking his ribs. 

“You know what,” Alec whispers right back. “This is  _ not  _ happening.”   


“What is, then? What is happening right now Alec? Do you want to still go along pretending that we’re strangers and none of these events  _ did  _ happen, that we didn’t talk and that you didn’t feel something between us? Because I know you did. That we didn’t kis—”

“Shut  _ up _ , would you just  _ shut up _ !” Alec bellows, leaping off the bed. Magnus’s eyes still don’t look at him, and Alec gets even angrier. 

“That’s it,” Magnus murmurs faintly. “Get it all out.”   


Alec trembles, his hands balling into fists. “What the hell are you doing? How do you always manage to fucking come back into my life? When are you going to understand that this isn’t some…that I’m not some fucking  _ client  _ you can goddamn  _ fix _ ?”

“You know I’m not actually a therapist—”

“When are you going to understand that maybe I don’t want you here, maybe I don’t want you in my life!”

“Your lips were saying very different things, if I correctly recall a couple days ago.”

Alec moves his fists to his hair, tugging on it wildly as he starts pacing the room. “ _ God _ , I  _ actually  _ cannot believe the nerve you have! Who the fuck said you could come into my life and  _ do  _ this shit to me?!  _ I  _ don’t deserve any more of this, I really don’t, okay?”

Magnus finally turns to look at him, looking delighted, and Alec feels even more confused.    


“Do what shit to you? What am I doing, Alec?”

Alec really doesn’t know whether he wants to punch him or kiss him senseless, and it’s a disorienting feeling.

“You know exactly what. How many times am I going to have to tell you before you leave me alone Magnus, hmm?” 

Magnus smiles, big and scary. “Why don’t you test the theory?”

Alec groans, carding his hands roughly through his hair again. Magnus’s demeanor changes again, and this time he’s looking at Alec with a sad sort of concern. That stupid pity look again.

“Why do you think I keep coming back all these times? You think I’m just here to get on your nerves?”

Alec says nothing, practically fuming. His hands have went back down to his waist now, but they’re still balled into fists. The tension in the room is nearly palpable. 

They have another staring contest, and then Alec’s rushing forward and doing the same thing Magnus did to him—hands on his cheeks and mouth on mouth and all. 

They kiss with a fierce intensity, nothing like the last one, and these different kisses unsettle Alec, like he’s going to lose control at any moment. When he pulls away they’re both red-faced and mouthed, panting like after a mile-run. 

“What—why’d you do that?” Magnus whispers, their faces still inches apart as Alec holds onto his face like it could break. 

Alec smirks, thumbing over his cheekbones. “Why does anyone do anything? Because I wanted to.”   


They laugh breathlessly into each others mouths, and Alec eases himself back in for one more sweet kiss before stepping back again and flopping onto the bed next to him.

They look at each other for a few seconds again. 

“I’m still not telling you about Jace.”   


Magnus scowls, but says “okay.” Alec grins, and then lays down on the bed again with his hands folded on his chest. Magnus lays next to him again. Alec feels happier than he has in days. He always seems like that when he’s with Magnus, doesn’t he? Even without the liquor. 

“So are we doing this, then?” Magnus asks. Alec stiffens, and Magnus notices. “Look, I’m not just going to stick around to help you figure out if you want me or not, or if this is real or not. I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you, but relationships are hard for me too, and I need an answer. We can’t just kiss every now and then and call each other friends.”

Alec swallows heavily, still keeping his mouth shut. 

“So? Can I have one?” Magnus says hopefully, throwing glass shards into Alec’s heart.

_ This is too hard,  _ he wants to say.  _ All I want to do is be with you but it’s not that  _ easy.

“I don’t know,” is all he musters, painfully slow and quiet. Slowly, as he gains, or more like forces more confidence, he admits some more. “I usually don’t do…relationships with people. One night stands,  _ maybe _ , but I’ve never actually been in one because, well…they suck. Look at my mom and dad. Look at half the couples in America. All of them end. And there’s no way  _ I _ can be the one to keep one going, because that’s just life. The thing is, I already have enough on my plate. And you don’t deserve to deal with the whole clusterfuck of problems I’ve got going on, because once this becomes something, they’re all yours to deal with too. And I don’t want that for you.” Relief pours over him as he finishes, and he realizes this is why he's been feeling so down, this is what's been holding him back. Guess he really did just need to talk.

The relief doesn't last, however.

Magnus sits up, looking angry. “Well gosh, how burdened I’d be to be another  _ thing  _ on your  _ plate.  _ So sorry, didn’t know you had such a busy life.”   


Alec jumps bolt upright too, in shock and hurt. “You know that’s not what I meant—”

“And  _ Jesus,  _ Alec, when are you going to learn that it’s not all about you? It’s not your choice for  _ me  _ to want to be with  _ you _ .  _ You  _ can’t tell me that I don’t want to be with you, because first, how am I supposed to know that if I don’t know a damn thing about you, and second,  _ that’s not for you to decide! _ ”

Alec’s so taken aback by his outburst, he doesn’t even know how to reply. Magnus’s mood swings are very close to giving him whiplash. 

Magnus sees the confusion on his face and closes his eyes tightly, sighing hard. Alec’s breath trembles.    


“Look,” he continues with his eyes still closed. “You have to understand that relationships are about working through things  _ together _ . Yes, maybe I’ll know all your ‘emotional baggage’ if we start dating, but I can  _ help  _ you with it. I want to help you with it. And I know you can get better, I know we can, together. You just have to give us a try. You can’t put this away before you don’t try it out, especially if you don’t know anything about relationships yet. I’m here to help with that, by the way. Yes, a ton end in fury and flames, but I’m, um, quite experienced. Basically I’m saying I’ve learned pretty well how to avoid that, if it makes you feel any better.”

Alec would laugh if he wasn’t so stunned by his own emotions and the butterflies in his stomach the more Magnus speaks. There are about a million thoughts running through his mind right now, which is so overwhelming Alec can barely breath, but the only one that’s clear is Magnus, just Magnus Magnus Magnus and Magnus and him in a  _ relationship.  _ Like a real life, committed relationship. Alec can’t even fathom how that would go. 

Yet he knows, deep down, he’s eager to try it out.    


However, for the time being, he’s still too shocked by everything to say anything. 

“No matter who you think you are, or what you are, if you let yourself die, you won’t have the chance to be anything anymore. You won’t have the chance to change, or become any better, because you won’t be a fucking person anymore. What you want isn’t the way to go, Alec, okay? I need you to understand.” Magnus’s voice sounds on the verge of something more, something about to break, that Alec feels unexpectedly touched. “Let me help you.  _ Please. _ ”

And because of some miracle, or because Magnus is inspirational and Alec’s got an epiphany, Alec decides in his heart that he’s going to do it. He’s going to talk about it. 

Magnus’s words from back to the first time they ever met come floating in his head, and he becomes dizzy with the feeling and meaning they give him now. 

_ Live. Live to see your future self. He has so much potential.  _

For the first time in  _ months _ , Alec actually wants to do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno about this one. Plz lmk what you think in the comments...? Or not idk man this is a lot.


	8. Chapter 8

“Jace and I have been best friends since basically the womb,” Alec whispers. Magnus suddenly sits up straight, holding in a gasp. Okay. okay, this is actually happening. 

Alec’s actually going to  _ talk  _ about this. Magnus hasn’t been this excited since he was told he was going to get a discount at H&M because his friend started working there. This was better, though. This might actually give them a  _ chance _ , give  _ Alec  _ a chance. 

“Well, not actually since the womb. My mom adopted him when we were both five, and that’s when our story all started. I mean, I was closer to him than I was to Izzy, and it was…those were the best years of my life. No one could ever tell us no, no one could ever make us fight…” Alec stops with a small chuckle at a fond memory. “In fact, my mom used to call us the two maniacs because she swore she’d never seen any other kid on the block with more energy than us. It made us feel pretty fucking special, I think.” Magnus chuckles as well.

“Middle school came faster than we could both remember it, and that’s when things became slightly worse. We were still really close, yes, but work piled up fast and we got busy with sports and other friends, so it didn’t feel the same. Especially when…”

He sees Alec swallow hard, and tries to untangle the knots building up from anticipation in his stomach. He sees Alec holding back whatever’s he’s going to say in his face, like it’s on the tip of his tongue, but just so,  _ so  _ painful for him to get out. Magnus’s heart pains for him. 

Magnus soon notices the glimmer coming off Alec’s eyes, they way that they sparkle as his lip gives a minute tremble, so small it’s like it wasn’t even there. But Magnus saw it. Magnus sees everything. 

He wants to encourage him, wants to hug him and tell him everything’s going to be okay, but he knows that’s likely to do more bad than good. Alec isn’t one of those types of people that accept comfort from others easily. Magnus’s heart throbs even more for him.

“Soon, I—I went to the doctors and…and they—,” Alec chokes and cuts himself off, hands shaking where they go to wipe away his tears harshly off his skin like he’s ashamed to have them there. Magnus is feeling some prick up himself, and he doesn’t even know what Alec’s fully talking about yet. 

“They told me…they…they—”

“Alec you don’t have to tell me. I understand if it’s too hard—”   


_ “No _ , no, please, just let me—” he cuts off when his voice breaks again, and then takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as he tries again. His lip is wobbling constantly now, and his hands are twitching by his sides like he wants to cover everything up and just  _ hide.  _ Magnus feels for him, he really does. 

“They diagnosed me with depression and anxiety.”

The silence that follows these words is more deafening than anything Magnus has ever heard, and more painful too. Tears are falling in a steady stream right off Alec’s face now, and he looks too tired and careless to even remove them this time. Magnus can’t help but think how much this  _ explains,  _ though. His jerky, shaky movements, his heavy mood, his attitude…

Just…everything.

Magnus uses all the will he has to hold back tearing up too, because he knows he needs to stay strong for Alec. They can’t both lose it. 

“Alec, that’s…”   


“Please, oh  _ please _ , don’t show your pity. Pity is the last thing I need,” says Alec, finally turning to look Magnus dead-on. Magnus nods, but Alec still looks away quickly.

“So yeah…I was… _ that  _ happened, and at first, no one knew besides my mom. I was taking meds for it every day, and every day that I had to do that and repress that huge secret, the worse I felt. It was like something was slowly clawing out my insides and there was nothing physically possible for me to do, being on the outside,” Alec explains, and Magnus's heart sinks more and more. 

“I hated it. I started hating myself for having those diseases, for having that be a part of my life. And Jace was starting to get angry with me because he knew I was hiding something, which just made me feel worse about it every day. Also, going about life was hard enough, dealing with those…those two  _ things _ .” He’s breathing harshly through his nose now, his hands trembling as he goes to wipe away tears, and he still refuses to look at Magnus. Magnus finds it the most painful that there's nothing he can even _do_ to take away Alec's pain.  _ God _ , he knows this can’t even be the worst part of the story yet, he needs to brace himself.

“I can’t believe I’m telling you this right now,” he quietly admits, his eyes shiny. He’s avoiding Magnus’s eye, and Magnus’s heart hurts for what he must be feeling, what he must be  _ going  _ through. He almost resists the urge to go hold his hand before he realizes he probably  _ can  _ now. So he does. He reaches over and scoops Alec’s hand in his, gently. Alec’s eyes widen and he stares at him, frozen, but thankfully, he doesn’t move to pull away. Alec’s hand is about a whole handful smaller than his, (pun intended), and Magnus can’t get over the feeling of how it fits in his, how damn  _ soft  _ it is. Absently, he wonders if Alec uses any sort of hand cream, or—

No. Those really aren’t thoughts he should be having at the moment. He should be thinking about Alec. Alec, who’s finally opening up. Alec Alec Alec.  _ Not  _ Alec’s hands.

“You don’t need to be ashamed of  _ anything _ ,” Magnus suddenly feels the need to assure him. He caress's his hand and Alec’s cheeks pink. “This is normal. This is okay.”

Alec scoffs. “I’m the furthest from normal. And I hate that word _okay_ , so if you could avoid using it, that’d be great.” Magnus raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t question him any further. Alec’s very fragile now, he just needs to sit back and listen. 

“Okay, so, around high school, I started getting really bad. Like, the worst of the worst black hole, and me being me of course, I felt better just ignoring Jace. He would try to hang out with me or like talk, but I was just…I was constantly in these  _ black moods,  _ and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I felt horrible, hurting him, but it was sort of true. I really just wanted to be left alone all the time.”

“So, the whole locking yourself in your room thing,” Magnus brings up. Alec nods, looking at him warily.

“Um, anyway, long story short, Jace…he—one day he was coming back from a party—which, by the way, he started going out to those after I started ignoring him, which made me feel worse—and he…he caught me doing something bad. Something really bad.”   


Magnus’s stomach further unsettles, which he didn’t think was possible, and he squeezes Alec’s hand, mostly for his own comfort from how overwhelmed he is. “What was it?” He’s almost scared of the answer. 

“It was…the same thing you caught me doing when we met.” If the room wasn’t already pin-drop silent, Magnus wouldn’t have heard him. He actually wishes he hadn’t. The lump in his throat comes  _ flying  _ back, lodging itself firmly with no intent of going away now, so he might as well just accept the fact that this is going to end in tears.

“Oh Alec,” he whispers, heart-broken. A tear slips out, and he’s so focused on Alec he doesn’t even go to wipe it. He knows there’s going to be a lot more to come. Alec’s head is still dropped down, his hair covering his face so Magnus doesn’t see it. Magnus is half-glad, because this way Alec can’t see Magnus either. 

“I was stupidly drunk Magnus, you have to understand,” he says, his voice falling apart the more and more he speaks. Magnus covers his hand over his mouth, trying to breath. “It…it was my first time doing it, I—I don’t know, I guess I was just  _ trying  _ it back then, I—the point it, I wasn’t actually going to do anything, but it totally freaked Jace out. We had a huge argument right out in the street, which ended horribly because of course, we were both drunk, and then after that…we just completely fell apart. He found out about…about those—those  _ things  _ that I had, those things that I kept from him, and it just made him angrier, just made me feel worse. I—h—he hates me now Magnus, my brother hate—hates me,” Alec starts to blubber, shaking as he drops his face into his hands. Magnus’s heart plummets and he leans in to pull Alec roughly into his arms, trying to hold back as much of his tears as he can. 

Alec’s openly sobbing into Magnus’s shirt now, his hands out of Magnus’s and instead clutched to his coat. Magnus’s eyes are shut closed tightly as he tries to hold it all in, focusing all his effort on soothing Alec, rubbing his back and trying to dull the pain for  _ him.  _

“Alec,” says Magnus, trying to ignore his voice crack. “Alec, he doesn’t hate you, you—your his brother for God’s sake—” 

That just makes Alec sob harder, and Magnus winces. He’s near hysterics now, saying parts of sentences that Magnus can only pick out words from—Jace, hate, brother.  _ Jesus _ , how long had he been bottling these emotions? Magnus clings to him tighter, ignoring all the feelings roaring through his chest as he tries to focus on comforting him. 

“Alec,  _ Alec,  _ listen to me,” he says as firmly as he can. His tongue feels heavy, and his chest is wet as Alec’s tears dampen his shirt more and more. “Alec, it’s o—it’s  _ alright _ . God, from the sound of this, it’s probably just a big misunderstanding that—that you’re both hurt from.” He stumbles over his words but is determined to continue. “I know he doesn’t hate you Alec, Jesus, from what you described, he’s probably just hurt and worried for you but doesn’t know how to express it, or doesn’t think  _ you  _ want him to express it. I think you just need to talk to him Alec.”   


Alec’s consistent wails and rambling stop for a small moment, and he sniffs hard as he comprehends Magnus’s words. 

Then he starts whimpering softly. “But—but you don’t get it Magnus, you weren’t  _ there _ —”

“No, I wasn’t,” he states. “But Alec, look at this from his point of view for a moment. You suddenly stopped talking to him, stopped hanging out with him and just started ignoring him completely, and then one day he finds you—finds you in a  _ horrible  _ place where you were both not in your right mind and also discovers you were keeping two huge parts of your life from him. He probably thought that  _ you  _ hated  _ him  _ darling, and now you two won’t even talk to each other about it. It’s—it’s not as deep as your making it, I promise,” Magnus assures as gently as possible as he keeps rubbing a hopefully soothing hand up and down his back.

Alec’s heavy sobs have calmed down into soft sniffles and occasional whimpers, and Magnus carefully lays him down on the bed, still holding him close as he pulls the covers over both of them. They’re cocooned in a sweet, comforting warmth now, which seems to greatly relax Alec, thankfully, and Magnus realizes why it’s so cold in his room in the first place. 

“God, d’you know your window’s wide open?” he says. When Alec doesn’t reply, he peels himself out of his hold for a minute to hop over to the window and close it. When he turns around again Alec’s staring at him, just his head peeked out from under the sheets. His cheeks are blotchy and red and his eyes are puffy and wet, but at least his lip isn’t trembling anymore, at least he doesn’t look like he’s on the verge of breaking. 

He stares at Magnus with this almost pleading look, and looks back between him and the window. Then he closes his eyes and sighs very deeply, turning around again so he’s lying peacefully on his side. Magnus sighs too, releasing what feels like a millennia of stress now that’s Alec calmed down, and goes in to curl up next to him. 

“I guess I probably should talk to him,” Alec says eventually. Magnus can’t hold back his grin.

“Yes,” says Magnus. “I think that would be great.”   


Then, the worst possible thing happens. Alec’s lip trembles again.    


“No, oh no Alec, sweetie, what’s wrong?” Magnus reaches up and thumbs over his cheek and then his lips, as if trying to get them to stop shaking. It doesn’t work.

“That—that’s not all,” he manages, his eyes now shut hard as he fights tears some more. Just when Magnus thought he could let go, just when he thought he would be sane and happy again, Alec decides to say this and have Magnus’s stomach drop to his toes. 

He suddenly needs this to be over as quick as possible. “What is it, Alec? It’s ok—I mean, go on, tell me what else happened. You’ll be alright.”

Alec’s hands fly up to his chest, clutching at his shirt right where his heart is, like it’s causing him unbearable pain. Magnus’s hands instinctively go up to cup Alec’s, trying to melt away whatever horrible thing he’s feeling with a soft touch.

Neither of them say anything for maybe about three minutes, and Magnus lets Alec regain his strength again, no matter how soon he wants this to be over. Once Alec finds himself able to speak again, he does, with devastating sorrow laced in his words and his eyes full of a past pain, like a bad bruise that’s sore all the time so he’s used to it. Magnus probably can’t express in words how much he dreads Alec’s next words.

“I used to have another brother.”

Alec believes there’s only a certain amount of sadness that the human brain can experience. Once it reaches its capacity, it’s all just numb, not sad, really.

Alec feels close to that numbness right about now. And the last thing that crossed Alec’s mind was that he would be talking about all this built up sadness,  _ opening up  _ about it, with a stranger. 

_ Well, isn’t that why you started talking in the first place? So you two could become…more than strangers? _

Alec tries ignoring that little voice in the back of his head.  __

His former smaller brother Max was one of the biggest casualties in Alec’s life. 

When he had died when Alec was seventeen, Alec went into what he liked to call the biggest all time low of all time. 

He didn’t let himself think about it often,  _ especially  _ didn’t  _ talk  _ about it. 

So he had no idea why in the ever loving fuck he had decided to bring him up now. 

Magnus is…he doesn’t even  _ know  _ Magnus properly, and he hasn’t even had the courage to talk about Max to his own sister. The person he’s closest with in the world. How,  _ why  _ did he mention Max. 

Alec groans and drops his face into his hands, unaware he’s doing it. Another set of hands, warm and familiar, come and cup and pet over his softly. Magnus is sweet, he really is, but Alec can’t do this. He can’t do this. 

“Alec, love, please talk to me. You—you had a younger brother? Besides Jace?”

Alec chokes on a sob then feels Magnus’s hands shake where they’re trying to comfort him. 

He sucks in a sharp breath and then nods, preparing himself to use his dried up vocal cords again. 

“I’m not—I’m sorry, I don’t know why I brought him up. I can’t do this,” he says as simply as possible, even though he’s very doubtful Magnus is going to let him off that easy. 

There’s a pregnant pause in which Alec deliberates cautiously lifting his head to weigh out the expression on Magnus’s face, but by the time he gathers enough courage to do it, Magnus starts speaking again. 

“Okay. If you’re not ready to talk about him, that’s alright with me,” Magnus says and that’s…that’s that. Alec looks up at him in half-shock half-confusion. 

“Wh—what? Are you using reverse psychology on me or are you being sarcastic?”   


Magnus downright snorts, then quickly covers his mouth at the sound. Alec snickers, which is even more hilarious, because two seconds ago he was on the verge of hysterically crying. He thinks he can only have that weird bipolar feeling with Magnus. 

“I’m not using any…whatever ‘psychology’ on you, Alec—”   


Alec’s jaw drops in more shock. “How have you never heard of reverse psychology?”   


Magnus rolls his eyes, continuing as if Alec never spoke. “And I’m not being sarcastic. I’m just trying to be supportive. I mean, you were kind of right, I am kind of pushy and nosy,” he sighs. “But, I mean I guess I’m trying to…not be that anymore? With you at least. Since you clearly don’t like it. But seriously, whenever your ready. Just promise me at some point.”   


Alec can only stare at him for the next ten seconds. Then he feels a wave of guilt. 

“Oh—no,  _ I’m  _ sorry, I was just being over-dramatic—”

“No, you weren’t,” Magnus insists. Alec feels guiltier, but decides to keep his mouth shut. “You were being completely reasonable. It’s your life, I  _ am  _ a stranger, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to with me.”   


He sort of shifts his hand from where it’s still cupped in Magnus’s so he can squeeze Magnus’s. Taking a deep breath, he says, “Magnus, I don’t want you to be. I—” he scoffs, barely believing that this is real and he’s actually saying these words to a man this gorgeous and amazing, “I want to try this.  _ Us.  _ I really do. I don’t want you to be a stranger. Talking about Max, though…I—I just can’t. I’m so sorry.”

Magnus’s face is expressionless, though it looks like he’s holding back tears. Alec’s near the same condition. 

“Alright. I’ll support you Alec.”

They do something unexpected next. Both of them, at the same time, move forward towards a warm embrace, and Alec’s never felt more relieved and mentally drained in his life. He’s sure he’s never opened up, even  _ talked  _ about himself that much in his life. And Magnus, beautiful, perfect, amazing Magnus is here to listen. He  _ wants  _ to listen. He  _ supports  _ Alec. This is happening. Magnus is in his arms. This is actually happening. 

Alec could just kiss him in happiness. 

He pulls away from the hug with the startling realization that he actually  _ can  _ kiss him. And he does, right away, because he doesn’t want to waste anymore time. He doesn’t know when all of this with Magnus is going to stop being perfect, and he’s scared of a time when it might be, so he cherishes as much of it as he can while they’re still together in each other's arms.

Magnus is safety. Magnus is comfort. Magnus is warmth. Magnus is  _ his.  _

Wait, yeah, he should probably confirm that. 

He pulls away again, and this time Magnus chases his lips, eyes still closed. Alec lets out a breathless laugh, holding up a finger to his face to keep him back so he can speak. Magnus pouts. 

“So…this is happening?  _ We  _ are happening? Us? Together? For real?” He can’t help but confirm. He’s always had that paranoia about everything. 

Magnus grins. “Yes, Alec. We are. We are.”

Alec returns the grin, and when they kiss again they can barely move their lips from their big smiles. 

Alec feels like he wants to cry all over again, but this time from joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ThX fOr aLL tHe kUdoS. Comment watchu think. Mwah.


	9. A Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is like the longest chap I've ever written 0_o it was a lot but it be like that sometimes. Have fun reading it. Title sucks and I lost brain cells making it but oh well. Better times are finally here. For a little, at least. *hehe*

Rain is dripping monotonously outside when Magnus wakes the next morning. He arches his back and stretches, groaning when he realizes he has to go to work probably soon. Why does it always rain when he has to work? 

Before he realizes he can’t stretch very far at all, being  _ wrapped in someone’s arms.  _

He almost has a legitimate heart attack (Jesus, no, he’s not that old yet), before recognizing Alec in his arms.

His boyfriend.

His heart goes pleasantly warm and his head goes fuzzy at the thought of that word. With Alec. 

But then he remembers he has to go to freaking work. Ugh. All he wishes to do is stay cuddled against Alec all day.

Alec looks perfectly blissful when sleeping. He has the perfect bed head, of course, his eyes a dreamy mess and his lips open in a circular ‘o’, his lips slack. He’s just…he looks so  _ good  _ it gives Magnus chest pains. 

It gives him even more pain to have to wake him up. They’d managed to sneak Magnus in for their strange little sleepover, because Alec claims that his mother would never let Magnus sleep over otherwise. But now he has no idea where Alec’s mother is or what she’s doing, and he needs to leave. So he needs to wake Alec. What a shame, really.

He carefully pulls out the arm that was underneath Alec’s head, (they’d slept facing each other), and starts to shake at his shoulder.    


“Alec…Alec wake up sweetie.” Alec grumbles and his eyebrows pull together but he doesn’t do anything else. So…not a morning person then. Good to know. 

“Alec please. I need to leave for work,” he chuckles. Alec shifts and moves under the covers, groaning a little, before he cracks open one eye to glare at Magnus. 

“This better be good, Bane,” he mutters and then rubs his eyes and stretches in preparation to sit up. Magnus chuckles again and helps him. Or at least tries and gets his hands batted away. 

“I have to go to work,” he says again. Alec holds his glare on him even as he sits up, and Magnus can’t deny it’s a little hot. 

“Okay…so what’s stopping you?” says Alec. 

Now it’s Mangus’s turn to glare. “Oh I see. You’re eager for me to go, are you?  _ Fine,  _ I’ll just get out of your hair,” Magnus says mostly dramatically, moving as if to leave. Alec puts a hand on his bicep, his face letting up a bit, and Magnus smirks. 

“Okay, okay. What I  _ meant  _ to say I guess is why did you wake me up to tell me that?”

Magnus shakes his head. “Doesn’t sound much better.”   


“Oh, you know what I mean,” Alec says, attempting to sound angry but it mostly comes out groggy still, and they both laugh a little.

“Okay, well I need you awake because I need to know where your mom is. You said she wouldn’t like me sleeping over? What if she’s downstairs in the kitchen right now?”   


“Oh, no, she’s not. She leaves for work early in the morning, trust me, you’re all good to go.”

Alec’s drowsy and slurring and  _ adorable  _ and Magnus bites his lip, repressing a smile. “Damn it. I kinda wish she were here and I’d never have to leave,” he whispers as he leans over and snakes a hand around Alec’s waist as he breathes into the skin of his neck. Alec lets out a small noise. 

“Y—yeah, well, I’m sure you’d find a way out. You need to go to work any—anyway,” Alec tries to argue but is quickly failing as Magnus mouths sensually at his neck. He breathes out a little harshly when Magnus sucks down on his pulse point, starting to smooth his hands up and down and up and down Alec’s sides.    


“Mmmmm,” Magnus hums against Alec’s skin. “You smell very nice.”   


“Th—thank you.” He jumps a little but then groans when Magnus starts kissing up to the point behind his ear. One of Magnus’s hands go up to clutch at the little hairs on the nape of Alec’s neck and  _ fuck _ , Magnus still has to go to work but he really can’t get himself to care that he’s being late—

“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” Alec asks a little desperately. Magnus grins at the effect he knows he’s having on Alec. He just wanted to have a bit of fun to keep that something in mind at work. Now whenever he's bored there he can just picture how gorgeous Alec looks when he's desperate and pleading and...well, still sleepy. But Sleepy Alec is still Gorgeous Alec. 

Alec’s hands are holding the front of Magnus’s shirt very tightly in two smaller-than-his hands. He likes people with small hands anyway.

Magnus sighs for dramatic effect. “I guess you’re right. I should go.” He pulls away from Alec completely, hopping off of the bed and smirking when Alec makes a small sound and his hands twitch as if wanting to reach back for Magnus. He holds his ground and doesn’t do anything though, stubbornly of course. 

“O—okay. I, um, I guess I’ll make sure my mom isn’t downstairs and walk you out. I mean, I know I said she wouldn't be, but...it doesn't hurt to check.” His voice cracks on the word 'hurt', and Magnus grins cheekily.

Magnus nods, keeping the smile high on his face. Alec looks absolutely stunning laying all spread out on his bed, his shirt rucked up a bit from restless sleeping, exposing a strip of perfect porcelain skin. And…what looks like a trace of abs?  _ God,  _ Magnus loves people with good abs. So much to play with. 

Not that people without them are not okay. Ab people as just… _ extra  _ hot.

Magnus really needs to get himself out of that state of mind. He shakes his head quickly and Alec’s eyes follow the motion as he stands and gets out of bed, confused. 

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Alec says almost accusingly. Magnus slinks over to him, putting his hands back on the small strip of skin on his hips and massaging it with his thumbs. Alec gulps visibly, and his ears turn pink.

"You haven't figured it out by now?"

Alec shakes his head. Magnus coos, going to pet over his messy hair, and says, "why don't you think about it?"

Alec nods slowly, leaning into Magnus's touch and nearly purring. 

Magnus brushes a hand up Alec’s arm. “Why don’t you stop by my place at one? That’s—when my shift ends,” says Magnus. Alec blinks at him, like he’s still not used to people showing any type of attention to him. Magnus mentally notes that he needs to change that. 

“I don’t have your address,” Alec says lamely after a beat. 

“I’ll text it to you. Sound good?” Magnus is already starting out the door, and Alec looks baffled. 

“Y—yeah, yeah sure.” He sounds nervous. “Um, hang on, lemme just—” Alec walks out in front of Magnus, motioning for him to stay behind him, and peeks around his house from the top stair for a moment before confirming back with Magnus. 

“Yeah, she’s at work right now. She doesn’t get back until later, so, your free to go.” The end of his sentence ends on a loud yawn that Alec barely bothers to cover. Magnus grins, sliding towards him and snaking his hands back around his waist. He finds that his favorite place to put them. Alec’s eyes widen a fraction but he shakily reciprocates, placing his hands lightly on Magnus’s shoulders. The pitter-patter of rain outside has died down a bit, and Magnus feels instantly better than he was feeling a handful of minutes ago when he woke up.

“You’re going right back to sleep after this, aren’t you?” Magnus teases. 

Alec shrugs. “Yep.”    


They laugh together, and it’s sweet until Alec stops and his eyes get that resigned, sad look again. Magnus’s laughter abruptly stops too.

He opens his mouth to ask Alec’s what’s wrong but before he can Alec’s pushing himself out of his arms and walking downstairs, fast. Looking after him in shock for a moment, Magnus follows.   


Some loud, obnoxious film is playing on the television downstairs from where the rest of his house is apparently already awake, and once the living room comes into view Magnus sees Jace stretched out on the couch, his head lying lazily on the arm. Magnus’s stomach does a flip when he realizes he can’t look at Jace the same without remembering he and Alec’s conversation the other night. Alec doesn’t even glance in his direction when they come down, and Jace doesn’t either. Magnus swallows heavily.

In the kitchen, Isabelle’s poking at a half of a lemon with an abnormally large knife and a concentrated expression on her face. She brightens up and drops her task when she sees them walk in, though. 

“Oh hey. Didn’t know you slept over, Magnus,” she says, looking between the two of them suggestively. Even Magnus blushes a little.

Alec scratches the back of his neck and looks down at his feet. “Uh, yeah.” The kitchen smells like burnt toast. “What are you even doing, Iz?” He changes the subject, gratefully.

Izzy indicates to the cutting board and pile of random food she has on it. An avocado, a lemon (which looks mutilated from the knife she used on it), a large bell pepper and some slices of cheddar cheese. “Just making breakfast. Want some?”

Alec makes a fake retching noise, and Magnus stifles a laugh in his arm. “Yeah, I’m good, I’ll pass on food poisoning.”

Izzy picks up the knife and points it at him threateningly, and Magnus and Alec retreat out of the room and out the front door cackling. 

“Well that was a little harsh, wasn’t it?” Magnus says once they’re outside on his driveway.    


“Oh no, Izzy’s the  _ worst  _ at cooking. You want to get out of there as soon as humanly possible whenever she’s even in the kitchen, trust me.” Magnus laughs some more, and he catches Alec giving him a small fond look as he does it. He wonders what he’s thinking. 

They stay quiet for a minute, both stalling Magnus leaving because neither of them want it, but eventually Magnus has to go.“Okay, I’m really going to be late now. I’m sorry.” The tension between them grows electric, like a strong magnet's pulling them together. Alec steps forward hesitantly, and Magnus does the same.   


Alec pulls a face. “I understand.” Magnus laughs.   


They simultaneously lean in and kiss, happy laughter still echoing in the air and keeping the mood light. It’s still drizzling a little, but Magnus is glad it’s not completely thunder storming. Weather can change fast in New York, though.   


Alec’s hands go up and bury themselves in Magnus’s hair, and Magnus pushes away the irrational want to take them away and make sure his hair isn’t messed up. It’s not like he styled it anyway, he reminds himself, he just woke up. 

Oh god. He’s going to have to go to work with un-styled hair. That’s never happened before.    


Alec pulls away from the kiss, looking up at him with wide, frightened eyes. “What’s wrong? What’d I do?”

Magnus can’t hold back a bark of laughter. He strokes a thumb over Alec’s cheek, right under his right eye, and Alec relaxes slightly. “Nothing, darling, it’s nothing you did. You’re too sweet. I’m just…worried about my hair,” he admits. 

Now it’s Alec’s turn to laugh, and he tightens his hold in Magnus’s hair. Magnus scowls when he starts mussing it up. “What, this ol’ mess? What’re you talking about? It’s already messed up anyway.”   


Magnus laughs and bats his hands away, and they both dissolve into giggles again.    


“I don’t want you to go,” Alec whines once they’re quiet again, putting his hands on the back of Magnus’s neck and burying his face into Magnus’s chest. Magnus’s heart does a small leap. He could get used to this. 

“I know angel, I know. But I have to.” He pets over Alec’s hair, mussing it up too in retaliation. They laugh again.

“Jokes on you, I don’t give a fuck about _my_ hair,” Alec says through his snickers, and they laugh harder. Magnus is really enjoying the slow, happy, morning vibes, and he really doesn’t want to fucking leave either. 

“Ugh, I wish I could stay. God, we just started dating and we’re already one of those annoying couples who’re like ‘no,  _ you  _ hang up first, no  _ you, _ ’” Magnus says, and Alec lifts his head up from Magnus’s chest abruptly with a fake scared look in his eyes. 

He clears his throat. “Yep. Not happening. Get out of here Magnus.” He motions to Magnus’s car and Magnus throws his head back and cackles again. Alec’s hiccuping in laughter too, when Magnus looks back.

“Okay, okay I’m going,” Magnus says a little breathlessly, finally going over to his car and getting in. He pats the side of his pants, making sure his phone and wallet are still safely secure before waving happily to Alec as he starts to pull out of the driveway. Alec waves back, and this time, there’s nothing but joy and laughter in his eyes, and Magnus couldn’t be happier as he heads down to work. In fact, he thinks this is the happiest he’s ever been on his way to something as depressing as work.

An hour into his shift, Magnus spots Jace,  _ Jace  _ walk in. He’s wearing the same raggedy sweatpants and tank top he’d been wearing that morning, and Magnus wonders how he isn’t cold outside like that. Is their entire family just immune to cold? It’s December for Christ’s sake. 

The strangest part, though, is Magnus sees him looking straight at him. He gulps, pretending to busy himself in getting a glass of water for no one in particular, but Jace runs up to him and grabs his arm before he can go back into the kitchen. He freezes. 

“Hello,” Jace says, and Magnus startles at his voice. It’s deep and raspy yet soft at the same time, almost like Alec’s, which is funny because he knows Jace is adopted. 

“Um, hi,” says Magnus, deciding to play dumb as a result of his panic. “Can I help you with anything sir?” He doesn’t usually say sir to people, and of course his first time doing it has to be to his  _ boyfriend’s brother _ , God, what is wrong with him?

“Yes, actually, you can. Can we talk for a bit?” 

Magnus indicates with a shaky hand to the glass he’s holding. “I’m—kind of in the middle of my shift here, if you don’t mind,” he says. Jace grins.

“I swear I don’t bite. I’m sure you can take a couple of minutes?”

_ Fuck,  _ why is he so persuasive?   


“Sure, um, yeah okay,” Magnus says finally, giving in. Jace’s grin widens, and he looks sort of terrifying. He has a shark-like grin, sharp teeth and all.

Magnus sets down the glass on the nearest counter, and Ginger gives him a weird look as he walks over to the small hallway of the restaurant where the restrooms are. He shrugs innocently at her, but inside, he’s nervous as hell to what this conversation could mean. 

Jace looks sort of nervous too as he settles in, and Magnus blanches. 

“Okay, so, are you involved with my brother?” Jace asks simply and bluntly. Magnus’s jaw drops in surprise. Is this really going to be an older brother don’t-hurt-my-sibling talk? Huh. Magnus’s has never had one of those. 

Okay, right, he’s got to answer.

“Well, not that it’s any of your business really, but yes, we are. Dating. We are dating.”   


He doesn’t miss the small smile that blooms on Jace’s face for a quick second, and wonders what it means.

“Alright. That’s—that’s good.”   


“Good?”

“Well, I’m just glad you aren’t some prostitute or something that Alec’s playing with because…um, because—well nevermind.”

Magnus sighs, big and hard, and crosses his arms on his chest. “Because he has…’issues’?” Magnus air quotes.

Jace looks at him in shock. “Wow, I uh, didn’t know he told you about those. Took him about a fucking year to tell ‘em to me.” Jace looks down at that, eyes taking on a similar sad look to the one Alec had been sporting earlier in the day, and Magnus feels sympathy for him. Jace and Alec really just need to talk. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” Magnus says before he can think. Jace looks up at him in more surprise and added in anger. 

“Wh—he  _ told  _ you about—”

“So, um, anyway,” Magnus interrupts loudly, scratching his neck awkwardly. “Was there any particular reason besides the whole prostitute thing that you wanted to talk to me?”

Jace sighs. “No. Not really.”

They stand there for a second, holding back emotions. 

“Do you…do you want to be the same as you were before?” Magnus says eventually. Jace throws his head back in annoyance. 

“Ugh, I can’t  _ believe  _ he told you—”

“Well as I said, we’re romantically involved. He’s bound to tell me things,” Magnus deadpans. “Now answer the question.”

Jace doesn’t look extremely happy being told what to do, but he also knows it’s pointless to argue. Or at least, that’s what Magnus suspects. 

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Well then talk to him. Because he thinks you hate him.”

Jace’s eyes widen. “What? How… _ what? _ ”

Magnus chuckles without any real humor behind it. “Yeah. And he wants things the way they were before, too.” Magnus pats him on the arm like they’re old buddies, and Jace continues staring at him like he’s got three heads. “So talk to him. Trust me, the both of you will benefit from it.”

With that Magnus turns around and walks back to the kitchen to resume his shift, almost running into a person heading to the bathroom. Well, that turned out much better than he’d expected. 

When he’s piling plates on his arms to bring to his tables, Ginger comes up to him. (He still doesn’t know her real name). 

“Who was that you were talking to? A crush?” She’s toying a lollipop in her mouth and Magnus thinks ridiculously that they’re two classmates gossiping at school. 

“Oh no,  _ God  _ no, that was actually my boyfriend’s brother.”

“Oh, I see,” she drawls, setting her hips against the counter. “Having that don’t-hurt-him type of talk?”

Magnus hesitates. “Well—” than he stops and thinks about what he’s going to say. “Actually yes.”

“So is he single?” Ginger doesn’t skip a beat, and Magnus almost drops a plate in surprise. 

“Uh, um, I don’t know, how would I know?” Maybe he’s being a little salty, but he’s still getting out his nerves from that entire conversation entirely. “But go for it, if you want.”

Ginger grins ear to ear. “I think I just might,” she says, and then stalks off out into the diner, probably looking for him. Magnus shakes his head, smiling. He should really learn her name. 

Well, back to that work grind. 

_ Ugh, ew, I’m never using teenager language again. _

Catarina, Magnus’s close friend from college, attacks him with squeals and hugs almost as soon as he gets out of work. Which reminds him that Thanksgiving break is over and he’d have to go back to classes soon. Damn.

“Uh, what’s the occasion, Cat?” Magnus wheezes as she squeezes the life out of him. “Can’t—breathe—”

She lets go of him finally, a shit-eating grin on her face and a small, wrapped present in her left hand that Magnus just noticed.   


“We didn’t properly celebrate your twenty-first birthday, you dingus! You didn’t even call me, for the love of Christ, this is an  _ important  _ event!” She speaks fast, as she always does, but today it’s like that on top of her being in a rush to be somewhere. Magnus is quickly getting overwhelmed. “Where were you?”   


A flood of memories with Alec comes back to him then, and he’s pretty sure he flushes. She notices, unfortunately, and eyes him strangely. “I uh, I don’t know, kinda just wanted a quiet celebration—”   


“A  _ quiet  _ celebration? Are you out of your mind?” she shrieks.

Magnus sighs, crossing his arms on his chest. The smile’s still high on her face, and honestly, he’s glad to see his best friend so happy from all the time he’s seen her stressed from classes. But this might be a little much.

“You can officially drink legally! This is your chance to  _ par-tay,  _ dude!” Cat roars, and Magnus winces as people on the street give them judgemental looks. “Time to throw that fake ID away and do crazy shit man! I’ve already called Ragnor and Rapheal and we’re heading out to your favorite pub. Now!”   


Magnus laughs. “Cat, you are unbelievable. And this makes me feel kinda old.”

Cat cackles. “No need to! Forever twenty-one, baby!” 

Wow, last time he’d seen her this hyper was  _ Ragnor’s  _ twenty-first birthday, and from how  _ that  _ went, he’s not sure if he’s going to survive tonight. He knows there’s no getting out of it, though.    


“You do realize that’s a store, right—”   


“Let’s go!  _ OH,  _ no, wait, I have your present!” Cat shoves the small, poorly wrapped gift right in Magnus’s face, and Magnus jumps and carefully takes it. Cat’s jumping up and down like a small child.

He tears it open to find a cardboard container of six shot glasses, all of which have different, tacky labels on them like  _ Party Hard, Work Later!  _ and  _ I’m Too Old For This…But Oh Well!  _

Magnus has to sort of force a smile. “Thanks, Cat, these are great.”

“Oh  _ yay _ , I  _ knew  _ you’d love them, now let’s go.” She’s then pulling on his arm like a small child asking to go to a toy shop nearby, and Magnus chuckles and complies quickly, tossing the wrapping paper in a nearby trash bin. 

Then, as they’re walking and Cat’s chattering about some new boy toy, Magnus’s phone buzzes from a text from Alec. 

_ Your address??  _ it reads simply. Magnus stops in his tracks, staring at his phone in guilty shock that he’d forgotten about the fact that they were supposed to hang out after he got off work. Fuck. 

Cat notices his momentary halt and stops her bickering and walking to stare nosily at his phone. Shit, he wishes she weren’t so observant. Not that it’s her fault, he has to remind himself. 

Another problem was, he hadn’t exactly gotten around to telling her about Alec. The two of them had scarcely spoken over Thanksgiving break given the fact that they really only spoke during class (and birthdays apparently), and before Thanksgiving he and Alec hadn’t been really together so he hadn’t felt the need to mention him. But no, oh boy, she's going to kill him, isn't she?   


“What’s that? What’re you doing? Who’s Alec?” Cat quips. Magnus purses his lips and awkwardly moves his phone away from her view, trying to hint that it’s a private conversation. She follows the movement and keeps her eyes on it though, of course. 

“Well, Alec’s sort of my boyfriend,” Magnus blurts quickly. She gasps loudly, and a few pedestrians walking by jump. He shoots them apologetic looks.

“ _ What? _ ” she screeches, and more people jump as he winces. “How could you not tell me you had a  _ boyfriend? _ ”   


“Well, it’s still pretty new and we haven’t spoken that much recently so I didn’t really know how to bring it up.”

Magnus instantly regrets what he said at her hurt expression.    


“Cat, I’m sorry, Alec and I…I mean, he’s just sensitive, I don’t even know if he’d want me telling you this. Not because of you, uh, just because he’s, you know…sensitive?” He knows he sounds like an idiot as he hastily backs up his point and Cat’s starting to look at him like one. 

“Alright,” she says slowly, which is scary. “Well what’re you talking about now?” She makes a move to look at his phone again, and he jerks away, his instant reaction. 

“Uh,” he says quickly. “I—I forget I was supposed to meet up with him after work today. So…I’m sorry, maybe I can take a rain check?” he tries. Cat doesn’t look like she’s into it. “It’s just, I mean, I planned this with him earlier, and you sort of, um, popped this whole party thing up on me now, you  _ have  _ to understand—”   


“No, no I do,” she says, and Magnus could melt in relief. “But just  _ ugh,  _ I was really looking forward to this and I even invited the guys and everything…” She trails off, scratching the back of her neck and sighing. There’s no smile on her face anymore, or even in her eyes, and Jesus, why do these situations have to happen to him? Why do decisions have to be so hard? He hates cancelling plans. With anyone. 

“Hey!” Cat says, perking up. Magnus nearly drops his shot glasses. “Maybe he could come with us!”

Magnus perks up. Well that’s an idea. 

“Um, well, sure, but I’ll have to ask him,” Magnus says tentatively. He isn’t sure how he feels about his new boyfriend meeting his psycho friend group yet. Catarina is enough to handle on her own. 

But he texts and asks. 

Alec is nowhere near prepared for his little hangout thing with Magnus. He doesn’t know what to wear, he doesn’t know if this technically entitles as a date or not, he doesn’t know if that should make him any more nervous or mean anything, and of course all he can think about is everything that could go wrong.

So basically, he’s freaking out. Just a little. 

He tries doing those breathing exercises Izzy taught him, tries to focus on just that and being calm, but it’s hard,  _ fuck,  _ it’s too damn hard. Alec doesn’t want to anymore. He just wants to give up and give in. 

Cause Izzy isn’t  _ here  _ now, is she? There’s no one here to save him or tell him what to do or what to feel and Alec can’t— _ he can’t take it.  _

He was in his closet, deconstructing it to try and find a good outfit, literally anything anywhere  _ near  _ acceptable because Magnus is probably going to show up looking like a Greek God and if this is a date then he can’t be  _ not  _ prepared…but now all of a sudden he’s on the floor and there’s black spots in his vision and he can’t  _ breath  _ hecan’tbreathhecan’tbreathhecan’tbreath.

He wonders vaguely if he should call someone for help, because he knows too well what these symptoms are but is currently too worked up to calm himself down with them.

Also he doesn’t know where his phone is at  _ all,  _ and is way too bothered to go and look for it. 

Well,  _ bothered  _ isn’t exactly the most accurate word, per say. 

He feels like he’s going crazy, like there’s something literally going wrong with his mind and he’s sure his heart rate is going a mile a minute because he just can’t stop thinking about  _ Magnus, date, good clothes, everything that could go wrong…which is a lot.  _

Alec’s wrapped himself up in a ball now on the floor, and he’s starting to sweat. Frantically, he stumbles over to his window on his knees and hands and shoves it up the best he can from the floor. Thankfully, there’s a neat, cool breeze flowing by, and it cools his burning flesh. 

Not his mind though. Nope. He’s still freaking the fuck out.

Faintly, he hears his phone buzz. He jerks at the noise, backing away from the window and trying to tell where he heard it from.

_ Distractions. That’s a good thing. Distract yourself. _

Alec’s now keen on doing that, therefore he starts barreling around his room, throwing clothes that he took out of his closet in the air to try and find his phone. 

He finds it on his desk drawer the whole time a couple minutes later. 

Panting, he grabs it and almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Magnus’s contact name. Suddenly, everything that could possibly be a bad reason that Magnus could be texting him pops into his head like a head rush, and he feels stupidly scared and helpless and slightly nauseous. But that slight distraction cleared his mind a fraction, so he carries on to clear his foggy vision and properly take a look at the words on his phone. 

_ Unfortunate change of plans…my friends decided to throw me a surprise birthday party…but you’re totally welcome to come if you’re okay with that. If not, it’s fine, we can just take a rain check.  _

Alec can’t tell whether the weight on his chest lifts or becomes heavier. As he re-reads the text over and over, he feels a little better because he can almost hear Magnus’s soothing voice with his almost-accent that Alec finds more than adorable. Not that he’d  _ ever  _ admit it. 

But at the same time, if a date felt formal and big, meeting Magnus’s  _ friends  _ was another story. He would make a complete fool of himself, and Magnus would surely see this and think differently of him this time. Of this he was almost totally sure. So…he feels calmer yet more uneasy from the text. 

On a brighter side, his room’s starting to come back into focus, focus meaning normal vision without any swaying or blurriness. He could see his boring, blank walls, his empty desk and un-made bed, which he suddenly had a strong urge to lie in and go to sleep. It sort of felt like putting on eye glasses.

Alec has no idea how that text from Magnus cleared the freak-out out from his brain, but he keeps it in mind, because no one else has ever been able to calm him down from a panic attack with a text. Even with a lot of them, in fact.

In the next moment, he realizes he actually has to answer. 

A strong, December wind gusts by outside, coming straight in from the window he remembers hurriedly opening. He shivers and crawls into his bed, feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion and more nauseous come in waves over him. Yes, he thinks it’s best to take a nap.

With great sorrow and a heavy guilt in his chest, Alec informs Magnus that he would rather take a rain check and go another day because he’s actually feeling tired anyway. Magnus asks if he’s taken his meds, but he ignores this one, tossing his phone on his thankfully carpeted floor and rolling over in bed to find a good spot to sleep.

It’s going to be a long rest of the day, he thinks fifteen minutes later as he continues trying to find sleep and continuing failing, especially when all he can think about is how Magnus is the only person he knows that can calm him down so easily. Which, in fact, makes him more nervous because he has no idea how or why Magnus does that to him. 

He sighs deeply as he throws the covers up to his shoulders. Magnus does a number of things to him. 

Magnus’s heart drops when he reads Alec’s text reply. Well, he gave it a shot. It’s Alec’s decision, he reminds himself glumly.

“So,” Cat says, inspecting her nails. It’s starting to get late in the day. “Is lover boy coming?”

Magnus scrunches up his nose. “‘Lover boy?’ Where did you come up with that?”

“Well you two are dating, right?” she asks. Magnus nods warily. “Okay, so he’s your lover boy,” she says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Magnus’s face must clearly portray that he doesn’t get it, so she rolls her eyes and asks like a normal person.

“Is he coming or not? Does Ragnor need to save an extra seat at the bar?”

Oh, right. “No, unfortunately he won’t be coming. And the bar? Wow, your really treating me for my birthday,” Magnus says sarcastically. Cat grins, taking his hand and starting to pull him in the direction of the pub. 

“C’mon, babe, I know you love that bar. You know the one.”

Okay, she’s not wrong. 

Five minutes into Magnus’s ‘party’ with his friends, Magnus is already bored. He’s in the middle of pretending to listen to the same, rehearsed story Ragnor tells basically every time they see each other, the one where he’s drunk and ends up in a fountain somewhere in Rhode Island. There’s always a few tweaks, something that he changes to make the story sound different from the last time he told it, but Magnus can read his close friend like an open book. It’s pretty easy to know he’s faking it to make his life sound more interesting. 

Cat and Raphael still listen attentively, like they haven’t heard him explain it a million times, and Magnus knows they’re just trying to be nice, as always. Magnus tries, but he’s probably not showing it very well; he’s distracted. A conversation between two middle-aged women with big, bleached hair to the right of him at the bar about how they’re finally single again is honestly more interesting to him. Though, he hears in the back of both their voices that they really aren’t as excited as they say they are to be single, and Magnus feels for them. 

“Magnus? Hello?” Cat is waving a hand in front of his face. 

“What?” Magnus says, slightly dazed. Cat snorts.

“Are you gonna order your drink?” she says matter-of-factly. “Or should I?”

Magnus blushes just a little when he sees the waiter waiting a little impatiently. “Oh, uh, sorry, I’ll have a vodka soda with a lime, please,” says Magnus. 

“Of course,” Raphael drawls, dead-eyeing him from his seat. Magnus throws him a pretend glare, and they both laugh a little after. Well, Rapheal mostly lets out a little scoff. He’s not much of a laughing person.

Ragnor continues his boring story and Magnus continues listening to the two women talk about their lives, wishing for Alec to be with him more than anything.

Maybe he can make up an excuse and go surprise Alec at his house. Maybe,  _ maybe  _ that would be a little mean of him, but to be fair, Cat just popped this damn party on him out of nowhere, he already had plans. So this can be saved for another time, he decides in his head. Once his vodka soda comes, he’ll probably down it all in a second for the confidence to see Alec and then say he feels sick and go. Hopefully Cat will  _ let  _ him leave. 

“...and I ended up in a fountain pool thingey in Rhode Island!” Ragnor finishes dramatically, and Cat and Raphael fake cheer and whoop while Magnus rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to wait for his vodka soda to leave. Plus, random people are starting to come in the bar and sit a little too close to him and his friends, and he starts growing a dumb paranoia. 

He wants to see his boyfriend. 

Toying idly with the various rings on his fingers, he waits as patiently as he can for his drink to arrive, shooting fake smiles at his friends every few times they glance at him. A part of him feels guilty for wanting to ditch them so bad, but at the same time, his need to see Alec overcomes that just by a little. He doesn’t know what it is, really doesn’t know why he’s already so drawn to Alec, wanting to see him all the time but he’s useless against the urge. All he can think about is how Alec smelt when they were lying in bed together that very morning, like vanilla and warm laundry, the perfect sky-blue color of his eyes, his  _ fit,  _ amazing body…

Yeah, Magnus is definitely starting to sound creepy. 

Then, the best thing happens. That same annoyed waiter comes and brings him his vodka soda. Without the lime. Magnus sighs heavily, thinking jokingly in his head that if this _was_ his birthday he party at the very least he deserves to have a lime in his drink like he asked, but accepts it anyway, Alec in mind of course. 

He takes it from the waiters hand before it even hits the counter top and immediately starts throwing it back. He can feel his friend’s judgmental stares on him. 

“Jeez, trying to get drunk early, Magnus?” Ragnor asks.    


Magnus shrugs as he continues gulping, and finally puts it down when he’s halfway through it, smacking his lips noisily as he scrunches up his face like he just ate a lemon. Well, to be fair, vodka soda is more sour than lemons, so he deserves to do that. 

Cat’s looking at him with wide eyes and Rapheal…well Rapheal’s looking how he always does. Unamused and uninterested. 

“What?” he says, and discovers his voice is a little rough. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

Cat shakes her head in disbelief. “Magnus, you’re the only person I know who can just down half a drink with straight  _ vodka  _ in it like that. Honestly, congratulations,” she says, and starts clapping. Ragnor joins in, and Rapheal eyes the two of them wearily. Magnus can’t help barking out a little laugh at how stupid his friends look. 

More random conversation passes between them, and soon the middle-aged women sitting behind him get up and leave, mumbling about how it’s getting late and they have business to attend to tomorrow when even Magnus knows they just want to go home and eat ice cream alone. 

By seven o’clock, Magnus has hastily finished his entire drink and is feeling properly tipsy and ready to see Alec. He’s planned the excuse over and over in his head, trying to get past the fuzzy feeling from the alcohol.

“Okay, guys,” says Magnus, barely a second after setting down his finished drink. “I’m regretful to inform you that I am not— _ hic! _ —feeling very well at the moment.”

Rapheal, who hasn’t had a sip of any sort of poison all night, raises his eyebrows at him. “That was an interesting way to word it, but what would you like us to do about it?”

Magnus musters up the meanest glare he can, but it clearly doesn’t seem to work very well because Rapheal just continues giving him that look. He sighs. 

“Well, nothing, I mean I think I’m going to head home.”   


“Wh _ aaaa _ t? This early? C’mon, Magnus, you aren’t that old yet, enjoy a late night party!” Cat says enthusiastically, pulling at his arm. 

“Thanks, Catarina, that makes me feel great,” Magnus says sarcastically. Cat winces but shrugs.    


Ragnor pats him heavily on the back. “Well dude, just like when you were coming out, I support you fully. You do you, man, you do you!” Ragnor nearly shouts, drawing a few looks in their direction. 

“How much have you had to drink?” Magnus wonders.

Before Ragnor can think of an answer, though, Cat speaks again. “You can’t leave, Magnus! You can’t leave us with what was supposed to be  _ your  _ twenty-first birthday party, you—you just can’t!” Cat whines. However, Magnus knows she tends to be a tad over-dramatic sometimes, especially with alcohol involved, so he’s not too worried about her. She always gets over it. 

“Look, unless you want this birthday party ending horribly with the employees having to clean up a bunch of vomit off the floor, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to take a rain check. We can do again some other time, okay?” He’s standing up before she can reply.

She sighs loudly, crossing her arms. “Okay,” she says, pouting. Magnus sends her an apologetic look, waves goodbye to the rest of his friends as they wish for him to get better, and tries to hold himself back from absolutely running to his car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I'm sort of becoming in love with one direction...uHm idk if anyone like likes them bUt if you do and want fanfics well let me know because I'm here to write them. Idk. I have mixed feelings ab 1D fanfic.   
> But anyway comment lovelies mwah goodbye.


	10. Eyes and Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waah, this is a long one. And it's quite intense. Small disclaimer because there are some sensitive issues talked about here. Happy reading o_0.

Alec spends about thirty minutes feeling lonely and embarrassed and depressed when he notices that someone’s throwing damn pebbles at his window. He hopes what's happening isn't what he thinks is happening, and he believes it even less when he sees Magnus waving up at him from the ground.

The tendons holding his jaw up  _ may  _ have stopped working, because for fuck’s sake this is damn magic. Magnus must be from Harry Potter or something because all he wanted, all he was thinking about was being with Magnus, and suddenly, like magic, now he’s here. Just throwing pebbles at his window. He really must be some damn warlock. 

“ _ Magnus _ ,” Alec hisses, hiding how pleased he is. “It’s  _ late! _ ” He jerks open his window screen and Magnus drops the pebbles he was holding.

Magnus grins, the streetlights from the nearby street casting freaky shadows on his face. One of the things Alec hates about November is how quickly it gets dark; the sun’s set already.

“So what?” says Magnus, and Alec really can’t help but notice how lit up his eyes are, how jittery and excited he seems. He doesn’t even hold back his blush because he knows Magnus can’t even see it in the dark. 

“Well—what—where are your friends? I thought you were with them?”   


Magnus shrugs, though he looks sort of guilty. “I may have abandoned them. To be with you,” he says sheepishly. 

Alec gives him a reprimanding look, but on the inside his stomach’s doing gymnastics.

“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?” Magnus says, putting his hands on his hips. 

Alec winces, remembering his mom’s dumb rule about sleepovers on weekdays. “I—okay okay, but—but quick because my mom’s gonna be home any minute.”   


Magnus nods and then races to the front door. Alec resists squealing and tries making his hair look as acceptable as possible before jumping downstairs two steps at a time. Izzy’s in the kitchen combining hot Cheetos with sour cream, of course, and she looks at him strangely through a mouthful of that disgusting stuff.

“What are you doing?” she asks, following him suspiciously to the front door. Alec spins around, a large smile surely on his face, and puts a hand up in her way to stop her from coming any closer.    


He keeps the smile high on his face as he says, with dead seriousness, “you will not come in my room, you will not disturb me, you will leave Magnus and I  _ completely  _ alone. Do you understand?”

Izzy’s so surprised she stops chewing. “Um, okay?”

Alec whizzes back around and throws open the door, trying to hold back his excitement and not make a complete fool out of himself. His boyfriend wants to spend the night with him. His boyfriend’s  _ going  _ to spend the night with him. His boyfriend wants to hang out with him more than with his friends.    


_ Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend—holy shit I can’t believe he’s my  _ boyfriend.

“Hi,” Alec says shyly when they lock eyes. “I, um—hi.”

Magnus’s entire face is glowing and he promptly scoops Alec up into his arms and twirls him in the air like they’re in some stupid romance movie. Alec  _ loves  _ living out a stupid romance movie with Magnus. 

His  _ boyfriend. _

“Hi right back to you,” Magnus says, still holding him up high in the air. Alec giggles and winds his hands in Magnus’s hair, ignoring Magnus’s protests on how he’s going to ruin it. 

Then he sees light hit the driveway in front of him through the open front door, and grow. It’s headlights. His mom is home. 

“Shit shit  _ shit _ —okay—um, Magnus c’mon c’mon c’mon, upstairs, go upstairs  _ quick _ , Izzy—distract mom for a second, I need to hide Magnus.” He’s already towing Magnus upstairs before he even finishes his sentence, slamming the front door quickly before he does. In the corner of his eye, he sees Izzy nod as she lazily stuffs more Cheetos in her mouth.  __

They’re both giggling and being utterly manic by the time Alec rushes into his room and shut and locks the door. Alec can barely see he’s laughing so hard, and Magnus is bent over slightly and clutching his stomach. He has absolutely no idea what’s so funny but is also halfway aware their his hyperness is probably the cause. 

Then he hears voices downstairs, slowing getting louder, and starts to motion for Magnus to get under his bed as quick and quietly as possible. He holds back a random snort and assists Magnus shove his long legs under, then hops right on top of it and tries to wipe the laughter and craziness off his face before his mom comes to check on him. He hopes he does a good enough job. 

Magnus has to hold his breath not to laugh under the bed and totally give away his location, because he can hear Alec shifting and pretending to be doing something above him and it’s getting harder and harder to hold everything in. 

The door bursts open a little aggressively, and Magnus sees two, black high-heeled feet stalk it. 

“Hello, Alec,” what Magnus is assuming Alec’s mother says, promptly. “What’re you doing?”

“Just reading my book,” he hears Alec say. 

“Shakespeare? Again? Really?” Magnus has to pinch his nose not to snort.

“Shut  _ up,  _ you know I love Shakespeare.”

He and his mom laugh lightly. “Oh, I know.”   


Silence follows, and Magnus wonders if they’re communicating without words. Eventually, his mom goes, “alright, I’ll see you for dinner? Just wanted to check in.” The tell-tale  _ clink clink clink  _ of high-heels resonates through the room and Magnus can finally  _ breathe  _ again once he sees the door close from his tiny window of sight. 

He shimmies out from under the bed carefully, letting out all those giggles he was keeping in before, and Alec reaches down from where he’s on the bed and starts tickling his sides, making him giggle more.

“No—don’t— _ stop that! _ ” Magnus laughs, becoming weak and giving up as he leaves half of his body still hidden under the bed. 

Alec jumps onto the floor beside him and starts tickling in earnest, and Magnus is pretty sure he lets out a squawk. “Sto— _ I swear to _ —God, Alec!”

Quickly, Magnus finds a way out of the situation, however. He stares Alec straight into his eyes, trying as hard as he can to keep the stare, and then leans forward and kisses him in the most…distracting way that he can manage through tears of laughter. Thankfully, Alec falls for it pretty fast and melts into the kiss, his hands slowly moving from Magnus’s sides up to his hair as he makes a small noise in the back of his throat. Magnus is starting to get a little distracted too until he remembers the initial point of doing what he’s doing. Tickling Alec, of course.

The minute his hands meet Alec’s ribs and they start to dig in, Alec squeaks and pulls away, cackling like some loud animal choking. Magnus uses all of his strength to pull his legs out from under the bed and then flips them around. Now he’s finally in control.

After a nice scene of tackles and kissing and tickling and rolling around, they pull apart and lay panting next to each other on the ground. Magnus feels like someone ripped his heart out of his chest and replaced it with a metal one that beats much faster than it’s supposed to. He can’t stop imagining and memorizing how cute Alec is when he laughs, when he makes those sweet little hiccups even though he has a deep voice. It feels so good, like he’s dating his celebrity crush. His dream crush.

“Alec, you’re my celebrity crush,” Magnus says dreamily, reaching out and taking Alec’s hand.

He doesn’t have to look at Alec to know how much he’s blushing. He smirks to himself. 

“That’s—um—wow. No one’s ever told me that,” Alec adds the last part sort of quietly, like he was going to be loud but then remembered what he was saying. “What does that even mean?” he laughs a little.

Magnus turns to him. “It means that being with feels like…it just feels like a dream. You’re amazing.”   


Confirming his suspicions, Alec’s face is beet red. “Could say the same about you.”

Magnus coos, then finally pulls himself up and takes Alec with him by the hand so they can hop on the bed. He pulls Alec onto his chest once they’re settled, making sure his head is on Magnus’s chest. Alec shivers a little, and Magnus rips a blanket out from underneath them to cover their bodies.    


They don’t talk for a little bit after that, and Magnus is happy that they’ve settled into comfortable silence without alcohol. Alec's breathing steadily on his chest, just staring out into space somewhere and Magnus has taken out his phone.

He’s just scrolling mindlessly through social media on his phone when suddenly, he gets an idea.

“Alec, wanna swap life stories?”

Alec chuckles, and the noise vibrates on Magnus’s chest through his shirt. He can feel Alec’s plush little lips pressed on his pec, can feel the warmth of every exhale from him. 

“I thought I already told you mine,” he says. 

“No, no, not all that sad stuff. I mean just like…everything. Childhood stories, funny, embarrassing moments, school and all that.”

There’s a pause. “Okay.” Magnus silently whoops. “But I’m not guaranteeing an answer to every question.”   


“Alright, deal.” Magnus thinks he’ll get them out of him anyway.

Alec sighs, and Magnus wishes he could see his face. “Okay, ask away.”

“Hmm, what’s your Instagram?”

Alec shrugs. “Don’t got one.”

Magnus gapes. “What? How can you…what?”

Alec’s shoulders shake a little in mirth. “I don’t know. I don’t like social media. Makes me insecure,” he admits.

“How?”

“Well, you know, you see all those photos of all those pretty-than-you people everywhere, or all those celebrities that make you become even more sad because you know you’re never going to meet them…and I just don’t see the point. Especially if it makes me self-conscious. Plus, what would I even post? My life’s hella boring.”   


Magnus is a little speechless for a second.

“Huh, I finally got you to stop talking,” Alec says in wonder. Magnus wacks him on the arm.    


“I guess that’s a good enough explanation. But wow, no social media? I couldn’t imagine my life without it.”

Alec twists his head back to get a good look at Magnus, and he’s smiling. “What’s so interesting about  _ your  _ life, then? Come on, let me see your Instagram.” Alec gropes for his phone, and Magnus laughs and complies, unlocking it and handing it to him. 

“Mm, yes, yes, interesting,” Alec says in a fake game-show-host type like voice. “Got a picture of your dinner, some turkey for Thanksgiving, ah, a pic with the friends, very nice very nice.”

“Oh shut up, I’m not gonna let you look at them if you make fun of me,” Magnus complains, only half-joking. Alec laughs again, but continues scrolling without commenting. 

“Woah, six hundred posts? How old is this account?” Alec asks as he starts to speed scroll through them all and a whiz of colors and photos pass on Magnus’s phone screen. 

Magnus’s turn to blush has come up. “Um, I don’t know like—a couple years? I’ve had a bunch of different accounts.”

Alec snorts. “Still a lot of pictures.” He scrolls down to the very last one, which is a picture of him riding a horse. There’s no caption and there’s a heavy filter on it. Magnus remembers that day. He really wasn’t very tasteful back then.    


He knows Alec is about to say something, probably make fun of him, so he snatches him phone out of his hands. “Okay, I think that’s enough of that. I thought we were talking about  _ you _ ,” says Magnus. 

“Okay, fine,” Alec says dramatically, accepting his fate. Good. 

“So what school do you go to? Or—which one are you studying at?"

Alec refuses to look at him for a few seconds before letting out a loud breath. “Okay, alright, I dropped out.” Magnus tries to hold back a gasp. 

“It’s not that big a deal,” Alec snaps when Magnus still doesn’t say anything. “I still took my SAT’s and all, just…early. I just hated high school. It was the worst, I needed to get out of there.”

Magnus is starting to stroke up his arm in what’s hopefully a soothing manner.

“So you aren’t going to college?”

Alec shrugs again. “Yeah, don’t really want to. Yes,  _ maybe  _ I’ll be living with my mom forever, but who really cares, honestly." Magnus frowns and cards a hand through his fringe.

“Well, college is fun. I think you should consider it one day. It’ll be really good for you.”

Magnus feels Alec’s pretty little lips scrunch up from his chest. “You sound like my mother.”

Magnus laughs. “Sorry, sorry, but maybe she’s right. Maybe we’re right.”

Alec groans and covers his face in his hands. “I don’t want to think of you being like my mother, please,  _ please  _ stop it,” Alec says, but he’s chuckling in his hands. Magnus feels strangely guilty then, so he takes Alec’s chin and forces it up towards his face. He brings their lips together in a short but sweet and meaningful kiss, and when they pull apart, he’s grinning. 

“Hope that helps,” he whispers.    


“I think it did,” says Alec. Magnus chuckles.    


“Good.” He changes his voice back to normal volume. “Okay, well now back to you. What was your childhood like? Any obsessions, any funny crushes, with a boy…or girl?”

Alec snorts. “You know I’m gay.”

“Well yeah, but we all experimented. I was just wondering if you ever did that when  _ you  _ were…figuring yourself out.”   


Alec shakes his head a little vigorously. “Absolutely not. Girls disgust me.”   


“You have a sister,” Magnus reminds him. 

“Oh, let me make this more clear. The thought of  _ dating  _ girls disgust me. Girls are completely fine in general, otherwise. Of course I love my sister.”

Magnus smiles happily. He’s so cute. He’s  _ so  _ cute.

“I see, I see. I don’t know. I guess I sort of feel the same. When I was in high school, I thought I was bi, but I think things have changed. Well, doesn’t matter anyway now, because I’m with you.” Magnus realizes how forward that sounded about two seconds after it came out of his mouth, and he takes a deep breath and changes the subject quick. 

“Um, so what about you? I mean—how’d you date in high school?” Magnus cringes at how stupid he sounds, but Alec doesn’t seem to notice. 

“Well…it’s complicated.”   


Magnus frowns. “What do you mean?”

Alec seems to debate saying something, then makes a frustrated sound, and Magnus hugs him a little closer and tighter in hopes it'll tell him that it's alright. “I just—okay, don’t judge me, but I never had any,” he says quickly.

Magnus’s jaw drops, and his hand stops moving in Alec’s hair. An unsettling silence grows between them again. 

“You’re judging me,” Alec states, albeit nervously.

“N—no,” Magnus chokes out, his mouth suddenly dry at all the things he could teach Alec, all the  _ firsts  _ they could have  _ together _ —

He’s getting off track.    


“No, I swear I’m not. I’m just…really surprised, is all.”

Alec doesn’t say anything. Magnus hurriedly backs up his point.

“It’s just—I mean—I can’t see how someone as good looking as you didn’t get anyone in high school.” Alec still doesn’t speak for a second, but Magnus can see the back of his neck go red. 

Eventually, he says, “really? I…I’ve never thought of myself that way,” he admits in a small voice. “I don’t think I’m very flattering. I mean, backing up my point, I didn’t get anyone in high school. So I don’t…I don’t know. I just don’t think of myself like that.” He sounds so  _ shy  _ and vulnerable that Magnus gets a heartache, and it reminds him of the time he was talking about his mental illnesses to Magnus. Magnus’s chest couldn’t feel warmer. He starts the gentle carding through his hair again. 

“Aw, sweetie,” he says. “I honestly find that hard to believe. You’re a catch.”

Alec scoffs out a little laugh, and Magnus digs his fingers briefly into his scalp.

“Seriously. Like when I first got, like, a proper look at you, I wasn’t even sure if you were real.”

He sees the back of Alec’s neck turn even redder, and he grins to himself. Hopefully that gave Alec some sense of perspective.

“Okay, okay, says  _ you,  _ Mr. Extravagant,” Alec jokes, hitting him lightly on the arm. Magnus laughs loudly. 

“Just because I wear lavish outfits darling doesn’t mean I’m all  _ extravagant _ . You haven’t even seen me in sweats with no makeup or hair gel.”

“Ooh, what a mental image,” Alec says and sighs dramatically pleasant. Magnus laughs again, and Alec joins. 

Once they’ve both sobered, Magnus can’t help but confirm. “So really? No one at all? You haven’t…um, you haven’t done anything with anyone? You know, like, sex wise?”

Alec gasps in outrage and tries burying his face further into Magnus’s chest in embarrassment with no avail.

“ _ Magnus! _ ” he whisper-yells. “Why would you—I can’t believe—” he stammers, flustered. 

“What?” Magnus insists. “What’s wrong with sex? Sex rules.”   


Alec turns back to glare at him, a small smile toying on his features that Magnus is sure he’s not aware he’s wearing. “You’re obscene, you know that? And  _ no _ , to answer your question, I wouldn’t know if sex rules or not because…well, I don’t like using this word, but  _ yes,  _ I’m a virgin. And I will punch you if you judge me for it.”

Magnus chuckles, raising his hands in surrender. “Relax, relax, there are very few things I would judge you for.”

Alec’s eyes narrow. “Give me a for instance. On something you might judge me for.”   


Magnus’s eyes roll back slightly as he wracks his brain for a quick answer. “Oh, well, I don’t know…for example, smoking or vaping might be a deal-breaker. I’m totally against those. It’s so annoying how many teenagers are ruining their lives with them nowadays.”

Alec’s eyes turn sad, and Magnus feels guilt for being the reason they turned like that. 

“Yeah, I know,” he replies quietly, and turns his head back down to Magnus’s chest. Magnus sighs, trying to comfort him again through the hand in his hair like it’ll hold him back from the weight of the world. “But no need to worry, I don’t do that type of stuff.”   


“Just getting drunk underage,” Magnus reprimands slightly.   


Alec laughs a little, and the mood lightens. “Oh please, like you didn’t do it too. We did it together before you turned twenty-one, so don’t even try.”

Magnus isn’t going to argue with that one.   


“Okay, so…” says Magnus, brewing up another question. This is a fun game. “Shall we do the basics? Favorite color?”

“Black,” Alec answers immediately. “It’s such a simple and calming color. And it goes with everything. And it has no emotion. I just love black.”

Magnus’s eyebrows raise to his forehead, but like he said, he wasn’t going to judge. 

“What’s yours?” Alec asks, and from there, they set off into a sweet conversation about, well, all of the basics. Favorite sport, TV show, music, food, etc. Magnus knows it’s getting real late when his eyes start drooping and he struggles to keep them open, while Alec’s looking around the same. 

He chuckles. “Alright, what’d you say we get some sleep?”   


Alec shakes his head furiously and then blinks his eyes open wide. “No, no, not yet. Wanna talk to you more,” Alec mumbles, but his eyes are already drooping again. Magnus laughs softly, untangling his legs and body from Alec’s so they can both lay comfortably on their sides. When he turns over and faces Alec, he’s met with a pair of bright, wide eyes.    


“I’m serious,” he says. Magnus strokes his cheek.

“Whatever you say,” Magnus replies. 

“Good,” Alec says, and Magnus snorts. “Now, what else do you wanna talk about?”

Magnus sniffs and tries thinking of something, pushing away sleep. “I—oh, I don’t know. Have you…when was your first kiss?”

Alec shifts a little uncomfortably. “If I’ve never had a boyfriend, how’d you expect I have a first kiss?”

“Oh. Wow. So—I mean—does that mean  _ I  _ was—”

“Shut up,” Alec says, his shoulders rising up till their framing his face defensively. Magnus tries showing him a soft expression, but Alec doesn’t cease to be humiliated.

“No, that’s—there’s really no reason to be embarrassed,” says Magnus, his mouth suddenly dry. 

“I’m not embarrassed,” Alec backs himself up fast. Magnus sighs deeply and scooches closer to him so he can fit his hands around his waist. Alec makes a small noise, high-pitched and cut off, and finally lets his shoulders down. He balls up the front of Magnus’s shirt in his fists. 

“Good,” Magnus whispers. “Because I find it quite flattering that I got to be your first kiss. God, you have no idea how much I could show you.” His voice is an octave lower, his hands tightening possessively around Alec’s waist. Well, he hadn’t really meant for that last part to come out, but what happens happens. Alec seems to be enjoying himself, however; his eyes are a little dark and he’s staring at him with such an intensity Magnus is finding it hard to breath. His hands are clutching to Magnus’s shirt like he might fall off the bed if he lets go, even though he won't.

“Yeah?” Alec presses, a small smile on his face. He keeps looking between Magnus’s eyes and lips and eyes and lips and eyes and lips…he licks his own lips. “Like what? Show me.”

Magnus grins, delighted. “Oh darling, if I did that we’d be up all night and probably unable to walk in the morning.”

Alec chokes a little on air at that, and Magnus can’t help but burst out laughing. 

“What a line,” Alec says through a wheezed breath, and Magnus cackles. 

“I couldn’t help it,” Magnus says. “But to be fair, it’s true.” Magnus thought Alec’s face couldn’t possibly turn any redder by that point, but his point gets proved wrong after he says that. Christ, it almost looks painful, Magnus pities him. 

“You’re  _ so  _ cute when you blush, you know,” Magnus tells him, and Alec hides his face in his hands. 

“You’re  _ shameless,  _ Jesus,” says Alec, muffled. Magnus reaches out and pries his hands away from his face enough to see his eyes. 

“I love your eyes too,” Magnus admits, sighing. Alec’s eyes squeeze shut and his hands move to try and cover his crimson face again, but Magnus doesn’t let him. “I’m such a sucker for blue eyes.”

Alec opens his eyes again just to glare a little at him. “Huge surprise,” he mutters, but he’s smiling. 

Magnus grins and ruffles his hair, moving his hands to cup Alec’s hot cheeks. Alec grabs his wrists, and now they’re back to staring at each other, eyes and lips eyes and lips…it’s all Magnus can focus on and it’s all he can do not to completely lose control and just pin Alec to the bed and have his way with him. He swallows hard, like his throat’s closing up on him. Suddenly, he gets an idea.    


“Have you heard about those two people who set the longest kissing record in America?”

Alec’s nose scrunches up. “Can’t say I have.”

“Mmm, it’s very interesting how long they held up. I don’t think I ever could.”   


Alec nods, his gaze moving down to Magnus’s lips and staying there for a few seconds longer than he usually has it. Eyes and lips, eyes and lips, lips and lips and lips—

Magnus bites his lip, trying not to smile. “Wanna see how long we cou—”

He doesn’t even get to finish his sentence before Alec’s pushing himself forward and pressing his mouth on Magnus’s probably as hard as he can, breathing harshly.

Sure, it’s not perfect at first. Their noses bump a bit as they try and find a good angle, and with their eyes closed, Magnus can’t really see where to put his hands so it’s a little clumsy, but then it’s  _ good _ . It’s a stay-up-all-night-never-stop-kissing-you good. Magnus nearly never gets those, and it’s all so hilarious because Alec isn’t  _ supposed  _ to be this good at kissing. He’s inexperienced and young.  _ Magnus  _ was his first kiss. 

Yet, yet.

Somehow he is, somehow he’s better than Magnus had even imagined him being better, which is saying something. He’s better than anyone Magnus has kissed, which sort of concerns him because Magnus has kissed a  _ lot  _ of people, and Alec has kissed  _ no one else. _

But he thrusts all those thoughts away and focus’s on Alec’s lips. They’re good. They’re  _ so  _ good.

Magnus isn’t sure how long they keep up this slow, perfect kissing, but he knows that he’s definitely not sleepy now, and he’s pretty confident that Alec’s isn’t either. When Alec pulls away for a small second to gasp in a breath, Magnus flips them over so he’s on top like he’s wanted to all night. It’s nothing like his imagination, he could’ve  _ never  _ imagined something so perfect as Alec Lightwood, messy hair, jaw dropped and swollen lips staring up at him, overwhelmed and panting. 

Magnus makes a sound similar to a growl, and then dips down so his mouth is brushing Alec’s ear. The house is dead silent and every noise Alec’s making is all Magnus can hear, all he can think about. 

“I’m going to show you now,” he whispers in his dirtiest and lowest voice he can, which seems to have the desired effect because Alec’s breath stutters and his next exhale is a small, sweet noise. 

“W—what’re you—” Alec’s voice is shaking and he doesn’t even finish his sentence because Magnus finds both his wrists and brings them up slowly to frame his head, pinning him down properly, which seems to make him lose his voice. 

Then, before he can try and speak again, Magnus starts to mouth along his neck, dragging his lips down and across it until he’s at Alec’s collarbone. Alec’s making all sorts of moans and incoherent pleads above him, and Magnus can’t hold back a smirk at his shameless reactions because if this is how he acts when they’re just harmlessly kissing, Magnus can’t  _ imagine  _ what he’ll be like when they do…other stuff.

He finally bites down at the pulse point, intending to leave a proper mark and really  _ show  _ Alec what he’s been missing. Not that he’s complaining—he’s more than happy to be the first one to do all this to Alec, to be the first and currently only one able to make him moan and groan so enthusiastically. It’s really so  _ wonderful,  _ because him being Alec’s first means that Alec never had anyone tell him what to do or how to do it before, no one showed him that maybe being super loud is sort of embarrassing; it’s like he has no filter with sex. Alec’s simply doing whatever his body tells him, and Magnus can’t  _ wait  _ to show him everything.

Alec’s squirming and shaking beneath him once he’s finished leaving his hickey, and he licks his lips and leaves one last sucking kiss on it before pulling away and admiring it. He prides himself quite a bit in his hickey-giving skills, he has to admit. 

Alec’s eyes look almost completely glazed over, his eyelids drooping slightly, and Magnus can’t help the jolt of energy and excitement he gets from knowing that’s all from just a hickey. Magnus leans down and kisses him again, but this time, he makes it a little more interesting by fitting their hips together, finally. 

Alec loses his mind at that, and Magnus has to remind himself that this is literally the first time Alec’s ever feeling someone else’s hips on his, someone else touching and kissing him like Magnus is. He can almost feel his how overwhelmed he is. 

Alec kicks his leg out a little and whines into Magnus’s mouth, prying his hands out of Magnus’s grip so he can hurriedly bury them tightly in Magnus’s hair, which seems to be his favorite spot to hold Magnus when they kiss. Magnus purrs at that, which just gets more noise out of Alec. Magnus gives himself a mental note to get Alec to make as much noise as possible tonight. It's going pretty well so far.

“Oh— _ oh _ god—oh, Magnus—” Alec breaks away for a second to say, like he can’t help it. His voice is a deep, raspy anthem that is highly addictive. Magnus slowly and carefully starts to rock his hips forward, back and forth, back and forth, and gets completely dizzy from arousal at the look at Alec’s face when he does that, the way his jaw drops even further and his cheeks burn brighter. 

Magnus takes a deep, shaking breath, starting to lose control himself. He starts sliding his hands gently up and down Alec’s sides, and Alec gasps loudly. Magnus chuckles aloud, moving back down to whisper in his ear.

“Shh, you wouldn’t want to wake up the whole house, now would you?” Magnus can feel the cold wind on his back from the window, but all he can feel in Alec’s arms at the moment is pure heat and the wind’s nearly nothing to him. 

Alec just shakes his head quickly. Magnus almost feels bad because of how out of control he is, but more than that, he just feels the pride of being the person,  _ the only person,  _ who even made him be like that in the first place. 

When Magnus slips his fingers underneath the thin fabric of the shirt however, Alec’s eyes go slightly wide and frightened and he puts a hand on his wrist to stop him. They both become stock still, Alec's knuckles white from the grip he's leaving on Magnus's wrist. Everything is quiet except for their loud breathing, and the tension in the room is expands drastically. 

“Everything alright?” Magnus asks. Alec looks like he’s gaining up confidence to say whatever he’s about to say next, but then his face changes and Magnus guesses he says something else. 

“Yeah—um, yeah but—can we just…keep the shirt on for today? Please?”

Magnus stares at him a little in shock, then takes one longing look at the small strip of skin where the beginnings of Alec’s abs are, but takes his hands away. The relief in Alec’s face is imminent, and Magnus is slightly worried. 

“Thanks—thank you,” Alec says, shuddering a little. Magnus leans down and gives him an eskimo kiss, which makes Alec giggle.

“Anything for you,” he whispers, their foreheads touching intimately. 

The rest of the night is simply a blur of touches and kisses and touches and kisses, and Magnus assumes that if Alec said no shirt, it’ll probably also be no pants, so he doesn’t want to escalate it any more. They give up and go to sleep at one point, which Magnus poorly remembers to be Alec interrupting one of their kisses by yawning, then becoming terribly embarrassed. 

A few days later, the same thing happens. 

They’re kissing in Alec’s bed, slow and leisurely, like it’s their first time when it certainly isn’t, and Magnus’s hands get pushed away at the seam of Alec’s shirt again. He’s taken aback with surprise, now officially confused and concerned. 

“Alec?” is all he can say. Alec looks similar to how he did a few days ago when it first started, alarmed and scared. Magnus can’t exactly figure out what’s happening. 

“Sorry—I’m—sorry, I just—I don’t—it’s—” Alec stammers, eventually cutting himself off to bury his face in his hands. Magnus sighs sympathetically and slowly lifts Alec’s hands away with his own, leaving a kiss on his nose as soon as it’s exposed and creating a blossom of red in his lip’s wake.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong?” Magnus says, still not letting go of Alec’s wrists. Alec’s hands twitch, like he wants to cover his face again, and his eyes squint slightly along with a lip quiver when Magnus denies him that. He just swallows and stares anywhere but Magnus’s face, clearly embarrassed and clearly stubborn and it’s very clearly concerning Magnus.    


“Alec, come on, don’t be like that. You know you can tell me anything. No offense, but you’ve already told me  _ a lot.  _ Which is a good thing, because people aren’t supposed to keep things from their boyfriends. Which concludes the fact that you should tell me, oh, and I should also add, I won’t stop buggering you until you do.” Magnus shrugs albeit sarcastically when he’s finished, and Alec finally cracks a small laugh at that, face relaxing a minuscule amount. It’s enough for Magnus. 

Yet he still doesn’t speak a word.    


“Alec, please, please tell me. You have absolutely nothing to be afraid or embarrassed of, and I’m definitely the last person in the world to judge you for anything, trust me." 

Magnus can see in his face that he does trust Magnus, but the soft, cashmere sweater stayed on still. 

“Please?” He tries a different approach, adopting a soft tone. His hands are playing with the bottom of his shirt, however, and Magnus contains a small jump for joy.

“I—I don’t know—”

“Alec, seriously, what do you think I’d judge you for at this point? Have I ever judged you at all from anything you’ve said or done so far?”

Alec shakes his head a little sheepishly, his eyes giving in a little. 

“That’s right.” Magnus strokes calmly over Alec’s body, just light touches over his biceps, his shoulders, his chest. He takes a deep breath imagining what’s underneath, imagining the soft skin he could get to touch—

But he shouldn’t think about that. Alec could just be insecure and not be ready to show his full body yet, and Magnus knows he needs to accept that. 

Just as he takes his hands away, though, Alec sighs loudly and starts to peel his sweater upward carefully, like it’ll hurt his skin if he’s too rough with it. Magnus feels like everything’s in slow motion, the way he’s gradually uncovering strip by strip of his pale abdomen. It’s much hotter than it should be, and it’s much more over-dramatized in his head as well, because really, this isn’t some monumental moment, it’s just his boyfriend taking off his shirt. Well, he supposes that small things like this are considered quite monumental with Alec, because Alec’s certainly like no one else he’s dated. 

And— _ Christ,  _ Magnus almost wishes he wasn’t right about the abs thing, because there they are, right on Alec’s stomach, a beautifully, perfectly outlined six-pack. Magnus’s heart could burst. 

“Shit,” says Magnus without even realizing it much, his eyes glued to Alec’s stomach. Alec stops for a moment, but when Magnus lifts his eyes back to Alec’s face and gives him what’s hopefully an encouraging look and not one just filled with arousal, Alec continues. This time, it’s at a completely different pace; he rips it off in one motion, but it’s not in a passionate, I-must-have-you-now way like Magnus hoped. It’s more like ripping off the bandaid and exposing the wound, which shuts out all arousal Magnus had upon earlier seeing Alec’s abs for the first time. 

It especially all disappears when he sees the look on Alec’s face. 

Deliberately avoiding looking anywhere at Alec’s bare torso (no matter how tempting), Magnus strokes a hand over Alec’s surprisingly cold cheek. “Darling, what is it? What’s wrong? I think you look— _ God,  _ you look  _ fantastic.  _ I’m telling you, I’ve never seen a better six-pack on any man I’ve been with, which is more of a compliment than you’d think.”

Alec chuckles a little wryly, but Magnus can see he’s still nervous, can see the way his shoulders are up defensively to his ears, and his hands are on his arms like he’s cold, but Alec never gets cold. He’s had that window open nearly all winter and Magnus has never seen him shiver or flinch once. 

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Maguns sneaks a glance down, just for a half a second, and sees a blur of pale skin wrapped preciously and perfectly on godly shaped muscles. Magnus takes a deep, calming breath to steady himself, because for God’s sake, Alec looks like he’s a heartbeat away from crying and Magnus is basically living in a wet dream. 

Alec’s eyes have shut tightly, and his lip is quivering again. Magnus can’t stand this. He leans down and presses two feather-light kisses to Alec’s eyelids, coaxing them open, and embraces him lightly, his lips near Alec’s ear again. Alec’s breath is shaky in his own. 

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. Whatever it is, I’m here for you,” Magnus tries to encourage. “The thing is, I just can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” With that, Alec lets out a little whimper in his ear, and this one is very distinguishable from the ones he makes during pleasure. Magnus’s heart races. “No no no, don’t cry please,  _ please  _ don’t cry.” Seeing Alec cry is enough, but having to hear it right next to his ear is even worse. Magnus holds onto him tighter. 

After he hears Alec take a few quivering breaths, he hears a barely audible whisper, even with Alec’s mouth right near his ear. 

“I’ve never—showed anyone—.” He cuts himself off again, voice thick. Maguns tries not to find this weird, because he has literally no idea what Alec could possibly be self-conscious of.

Finally he pulls away from Alec, sitting back to get a full look at him because he’s tired of not knowing what’s happening. 

And there’s nothing wrong, like he thought. Everything is fine, everything looks fine, everything looks  _ gorgeous  _ in fact, yet Alec somehow looks like he’s about to cross the line into a full on panic attack.

“Alec,” Magnus says in a breathless laugh. “What’re you talking about? There’s nothing—”

Everything is fine, everything looks fine, that is, until Magnus sees them. 

They’re littered up and down his arms, rough and random and from the look of it, definitely not by accident. 

Magnus swallows, feeling all the calmness he felt no less than three seconds ago bleed out of him as fast as his heart’s beating. 

Cuts. Alec’s arms are completely covered in deliberate cuts. 

Alec’s sobbing quietly now, folding in on himself like Magnus is going to think he’s a monster or something, which kills him. 

“I…” Truly, Alec’s rendered Magnus speechless. It doesn’t happen often, but in this case, unfortunately, it’s not in a good way.   


Some part of Magnus’s mind tells him he should’ve expected this. He tries to push it out, but the more he thinks about doing that the stronger the thought roars in his mind. It’s horrible. 

“I’m—sorry,” Alec gasps out, taking in a deep breath to say what he says next in one breath. “I  _ told _ you that I couldn’t be fixed, I told you the emotional damage that comes with me—you—you— _ I’m sorry _ —”

Magnus’s ears don’t even feel connected to his body, like he’s listening to this from somewhere far away. His  _ head  _ hurts, Jesus, how could Alec even be real? He feels guilty and  _ he’s  _ apologizing to _Magnus_ for—for doing this to himself. 

Magnus acts fast after that, leaning in close again, and whispering that he has nothing to be sorry for, that nothing’s wrong with him and that they can go through this together. He whispers that he’s going to be there for him, that he’s going to help him, that he’s going to get him the help he needs. Alec shakes and shivers in his arms, holding back a full on bawl, probably. Magnus squeezes him so tight, almost hoping that the harder he squeezes the bigger the chance that he’ll squeeze the sadness and hurt and everything out of Alec, all the bad things. That’s all he wants to do, really. 

Eventually, Alec’s bare arms tentatively slide around his torso in return and his small hands cup his shoulder blades. Magnus feels like crying too. Oh how the mood has changed. 

“Alec,” Magnus whispers. “I just need you to promise me something.” He moves to look Alec in his scared, vulnerable eyes, and it’s so intense he almost looks away again. “None of this anymore, okay?” Magnus takes one of Alec’s wrists in his hands, thumbing over it ever-so-gently. He hastily continues when Alec’s lips trembles so violently Magnus is afraid it’s going to pop. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, I’m honestly really impressed that you showed me these, and I’m really proud.” 

He expects Alec to make another therapist joke, because he’s really acting like one now, but there’s nothing. Damn. This is really a big deal. 

“I need you—I know I don’t really have any right to be asking this of you, but if you ever, if you  _ ever  _ feel like doing this again, I  _ need  _ you to contact me. Immediately. I don’t care how much you want to do it or how much easier it would be to just not call me, please do this one thing for me.  _ Please.  _ Whenever you think of doing it again, remember that I said this. Do it for  _ me. _ ”   


Alec nods carefully, but Magnus doesn’t miss the moment’s hesitation he had. The silence in the room has gone from loud to deafening. 

“Could I just ask why, Alec? Why would you feel the need to do this horrible thing to yourself?” Magnus doesn’t look at his arms again—doesn’t know if he could bear it—but he continues stroking over each and every cut he can feel softly, rubbing over them with his thumb as if he can rub them all the way off. Some are newer, some are very old, but all are there. They’re all there and a physical part of Alec and something that  _ he  _ did to  _ himself _ —

Magnus could really use a good cry.    


“I—” Alec’s voice shakes, so he tries again. “I guess I just…wanted some relief. I don’t really remember the first time I did it—I think it was all a blur, but—but—after that, I didn’t want to stop.” Alec’s voice is so low it couldn’t even be counted as a whisper. His eyes are downcast, but Magnus can still see the reflection of the moonlight from the tears still sitting there. His cheeks are wet but drying, drying and making his skin get that weird, stretched texture that skin gets from dried tears. His shoulders are still up defensively, and Magnus’s wishes he could change that, a lot. 

“Why?” Magnus says. They’re both at whisper levels now. 

“Because—because every time I did it, it was like all the—all the insecurities and anxiety and absolute onslaught of self-loathing thoughts disappeared…for just a second. It calmed me down. It settled down the fucking  _ mess  _ that my brain is. And that felt good. Clearing my head felt good.”   


Magnus couldn’t imagine. “Alec, you know there are other ways to do that. So many others. Much better ways.”   


“Like what?” Alec asks a little sarcastically, and honestly Magnus prefers that version of him over the sad one—the sad one is like a mix of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and someone who’s just watched their only child die. Yeah. It’s bad. At least in Magnus’s eyes. 

“You could get professional help. Like from a real therapist.”   


“That’s stupid and pointless.”   


“Have you ever tried it?” Alec says nothing. Magnus nods. “Exactly. I actually think it might be quite good for yo—”

“Shut up shut  _ up _ , there’s no way in hell I’m going to be some selfish asshole and see a therapist.”    


Magnus is taken aback. “So…people who see therapists are selfish assholes?”

Alec crunches up his face and buries it into his hands. “No—no that’s not what I’m saying, I just—ugh.” Alec cuts off with a frustrated noise, muffled by his palms. Magnus is running out of ideas on ways to soothe him, because frankly, nothing seems to be working. 

“So what is it then? Why don’t you want to get help, Alec?”

“Just forget it, okay?” Alec says, his voice cracking mid-way. He suddenly wrenches himself out from underneath Magnus so he can submerge into the covers and face away from Magnus. Magnus lays there, half on his side, resting on his elbow, staring at Alec’s naked back in shock. 

“Alec—”

“Stop,” he whispers. “Just stop.”

Magnus doesn’t know what to do. Magnus is…Magnus is Magnus. He’s pretty much a relationship expert, in most ways. But this…this is something he’s never encountered before. For the first time, Magnus can’t even begin to imagine what Alec’s going through. He usually can, with most people.

So, he did what he does best. Cuddling. He wrapped his arm around Alec’s middle, cocooned him from behind in a gentle manner and spooned the hell out of him until they were both asleep.

Magnus wasn’t totally sure, but he thought it calmed Alec. Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah. Comment plz? Watchya think?


	11. Jace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I know this one's gonna be boring, probably, but I needed to give it more plot aLriGhT?! Next one's gonna be spicy ;) (I mean more Malec content ofc)  
> Happy reading.

The first thing Alec realizes when he wakes up is that he has a ridiculously devastating hangover, when he remembers he hadn’t even drank the other night. So he must be getting sick. Great. 

What had he even done last night?   


Alec shifts around in the sheets and then notices that he’s shirtless. 

And that’s when Alec remembers a second thing; all the events from the other night, coming back in a strong, overwhelming wave in his mind. He cringes, trying to curl up in a tighter ball under his covers and pretend none of those things ever happened, pretend he never showed Magnus his arms and his cuts and pretend he never broke down. 

Oh right. Magnus. 

Alec turns around slowly in bed and doesn’t know whether he should be relieved or disappointed that Magnus isn’t there. He feels a bit of both. But he doesn’t know  _ why  _ Magnus is gone, and that’s worrying him just a little.    


Alec turns back around, groping for his phone on the bedside table and trying to see from the sudden black spots coating his vision as he sits up slightly. He finds Magnus’s contact quickly and is just about to text him when he chickens out, right about to hit send. Whatever. He doesn’t need to check up on him. Just…no.

Alec’s fine. Alec’s totally fine. He can do this. 

A sweet, warm smell is drifting from downstairs, and Alec lets himself become distracted and gravitates towards that instead. He doesn’t bother putting on a shirt—if it’s actual good cooking, it’s probably his mother because Izzy could never, and—

Of course, on this fine lucky day Alec’s having, the person who ends up cooking the lovely breakfast is Jace. Wonderful. Alec was actually hoping to eat something but…nevermind. There’s no way he’s spending an entire morning sitting eating breakfast with Jace. 

This reminds Alec of when he and Jace  _ would  _ actually sit down together and have breakfast, goofing around, annoying their mom, laughing and talking about girls at school (well, Alec would lie, of course.) Younger Alec never would’ve dreamed that they were going to end up in this situation, the air being so uncomfortable that they can’t even be in the same room alone. 

So right when Alec sees Jace in the doorway of the kitchen, he suppresses a groan and turns around immediately, planning on heading upstairs and sulking into his pillow until Jace files out and he can make himself some crummy ramen or something. Izzy and his mother are nowhere to be seen. 

But before Alec even reaches the stairs, Jace’s voice drifts out to him. “Alec?”

Alec nearly goes into cardiac arrest, tripping over his own feet and groping onto a lamp to save himself, which doesn’t help at all and now he needs to clean up a broken lamp and be killed by his mother. Great. 

Alec hasn’t heard Jace’s voice since what’s felt like years. Alec’s pretty sure the last time they actually spoke was when…

“Y—yeah?” Alec stupid fucked-up voice cracks. Which is normal. It’s not like he cares. Everything’s whatever. He’s  _ fine. _

“D’you know where Izzy is?” Why does Jace sound so normal? Why does he sound like this is just another conversation between friends, and not…whatever they were. Awkward brothers who haven’t spoken in ages. So why on earth is Jace acting like nothing wrong with him…acting so normal?   


“I dunno?” Alec hopes Jace heard him, because at the current moment he’s standing frozen in front of the steps, balancing over broken glass from a broken lamp and trying to remember what breathing is. Or why this is happening. Did he miss something? Like an entire important conversation?

“Oh. Okay,” is all Jace says back before he starts  _ humming  _ in the kitchen. Oh, not just humming anything, but humming a tune that Alec has only ever heard Jace waste his vocal cords on whenever they were hanging out together. It's a Lana Del Ray song—Alec isn't sure which one, but he just knows it’s from her because Jace used to have a sort of major crush on her and—

Right. Not what he should be focusing on.

Slowly, Alec steps over the broken glass and creeps back to the general direction of the kitchen. He wonders absentmindedly if his brother is high. Or drunk. 

As he gets closer, he hears the sizzling from the pan of eggs Jace is cooking, hears the Lana del Ray song even louder coming from an even perkier voice. 

He can’t feel his limbs for a second, and then darts upstairs as quickly as he can before Jace can ask him anything more. He feels the strange urge to cry. 

Just hearing Jace’s voice brought back an onslaught of memories that Alec’s been trying to keep far away from his mind for the longest time, and now they’re all coming back. His vision’s getting a little blurry as he stumbles in his room, and he knows it's from those damn tears. Suddenly, his arms are itchy and scratchy and they feel naked and exposed, even when he throws on a sweater, and Alec knows that means he wants to cut. He’s not going to cut. He  _ won’t.  _ He won’t he won’t he won’t.

And finally, like a savior angel, Magnus pops into his mind and clears his head and vision, strangely like a vacuum cleaner sucking all the bad thoughts out of his head. He remembers Magnus telling him to talk to him whenever he feels like cutting again, and Alec knows, he  _ knows  _ he should listen. And he tries. He picks up his phone and goes to Magnus’s contact and…

Chickens out. 

_ Ugh,  _ Alec is  _ so  _ tired of chickening out. 

But what can he do? His mind makes these irrational fears of rejection up for him, and he has no choice but to listen and deal with them. Which means he’s self-conscious texting Magnus. 

Maybe a call?

_ But he’s probably in class. _

Alec bites his lip, and he finds he’s breathing a little heavy. He wants to talk this out with someone though, he really needs to just word-vomit until there’s nothing left and he can maybe think about breathing again, and—

Maybe Izzy’s available. 

Alec smacks himself in the forehead, remembering the whole basis of he and Jace’s awkward little talk was that the location of Izzy was unknown. Great. 

Alec decides to call her, half because he’s a little worried and half because he knows that he doesn’t care where she is or if he’s bothering her like he does with Magnus. 

She picks up after three, painfully slow rings.    


“Alec!” she hisses. “This better be an emergency!”

Alec frowns, plopping down on his bed. “Where are you?”

“I’m at  _ school _ , you moron.”

Oh right. Fucking school. Izzy did that too.

“Oh, right. Sorry. I’ll—I’ll just leave you be, then,” Alec says quietly, scratching the back of his neck and wincing. 

There’s a loud sigh from the other side and beyond it, Alec can faintly hear loud voices and probably a teacher talking. Oops. 

“Okay, give me a second, you wimp,” she snarls, and Alec cocks his head, waiting. There’s a few pretty loud rustles, then two voices exchanging a conversation that Alec can’t quite make out, more rustles, and then his sister’s back on the phone in a whole of forty-five seconds.    


“Alright, what is it? I came to the bathroom for you.” She’s speaking louder and more freely now.

“Well,” he starts sheepishly, playing with the hem of his sweater. “It—it’s not really an emergency, but um, Jace just talked to me today.”

There’s silence, and Alec can tell that if this were a face-to-face talk, Izzy would probably be slapping him by this point. 

“Okay…that’s great?” she says sarcastically. Mostly confused, though.

Alec breathes out a slow, careful breath. “Uhm, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” she says impatiently. 

Alec’s hand balls into a fist. “ _ Because _ , Izzy! It’s Jace!”

“Yeah! It’s Jace! It’s your brother! What a big deal!”

“Don’t be like that,” Alec snaps, losing control a little. 

“Like what? I don’t understand what’s going on here, Alec. Jace talks to you. What’s the big deal—”

“You  _ know  _ what the big deal is,  _ come on. _ ”

Izzy sighs loud and dramatically, echoing through the phone. “What’d he say to you, then?”   


“He…he asked me where you were. Doesn’t he know that your at school?”

Izzy sniffs a little. “Well, I told him that I was skipping today but then I decided not to, so I guess that’s why. I know he's skipping. But what’s so weird about him asking you that?”

“Because we haven’t talked in ages? Because the last time we talked it was complete hell? Because—”

“Alright, alright, you don’t need to go off. Look, I don’t have a ton of time left, so here’s my advice to you; get over yourself and talk to him. Stop being stupid. You know you’re being stupid Alec—accept it,  _ please,  _ for everyone’s sake, so you and Jace can go back to the way you were.” Her voice softens. “Everyone’s rooting for you guys, I know it. Even Jace. He misses you, you know. Just talk to him. I know you can do it.”

Alec splutters a little after her stupidly motivational speech, trying to protest in some way but realizing he can’t even find a rebuttal. Izzy’s…Izzy’s right.

There’s muffled voices on the other end, and then, “Look, I gotta go. Good luck, dumbass.”

Alec smiles fondly. “Thanks.” He’s cut off before he can even finish, but he knows his sister got the memo. 

Somewhere deep and buried in Alec’s mind, he knows that talking to Jace probably is the right thing to do and it  _ will  _ probably make his life a great deal easier. But he’s too familiar with his comfort zone, he’s too content with the way things are at the moment to force himself to change it, no matter what everyone’s telling him. Which sucks. It really sucks.

A short half an hour later which Alec mostly spends contemplating basically everything while picking apart a piece of cardboard he’d found on the ground from an old shoe box, Magnus calls him. 

“Hey,” says Magnus. He sounds a little out of breath and there are loud, thundering noises around him, like he’s on a street. Because he probably is. It’s New York City. Duh. 

“Hello,” Alec says quietly, as if he’s guilty because of the thoughts he’s having even though he knows Magnus doesn’t know crap about his feelings yet. 

“Are you alright?” Magnus asks. There’s a loud beep on the receiver, and Alec winces slightly when Magnus swears under his breath and the wind picks up over the bad quality, making it even harder to hear him. Eventually, he knows Magnus is back on the call again when he says, “Okay, sorry about that, just crazy New York drivers.”

Alec chuckles, hoping he forgot the question because he’s not even sure how to answer at a time like this. “Yeah, that’s—yeah.” Why does he have to be so awkward?

“So anyway,  _ are  _ you alright?” Magnus insists, and Alec resists the urge to slap himself in annoyance. Not because of Magnus per say, but the universe in general. 

“I’m doing—somewhat okay.  _ Therapist _ ,” Alec teases at the end, quite obviously trying to change the subject. Magnus lets out a small laugh on the other end, but it’s the one Alec’s grown to realize is his fake one. Alec feels his face redden, and he's suddenly glad Magnus can't see him. 

“Okay. Well I just wanted to check in. Call me if you need anything? Ever?”

“Yeah, yes, okay,” Alec whines a little, trying to maybe make Magnus emit that  _ real  _ laugh sound that’s always so lovely. He doesn’t.

“Goodbye, Alec.” For a strange, strange moment, Alec’s expecting to hear an ‘I love you’. Probably because of the amount of times he likes phoning his mom during the day and the habit he’s grown in telling her that, that’s all. Well, that’s what he tells himself. Whatever. Love is stupid. He doesn’t  _ love  _ Magnus. 

Alec blows out a poof of annoyed air, shaking his head and clutching his hair in two, sweaty fists. He needs to distract himself. Badly. 

_ Maybe talking to Jace would be a good distraction.  _

Alec wants to tell that idiot voice in his head that Jace is the entire thing in which he’s looking for a distraction  _ from,  _ but it doesn’t stop the voice. The idiot voice continues piling up scenarios that could occur with Jace, but nearly all of them end up in a fight between them, usually a nasty one. That voice needs to go, too, he’s decided. He can’t deal with that right now.

So instead, he pulls out his phone and starts organizing random things—the positions of the very few apps he has, his friends/family’s contacts and pictures on their phones, his background. It’s a good something for distraction, but at the same time, everything he does reminds him of Jace now, and that reminds him of the awkward conversation that made him question everything.

Which is just fantastic. 

Once Alec’s wasted a solid fifteen minutes of his time re-evaluating his entire phone, he gives up and decides to leave the house, to get as far away from Jace as he can and as far away from temptation as he can. He’s not going to risk humiliating himself, and talking to Jace might definitely do that. Maybe he would think that if he didn’t have a fucking stupid idiot voice, but what can you do. Everyone has one of those. 

But once he’s rushed downstairs, Jace isn’t even there anymore, the plate where food was just eaten lying empty and dirty on the kitchen table as Alec realizes for the first time that the shower's running upstairs. He purses his lips. Well that’s good…he supposes. It should be. He shouldn’t be disappointed or anything. That would be completely mental. Right?

He wonders what would've been different if he and Jace actually _had_ gotten to talking, if he hadn't chickened the fuck out. Oh well. 

_ And then what? What would you have even said to him? Your most likely gonna just chicken out again and then things will be even more awkward than before. _

Alec really wishes the ‘most likely’ part of that sentence wasn’t there, because if it would've never made Alec hurriedly stress-call Magnus again.

Magnus picks up on the first ring. “Alec? What’s wrong?” Magnus’s voice is scratchy and bumpy. 

Alec scoffs. “Why does everyone have to assume there’s something wrong?”

“Uh—I didn’t—I’m—” Magnus tries to stammer an apology, and Alec chuckles. 

“I’m just kidding doofus.”

There’s a short silence on the other end for a moment. Alec notices background voices and noises, like he’s out somewhere public such as a restaurant or store. “You know, you don’t hear a lot of ‘doofus’ these days,” Magnus states. Alec snorts. 

“Yeah well…I like that word. Doofus.”

“Okay. Doofus,” Magnus says with a smile in his voice. 

“I might have to make that your contact name,” Alec says.

“Don’t you dare,” Magnus growls, and they both burst out laughing sweetly. 

“Okay, okay, I’m seriously getting off topic here. But, before I rant, where are you exactly? You ran off this morning before I could say goodbye,” Alec fake-whines. Well, half-way fake.    


“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I had an early class.”

“Oh, I see. You know, we never got to your part of the story.”

“I—what?”

“That night, we talked about me a ton, but he never got to talk about  _ your  _ ‘life story’. I’ll keep that in mind,” Alec says with a smirk, standing up and beginning to pace his bedroom absentmindedly.

“Hah, yeah. Alright. Also, I left you a note on your bedside table, did you not see it?” says Magnus. 

Alec frowns. He swore he checked for one—

And now he feels like an idiot. Because there’s a neatly folded lined-paper note sitting on the table beside his bed. He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly and flushes. 

“Oh. Yeah, sorry, I didn’t see that. Where did you even get a paper? And something to write with?” Alec wonders, unfolding the note and the studying the pen scratched on it. 

“In your desk,” Magnus says with a laugh. 

“Oh,” Alec says, biting his lip. He’s just really good at embarrassing himself. 

“Anyway, I’ve gotta go to biology soon, so what did you need to talk about?”

Alec remembers the whole thing with Jace with molton humiliation and dread in a pit in his stomach. It’s too much now. He’s mucked it up. He’s going to make a fool out of himself. 

He can tell Magnus later. Or never. Whichever. 

“Uh, I don’t—I don’t actually remember,” Alec says, his voice cracking very unconvincingly.

“Oh come on, don’t be like that,” Magnus says.    


“What? I—I’ve genuinely forgotten.”

“No you haven’t,” says Magnus plainly.

“Uh—wow, I uh, I think that’s my mom calling m—YEAH MOM?” Alec’s working up a half a sweat just from nerves, but Magnus is laughing on the other end, quite loudly. 

“Okay Alec, okay. I’ll get it out of you eventually.”

Alec gulps.

“Yeah, uh, bye,” Alec says quickly, shutting off his phone and dropping it onto the bed. He continues to pace his room, tugging at his hair and picking at his skin in frustration. 

Maybe he should just confront Jace and get this all over with. It would probably make it easier for everyone, because then he wouldn't be annoying Izzy and Magnus about it. 

But there are two many risks in that, and he knows he’s not ballsy enough. What seriously worries him though, is the fact that he knows he’ll never be. 

He’ll never be. 

Alec’s fallen to the floor before he’s realized it, like the emotional weight of everything is finally catching up to him in one big wave and he can’t even hold it up. He feels like his floor has seen him go through more emotions than anyone else.

This all feels so stupid. Alec should be able to talk to his own brother, especially about things like, for example,  _ them not talking.  _ Them not talking and then Jace popping up and starting a short conversation between them like it’s nothing. What made him get a changed mindset? Was he just fucking with Alec to laugh at him?

Alec shuts his eyes tightly, willing away all those bad thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking that stuff. Over thinking is exactly what he doesn’t need at this time. 

So he needs a distraction. A good distraction. Which—

No,  _ not  _ cutting. He promised Magnus. He wouldn’t.

But didn’t Magnus say to call him if he ever felt tempted again? And how is he going to do that knowing he literally just called him and knowing the fact that Mangus is probably in class right now? It would just be a huge embarrassment. 

_ Doesn’t matter, you aren’t going to do it anyway. No your not no your not no your not. _

He curls himself up in a tighter ball on the floor. The hard, oak frame from where he’s leaning back on his bed is starting to dig into his back and hurt, but Alec doesn’t even notice. Everything’s becoming numb again. He feels numb. He wishes he knew where his earbuds were so he could listen to some sad Lewis Capaldi tunes.

Suddenly, steps are approaching from outside his room, slowly going down the hallway…directly to his room. Alec can’t stand the thought of Jace walking in on him breaking down on his floor just because they said a few words to each other, so he scrambles up and situates himself on his bed just as the doorknob turns and opens, revealing Jace in all his glory. He has on dark, baggy jeans with a single, probably unintentional hole in one of the knees and navy blue t-shirt. His hands are in his pocket as he shifts from one foot to another at his doorway, looking uncomfortable. His heart is still wet and slightly drippy from his shower just a few minutes ago, and Alec’s heart is pounding; he hadn't even had the time to prepare or properly freak out, Jace is _here_ now. 

Neither of them say anything, and the silence is hung heavier in the air than a boulder. Alec’s sitting criss-cross on his bed, focusing all his concentration on looking anywhere but Jace and from his peripheral vision, Alec can see Jace working up the nerve to say something. Somewhere in the back of his mind Alec wonders what the fuck is going on. 

Jace abruptly claps his hands together making Alec jump as their eyes accidentally lock. Alec starts to sweat, looking away again. 

“Okay Alec,” Jace says, his voice a soft feather whisper, decades away from the cocky, naive, raspy tone it usually has. “I think we should talk.”

Alec can’t help his jaw dropping open slightly. 

“Oh—kay,” Alec says just as quiet, frozen on his bed. 

They’re back to silence. 

“Alrigh—fuck this shit, nevermind,” Jace says quickly, scratching his head and promptly turning out of the room. Just before he closes the door, though, Alec panics.

“Wait, wait,” he says, his voice just seconds away from cracking. Jace stops in the doorway, hand still on the doorknob and back still facing Alec. Alec finds the will to talk again because it’s actually easier to talk to Jace’s back then see his face. Maybe they should just do it like this. “What did you want to talk about?” He has that awkward tone in his voice, and he knows it.

Alec can actually hear Jace swallow from where he’s standing because of how pin-drop silent the room is, the whole  _ house  _ is actually. He wishes Izzy were here to sizzle up some bad food in the kitchen or for his mom to come in and annoy him, anything to get him out of this situation. 

“I…I just…I think you know,” Jace says eventually, still not facing him. Maybe it’s easier for him too.

Alec doesn’t dare say anything, lest his voice shake. It just makes things more awkward, though. 

“So…I…I hate this Alec,” Jace admits finally, turning around and looking straight at Alec with such a devastated, sad look in his eyes. Alec can't stand being the reason his eyes are like that. “I fucking hate not being able to talk to you, I hate us just…just  _ ignoring  _ each other every time we’re in the same  _ room _ , I hate not being like actual brothers, like best friends and I’m just so  _ sick  _ of it Alec. I really am.”

Alec’s heart feels like it doesn’t know whether to shatter or warm up, and it’s confusing the hell out of his emotions. Or maybe Alec’s emotions are confusing the hell out of his heart, it really could be either way but the conclusion is that Alec is confused. He’s really lost in this whole situation. 

“What?” he says. 

Jace stops pacing, looking at him strangely. “You heard me.”   


Alec tries to forget that this is the longest they’ve held up a conversation in actual months and Alec’s starting to remember Jace’s voice from simpler times. This entire ordeal just reminds of the sixth grade when they had this fight one time over who would get the more expensive backpack from Target, because it was the more cool one and their mom was saying she was only getting one. Izzy had already bounced off with her cheap, pretty pink one that she was content with, but Jace and Alec got thrown into this huge argument right in the store until their mom broke it up and said she wasn’t going to buy it for either of them. That next week, they didn’t speak to each other at all until the end when Alec caved and apologized, feeling horrible for hurting his best friend. Jace accepted it, of course, and that was that. 

That one week period of no interaction was the longest time they didn’t speak in their entire lives up to these past couple of months, and it hurts Alec a lot. He wishes that things could be as easy as apologizing and moving on now, but alas, real life is not. 

“I hate it too, Jace,” Alec replies, using all of his effort to keep his face neutral looking. 

Jace looks at him exasperated. “Well then why are we doing this to each other?”

Alec takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. Well, fuck. He’s not even exactly sure. He thinks Jace hates him, yes, but he’s not sure if that’s even true anymore. Magnus could’ve been right. Maybe they just needed to talk. Maybe they just  _ need  _ to talk, to be more specific. 

“I thought you hated me,” Alec says quickly, resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands and just hide there forever. “I still…think. I mean, why wouldn’t you?” Damn it. His voice cracked. Well, might as well just give up and let it continue like that, then.

“Why, Alec, why the hell would I hate you?” His old voice is coming back, the less vulnerable one. Alec finds he likes it better, but maybe more because every time he uses his vulnerable voice it's usually not in good context.    


Alec sighs, long and low. He remembers having a really good explanation for this a long time ago, he remembers practicing it in his head if he and Jace ever even had this conversation back then when this whole mess happened, but they didn’t and now he doesn’t remember. In fact, the reason he’s coming up with in his head now just sounds plain stupid and suddenly it's like a bucket of cold, ice water is dumped on his head. 

“I don’t know,” he says, almost in awe. 

They’re quiet again. 

“I spoke to Magnus. I know about you two,” says Jace matter-of-factly, crossing his arms and stopping his pacing for a moment to face Alec. 

Alec splutters, his brain coming up with about a hundred excuses until he realizes that he  _ shouldn’t  _ be ashamed. But…how? Does Jace know he’s…who he is now? He can hear his heartbeat racing in his ears.

“Wh—what are you talking about?” he squeaks. Jace gives him a look. 

“Look, don’t play games right now, man. I know. I’ve  _ known _ .” Alec expects him to say more, to tell him that he’s a freak and disgusting and be the ol’ basic homophobe, but he doesn’t. Maybe he’s not. 

Alec suddenly realizes that he has no idea why he thought Jace was homophobic or wouldn’t accept him, and that thought makes him feel about thirty percent more stupid than he already feels at the current time. Which is  _ not  _ good for his self-esteem, but whatever. He needs to push through. Now is not the time. 

“So…you…what did he tell you—you—what do you know?”

Jace does an arrogant little half shoulder shrug that Alec sort of hates. “Well, he told me about you guys. How you’re…you know. And we talked about…well you. He said that you thought I hated you, and…well that’s not fucking true. You’re my brother. You…I—I just want things to go back to the way they were,” he admits quietly.

Jace doesn’t let his guard down often, in fact, rarely at all. He’s the least person to lose his cool in a tough situation, and Alec’s pretty sure that the last time he’d seen Jace lose his cool like he is now is when the whole incident happened in the first place. Before that incident, Alec can’t even  _ remember  _ a time Jace dropped all his masks like that. 

Alec still remembers that day. He remembers exactly how low he was feeling, exactly how hopeless. He felt like life had failed him, like everything was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it. He knows he still sort of feels like that, but he has no idea what to do about it.

And now Jace _is_ losing his cool. Just from the two of them talking. Alec studies him carefully as he speaks, and he can physically see his face changing and his eyes becoming shaky and foreign things. Jace is losing his cool.

That pretty much gives back that thirty percent of self-esteem Alec lost a few seconds ago.

And  _ Magnus,  _ goddamn Magnus. He busies himself in thinking of creative ways to murder his boyfriend even though he knows, in the back of his mind, that everything probably worked out for the best.

But still. For fuck’s sake. 

“I…Magnus never told me you guys talked, actually.” Alec wants to add that he’s a bastard, but he won’t act too irrationally yet. “I want things to go back to the way they were too.”

“So why can’t we?” Jace says, his voice a trembling murmur. “Why is this so hard?” 

From this angle in the room, with the lighting and everything, Jace looks almost ghostly. His eyes are sunken in and baggy, and Alec may be imagining it but even slightly shiny. His skin is a dewy, dirty mess, pale and clearly unkempt even after his shower. He remembers a time when he had freckles and sweet, soft, tan skin, but now, things seem to have changed drastically. The light from the early sun outside casts unflattering shadows across his fallen features, making him seem zombie-like. Alec feels almost responsible, like his gut’s been punched straight on.

“I just don’t know, Jace. We aren’t the same anymore, not like we were a few months ago. I’m not saying this is never going to work, but…” Alec doesn’t want to think of a scenario where he and Jace continue living their miserable lives _ not  _ going back to the way things were. 

“I want to be your friend again, Alec.” Alec’s never heard him speak like this. “I hate how we’re living. Just acting like we don't exist to each other. But I want you to  _ talk  _ to me. I just, I feel like the reason this whole thing happened was because you just didn’t  _ tell  _ me anything about your life. You never did, and it was honestly upsetting. I would never hate you, but the way you were keeping all these things from me made it seem like you didn’t trust me, and that’s what really got me upset. I thought we were close, but…I don’t know. You’re…You  _ were  _ my best friend, Alec, and my brother for Christ’s sake, I should know more about what’s happening in your life.  _ Especially  _ about things like you having  _ anxiety  _ and  _ depression. _ ”

Alec has to swallow past a lump in his throat to speak again, and he can barely get words out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Jace looks like he wants to go and hug him or do something sappy like that, and Alec quite does too, but he’s holding back. They both are. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me? Did you really not trust me?”

“No, of course not,” Alec says roughly. “That’s stupid.”

“Then why?”

“ _ Because _ , okay, because I didn’t want you thinking that I was…I don’t know, making them up for attention or something horrible. I felt selfish and I was going through a  _ really _ insecure time back then,” Alec mumbles, cheeks heating up at the fact that that all sounded much more stupid out loud. 

“Dude,” Jace snorts. “No offense, but seriously?”

Alec scratches the back of his neck, squirming and avoiding eye contact. He wishes this could be resolved already.

“Yeah, yeah I know.”

Jace sighs nice and big. “I think that you need some help.”

Alec scoffs. “Thanks.”   


“No, for real. Like, you know, from a doctor. You’re not well, Alec, and we all hate seeing you like this. Me, Izzy, even Magnus. I’m sure he’s telling you to get help too.”   


Alec doesn’t say anything, because he refuses to admit that Jace is right. He finally lifts his head and makes proper eye contact, just short of a glare. Jace is staring right back, holding his ground.

“So?” Jace pushes. 

“So what?” Alec snaps. “You think some fucking doctor is gonna help me? Because you’re wrong. Nothing’s going to  _ fix  _ me, I’m not just some broken lightbulb that can be replaced. What’s inside me’s  _ never  _ going to change, Jace, this is a _disease_ ,” Alec says, aggressively pointing to his own chest and fighting tears. He doesn’t know why tears come up every time they talk about therapy.

Jace is different than Magnus, though—he doesn’t give up and accept whatever Alec wants, (not that Magnus always does), but argues right back with the same intensity. 

“Alec, you’ve never even fucking tried it! How the hell are you supposed to know what’s happening to you or if you can be ‘fixed’ if you’ve never even tried?!”

Alec opens his mouth, then closes it, crossing his arms and sitting back stubbornly. Trying to think some calming thoughts, he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and then resumes talking. 

“Well guess what, that’s not  _ your  _ decision to make. This is my life, and I can do what I want with it.”

Jace groans. “What are you afraid of? Don’t you see that it’s probably  _ more  _ selfish  _ not  _ going because you’re hurting everyone around you with your behavior? We  _ just  _ want you to get better, Alec—”

“Jace just shut the fuck up and drop it, okay?”

Jace sniffs, broadening his shoulders and lifting his chin. He thinks for a moment before saying, “can you promise me you’ll at least think about?” 

Alec sets his lips in a thin, unhappy line. Before he can think about it, Alec says “fine” in the most bratty and petty way he can, just because he wants to. He’s probably going to laugh at himself later for acting like this, in fact, if this gets resolved, they probably both will, but he doesn’t care.

“Thanks, man,” Jace says. His eyes aren’t really shiny anymore, at least not with tears. He looks more excited and…relieved. Alec feels that too.

Looking back on it now, he can’t actually believe that that conversation even just happened. He can’t wait to tell Magnus. And also kick Magnus for talking to Jace and not telling him, but mostly tell him. 

“So uh,” Jace says, squirming a little and shifting around. “I’m really glad I talked to Magus. And therefore talked to you.”

Alec smirks. He knows how awkward Jace can be, and he knows how much confidence it must’ve taken to say that. “Yeah. I’m glad too.”

Jace nods quickly. His face is brighter now, more human. Alec still feels frozen where he is, so he doesn’t even know how to move when Jace lunges forward after a small moment’s hesitation and pummels him down in a lung-crushing hug. Alec should want to push him off, he shouldn’t be ready to jump back into their friendship, but…it doesn’t even feel awkward anymore. It actually feels really nice. So he stays, puts his hand on Jace’s waist and sighs deeply, inhaling Jace’s charcoal, soapy smell. It’s a bit of an awkward angle, but Alec can’t deny how much relief he feels to actually be able to do this with his former best friend again. 

They break apart smiling, and Jace pats him on the back once before leaving, a trail of happiness and a new start in his wake. Alec grins to himself. 

“So you talked?!” Magnus says ecstatically over the phone, his voice edging off slightly from the loud commotion of the street he’s on. 

“Yeah,” Alec says, digging his toes into his carpet as he leans against his wall. He speaks quietly, making sure that Jace won't hear from any area of the house, because that would just be embarrassing. 

“That’s great!” Alec scowls, deciding to save his scolding speech for when Magnus gets here. 

“Yeah well, don’t get too happy about it, because we need to  _ talk  _ when you get here,” Alec says.

“Why?” Magnus says slowly. A car beeps on the other line, and Magnus swears. Again. Alec snorts.

“Oh, you’ll know why,” Alec says, holding back another laugh. Magnus is starting to sound out of breath as he speeds up, and Alec’s lips toy with a smile. He turns and looks out the window, remembering Magnus standing in that exact spot a couple days ago throwing rocks at his window like the cheesy man he is. Now he finds himself not being able to hold back a smile. 

“Are you close? I wanna yell at you already,” Alec teases.    


Magnus makes a little frustrated groan. “I’m trying my best. I’m about to turn onto the street of your house, so don’t fret,” Magnus says, strained. Alec laughs a little.

A couple uninteresting arguements about random topics later, Magnus is at Alec’s door, and thankfully, his mom  _ isn’t  _ here this time. Damn. He should really introduce her to Magnus but…whatever. 

Alec jumps down the stairs, narrowly avoiding slipping on his wooden floors because he chose his extra fluffy socks today. He passes Jace in a blur in the kitchen, just seeing a flash of his blond hair at table as he races to the door. He comes nose to nose to Magnus, because the door was already open and Magnus is half-inside. Alec grins and giggles, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Magnus’s neck and fall into his embrace. Magnus reciprocates, still panting a little and sweaty probably from his fast walk here, but all the same just as eager to hug him right back. 

“Hi,” Alec says into his ear. “Took you long enough.”

Magnus chuckles breathlessly, letting him go. “Yeah, you’ve reminded me.”   


Alec giggles and drags him by the hand through the house. He’s wearing a sparkly and loose black tank top with a white jean jacket and skinny jeans that go heartily over his belly button. He hastily shucks off his black doc martins before Alec can take him upstairs. 

“Is there a reason you're so fancy today?” Alec asks. Jace is hiding a smirk behind his cereal spoon as they pass him in the kitchen, and Alec rolls his eyes with a smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, darling,” Magnus says smugly. “This is a common every-day outfit for me.”

“Oh sure,” Alec breathes. They laugh going up the stairs, and Alec’s blood sings with excitement. 

“Okay, so,” Magnus says once they’ve safely gotten in his room and closed the door. “You talked to Jace? Like about everything?”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “And  _ he  _ told me that  _ you  _ guys talked.” Alec puts his hands on his hips and pretends to act angry. 

“Oh,” Magnus says sheepishly. “Yeah, I, uh—”

“Didn’t tell me about it?” Alec finishes for him. 

“Well, I was afraid you’d be angry at me for like, even talking to him in the first place. Or hurt or something, I don’t know, please don’t be mad.”

Alec softens. “Of course I’m not. I mean I kind of would’ve been if Jace and I hadn’t just worked things out but as it turns out…that actually helped. So thank you.”

Magnus’s face lights up.

“Okay, thank God,” Magnus sighs, flopping down on his bed like he’d been holding back before. He leans back so that his jean jacket is stretched and his tank top rides up his stomach, his legs crossed and lying lazily off the edge of his bed. “So. Tell me what happened. Tears, heartbreak, friendship renewal?”

Alec shrugs. “I wouldn’t say it was  _ that  _ intense, because, well, it wasn’t, but it was pretty hard. I did nothing; Jace was the one who came and actually started talking to me…which is honestly good because I don’t think I would’ve had the balls to ever talk to him myself.”

Magnus snorts at that. “Courtesy of me,” he says proudly.

Alec rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay.” He sits down criss-cross next to Magnus, peeling off his scratchy socks because they’re uncomfortable. Magnus stares at him with a weird look in his eyes, one Alec’s never seen him have before. 

“What is it?” Alec says hesitantly. He recognizes that look faintly, like it’s on the tip of his tongue. The slightly scrunched eyebrows, a confused pair of cat-like eyes on him and his mouth slightly open. It all goes away in about three seconds. 

“Nothing, nothing,” Magnus says fast, looking away. “So tell me what happened next.”

So Alec explains everything that happened and everything that they talked about, how he and Jace both admitted that they want things to go back to the way they were even though it was easier said than done. How Alec basically got everything off his chest that he’d been wanting to for the past couple of months. It was painful, but he had to admit, it felt good in the end.  _ And _ , of course, the end result turned out good. He and Jace agreed that they wanted to talk and be friends again, without the fear and the sweating (at least for Alec) and the awkwardness. It might take a while to get used to, he tells Magnus, but the conclusion is that they got the guts to talk. 

“Wow,” Magnus says once Alec’s finished. “I’m proud of you. Honestly.”   


“Thanks therapist,” Alec says fondly, forgetting to tease this time. Magnus grins and ruffles his hair. 

“No problem. I’m really glad you guys worked things out,” Magnus says. Alec sighs, rubbing his face all over with his hands. 

“Me too, but it was pretty mentally exhausting. I just need, like, a brain break.”

Magnus chuckles, straightening up and standing. “Me too. But mostly a pee break, because I chugged an entire monster energy on the way here.”   


Alec laughs. “Okay.”

Magnus tip-toes off to the bathroom in a little dance as Alec falls all the way back against his pillows, hands folded and resting on his sternum. Another siren is working it’s way through busy New York, and Alec keeps thinking about how much more annoying that would be if he lived in a busier part of town. Oh well. It’s annoying enough already. 

Trees outside are officially stripped of their brown, ugly leaves and winter is settling down on his town like a cold blanket, full of new surprises inside. Looking back at it now, Alec would’ve never thought a couple of months ago he and Jace would’ve ever even  _ had  _ this conversation, which is probably why it’s so shocking to him now.

His mind feels like a whirl wind of emotions and feelings, like a tornado that’s going through a constant circle of random thoughts that are keeping him from staying sane. It’s like the gears in his brain are working faster than normal, faster than they should, and it’s most likely what’s exhausting him. 

When Magnus comes back in the room after the loud whoosh of water running from the toilet flushing echoes through the empty and silent house, Alec holds his arms out needily for a hug. Magnus cooes and drops down to scoop him up, properly coddling him in the blankets. 

“Can we just sleep our problems away?” Alec says, his eyes already closing as he nuzzles into Magnus’s shirt. He smells like coffee and sweet lotion. 

“Sounds perfect to me,” says Magnus. Alec feels warm and safe in Magnus’s arms, and with that he takes it upon himself to slowly lull down to sleep, shutting down his rocketing brain and erasing all his negative and paranoid thoughts. He reminds himself it’s going to be alright one last time before going to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe. Jace and Alec development. I did it. *High fives self* Okay comment for me and tell me I did a good job too because this was stressful :)


	12. Sweet Creature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry this took forever to come out, it's lOnG and I'm bUsY okAy?! Jk I don't have a life, I'm just lazy whoops. At least I'm honest. Anyway, side note before you read (plz read this) I KNOW it's not Christmas or New Year's time, I just felt like writing it around then. AND I know I talked about a New Year's party in the beginning and then talked about Christmas, but like,, I mean I meant he's going to New Year's party but Christmas still hasn't come yet. I know my story makes no fucking sense I don't even-  
> Also, the next one might take a little longer to come out too, sorry, I'm trying to take a little break from writing to get my inspiration back because that helped last time. If literally a single soul's even wasting their vision on this. But I swear I'm not going to be one of those fanfic authors who say they swear they're going to finish the story but in reality they said that four years ago or something, I swear I'll get it to you. I'll try in like the span of a month, but if it's longer than that, I swear it won't be anywhere near over two. At least I don't take like 9 months or something. Okay sorry I'll stop comparing myself to other fanfic writers this sounds offensive-  
> Wow, longest author's note and chapter all together, this is a record. I think I'm done now, if anyone of you even have any shits left to give about this story.   
> ALSO EXPLICIT WARNING IN THIS CHAP TURN AWAY ANY FETUS EYES FOR THE SEXINESS. OR READ IT IDC SEXINESS IS PRETTY AWESOME.  
> HAPPY READING.

New Year’s was just around the corner for New York, and really, the rest of America, and Alec Lightwood is dreading it. The time of the year when everyone goes to parties and gets shit-faced and kisses while the ball drops—it disgusts him. That  _ might _ have to do with the fact that Alec’s lame and has never been invited to any of those cool parties, but Alec doesn’t like to think like that. 

However, of course, this year, Magnus is dragging him to one. One that includes his friends. 

“Magnusss,” Alec whines. “C’mon, wouldn’t it be so much better if we stayed at home? We could just watch a movie, relax,” Alec continues in a soothing tone, hoping to convince his boyfriend.

Magnus says no. 

“Sweetie, I know you hate social interactions, but this isn’t optional. It’s a New Year’s party! We’re starting the New Year! You’ve gotta be more excited. And plus, this is what people do on New Year’s. They go to parties and have a good time, which I  _ promise  _ you, you will have.”

“You can’t promise that,” Alec grumbles. Today, Alec’s slept over at Magnus’s place because for once Magnus doesn’t have an early classes in the morning, and they’d spent nearly all last night arguing as Magnus convinced, or more accurately, forced Alec into agreeing to going to a pub party with his friends. Of course, he was welcome to bring his own friends, except for the fact that the only real friend he has is Jace and Jace  _ definitely  _ already has plans for that day. So fuck.

Now he watches Magnus get ready in front of his mirror, something he’s never bothered really doing except for putting on clothes. He knows Magnus knows it's still a few days away, yet he prepares like it's in fifteen minutes. He wears makeup, sort of a lot of it too. Alec would  _ never _ , ever admit it, but makeup’s sort of fascinated him. In a way that makes him maybe one day want to try it, but he knows he would never have the guts. So he sighs and studies Magnus doing it, Magnus who is definitely more skilled and precise at it than he would be. He can smell the products from where he’s sitting in the armchair besides Magnus’s desk, a mix of sweet flowers, a sort of chemical fruit (that still smells good) and…coconut?

“How do you know what you’re doing?” Alec asks mindlessly. Magnus gives him a sidelong look from where he’s carefully drawing a line with a black pen looking thing across his eyelid. 

“I may watch youtube videos,” says Magnus. He’s perched forward in a funny position on his chair so he can properly see himself in his mirror. 

“Oh,” Alec deadpans. “You ‘may’?”

Magnus shrugs. “I don’t like to admit it, but I really wouldn’t know crap without beauty gurus existing, so.”   


Alec barks out a small laugh, leaning back in his chair and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“Why do you ask, darling? Want me to teach you one day?” Magnus says. 

“Wh—I don’t—no,” Alec says quickly. “I was just…wondering.” Fuck. His face is red and he knows it. Really, he doesn’t know how he can hide any emotion now without the world still knowing from his stupid cheeks. Magnus turns to him for a second and winks, flaunting the eye that’s all dressed up with powders and colors. 

“Sure,” he says. 

Alec rolls his eyes, pretending to act annoyed. From the look on Magnus’s face, he’s pretty sure it didn’t work. 

“Okay, so,” Alec says fast, changing the subject. “What time is this party on Saturday?”

“Seven. P.M.” Magnus adds. “So you can at least have the day to yourself, since you hate it so much.”

Alec immediately feels guilty. “No, no, I don’t—it’s not that I  _ hate  _ it—”   


Magnus cuts him off, laughing. “I”m just joking, cutie. Don’t worry.”

Alec groans and buries his head in his knees. “I’m not ‘cute’,” he complains quietly, though he’s secretly pleased. Magnus doesn’t say anything else, just chuckles softly like that’s the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said. 

A few more swipes of lipstick and hair gel later, Magnus is standing up and turning around in a full circle in front of Alec, showing off his look. He has on a blue jean jacket with no sleeves and a long sleeve, green turtle neck underneath, accompanied with tight leather pants. 

“You look…nice.” Alec’s proud for saying this, and he can tell Magnus is too. Before Magnus can say something like ‘I know’, Alec asks, “What’s with the jean jackets lately?”

“Oh, I’m going through a bit of a jean jacket phase. Middle school, I know. I just think they’re cute again, I don’t know,” Magnus sighs, looking down on himself a little self-consciously. That shouldn’t be allowed in the world, Magnus Bane feeling insecure. 

“Oh no, I just mean—well, there’s nothing wrong with them, you look fantastic.”

Magnus beams, no longer straightening out his clothes. “Thanks sweetheart.”   


Alec smiles back shyly. “Okay but, anyway, why are you even so dressed up today? Is there a special occasion or...?”

Magnus shrugs, rummaging through his messy desk drawers for a second before taking out a purple, shiny look spray and covering his face with it. “I just felt like it. It’s one of those days. I just wanted to be fancy.”   


“I see. And…I mean, this might be a stupid question, but is that spray even for your face?” Alec asks, a little concerned. 

Magnus laughs. “Of course it is. It’s a setting spray.”

“Oh, I see.” Alec doesn’t see at all.

Magnus snorts. “Sure you do. Now, in celebration of no early classes today, let’s go out for breakfast! I know this cute little bakery down my street. It makes the best croissants, and I know the girl who works there.”   


Alec sighs, standing up slowly and yawning. “Okay.”

“What is it? Are you tired?” Magnus frets, tucking back a loose strand of his hair. Alec blushes again. 

“Nah, it’s fine. I just, like, yawn a lot. I’m weird.”

Magnus gives him a soft little smile, the one that looks like it’s talking directly to his heart. “I would never think your weird.”   


They share this sweet moment where they’re both staring into each other’s eyes, basking in the morning sun shining down on them from Magnus’s big windows and the way it illuminates each other’s faces.

And then Magnus kisses him, slow and careful, but long enough to make Alec’s knees go a little weak.

“Alright, off for food!” Magnus says not even a second after pulling away. Alec, a little dazed, follows after him to the door, stumbling over his own feet. 

“O—okay, yeah,” Alec says, following after him hastily. “Where are we going again?” Alec swears the smallest touches from Magnus can turn his brain into complete mush. It’s ridiculous. He thinks it has to be some sort of scientific thing.

Magnus sighs as he laces up his boots. “It’s called Le Sunset. It’s French, of course, and it’s the only place that I’ve been to in America that makes actual good French-like croissants. Just the right amount of butter, just the right amount of dough…mwah!” Magnus exclaims dreamily.

Alec frowns. “And how do you know what good French-like croissants taste like? Have you been to France?”

Magnus smirks. “I have actually.”   


Alec flushes, ducking his head. “Oh.”

Magnus laughs, taking his hand. Alec feels a strange texture before realizing Magnus had put on leather gloves. Of course he did. “It’s okay darling, how were you supposed to know? But anyway, the croissants there were  _ amazing,  _ and even though these don’t compare, I can’t wait for you to try one. Have you ever had a croissant?”

Alec shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Oh lord,” Magnus says, his face scrunching up adorably. “This is gonna be fun.”

As they walk out, they pass Magnus’s sort of crazy neighbor Miguel again, who’s babbling at them while pointing at his coat. Magnus gives him a thumbs up and Alec smiles politely, even though he’s confused. 

“Is Miguel always like that? Seriously, I can never understand a word he’s saying,” Alec laughs as they step out into the street. A cold wind wafts over them immediately, and Alec holds onto Magnus’s hand a little tighter as he shivers. Which makes him feel like a child but. Oh well.

“Yeah. That’s just what he’s like. Hilarious. Adorable, though. Old people are so cute.”

Alec laughs quietly. He may have been a little tempted to counter back "but do you know who's even cuter?" and say Magnus of course, but just thinking of that made him cringe so hard.

As they walk down the street filled with couples and traffic and pedestrians, Alec can’t help but be proud of himself for actually walking down the street holding another guy’s hand. He’s holding hands with a  _ boy.  _ Back when he was in high school, he couldn’t even have  _ thought  _ about himself doing that without drowning in fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of being ridiculed and bullied. Fear of rejection from his friends and family. And although his life may a big mess now, he can’t help but realize how much better he’s doing. He’s doing it. He’s holding hands with a boy. And he doesn’t even care who sees. 

Okay, maybe he cares just a little, but the point is he's doing so much better. And he feels like he hasn't had bad anxiety flare-ups in weeks. Maybe it's because he met Magnus. That thought alone brings butterflies to his stomach two seconds later, and he ducks his head and tries not to blush.

“What? What is it?” Magnus asks as they cross a street and Magnus’s catches Alec staring at him from under his bangs as he looks both ways. “Why are you staring at me?”

Alec shakes his head quickly. “Oh, noth—just—nothing.”

“No no no, you’ve gotta tell me now.” Magnus smiles smugly. Alec scowls.

Alec hadn’t honestly even noticed he was staring at him. Oh well. Sue him. Magnus is pretty fun to look at. “I just—I…you’re pretty nice to look at.” As soon as he says it he covers his face with his free hand, burning in embarrassment. That sounded  _ much  _ better in his head.    


Magnus giggles and ruffles his hair, which Alec knows does more damage than what he meant because of the ridiculous winds today. “Okay. Sure. You know I always get your secrets out of you, so you might as well just tell them to me head-on.”

Alec snorts, whacking Magnus in the arm with the back of his hand. 

Suddenly, Magnus gasps and changes the subject. “We’re here!” he announces, proudly lifting his arms high and triumphant under the black and green striped sign and with a funky, scribbled font that says  _ Le Sunset _ . There are pictures of sunsets hung up all around the two broad, displayed windows, except all of them have a croissant in place of the sun. Magnus explains about the croissants again, probably for the fiftieth time, as Alec nods along and gives him supportive thumbs up, trying to hide the fact that all he wants is some food. 

They walk inside once Magnus is finished speaking, becoming hand-in-hand again. It smells like warm dough and sugar inside, which is understandable for a bakery. The place is nearly empty, only a few busy college kids typing away at something on their Macbooks in a small corner seat. The windows brighten everything completely, especially with the angle that the sun’s at, and it makes Alec wonder why they’re even using lights inside at this point. 

Magnus tells Alec to find a seat and goes up to order for them, insisting on paying no matter how much Alec protests. He says it’s going to be a surprise but that Alec’s definitely going to love it. Alec chooses a booth the closest to one of those huge windows as he can get.

“I hope you know I’m trusting you with a huge responsibility here,” Alec says, squinting teasingly when Magnus comes back. “I don’t usually let people choose my food for me.”

Magnus throws his head back and laughs, sliding into the booth across from him. “Did I not tell you already about the amazing croissants this place has?”

Alec chuckles. “You know, I think you mentioned it once or twice.”   


“Right, well, you’ll just have to trust me on  that _ , _ ” says Magnus with a smirk. Alec rolls his eyes. 

A few minutes later, their food comes, and Magnus decides to come sit next to Alec in their booth thing. 

“This is weird,” Alec states.

“What is?”

“Sitting next to you like this. I’ve always sat across from someone in a booth.”

Magnus shrugs. “Well, you’re gonna have to get used to this, because I want to be with you. As close as possible. Right here.”

The food, of course, is croissants. A lady with bright lipstick and pigtails hands it to them. Magnus can barely hold himself back from taking the plate right from her as he boils in excitement. He starts chowing his down immediately, attacking it from the side while Alec patiently nibbles at a few corners, watching Magnus amusedly. 

“What are you doing?” Magnus asks, pausing with a mouthful of food to stare at him. “Why aren’t you eating?”

“I am,” Alec insists. “It’s good.”

“Just good? Oh no no no honey, these croissants are much much more than that. Croissants don’t even cover that word.”

Alec chuckles. “Alright, Mr. Obsessed. What is it with you and croissants?”

Magnus shrugs. “I just happen to have a sweet tooth for…well, you know. Croissants.”

Alec snorts into his food. The day carries on typically, the two of them chatting about their day, school (for Magnus, at least), whatnot. Alec wonders if this entitles a date between them, if everything they do now is gonna mean it’s a date. That feels so strange. Alec’s never hung out with a person like that (well, obviously), and the funny thing is, they don’t even act coupley on these whatever-you-call-it’s. It all feels natural with Magnus. There's no awkward moments or hesitations. He feels like if these are supposed to be dates, they should be trying to be more…romantic and stuff but the great thing about this is that they’re not straining themselves to do that. Izzy had told him that a big reason she broke up with her last boyfriend was because they tried too hard to make it work, to be a couple when they were just better destined to be friends. But he and Magnus, they’re casual. They’re fun. Maybe this is why it was so easy to open up to Magnus. Maybe this is why Alec feels like he’s already known him for years. Maybe this is why he might be falling a little—

Oh  _ shit. _

“And—you know, I get the sense you aren’t listening to me, Alexander.”   


Heat rises to his face. “Uh—yeah—no, I am I am. Continue.” Alec starts to sweat, a little. 

“Okay, so—”

Wait. 

“Wait.”

“What?”

“Alexander?”

Magnus’s brow furrows. “What about it? Is that not your real name?”

“Well, no, I mean, it is. You just—why did you call me that?” Alec says, baffled. 

Magnus shrugs. “I wanted to try it out. I think I like it better than Alec. Feel like it sounds more elegant.”

Alec crumples a little. “Oh—well—yeah, I guess.”

Magnus laughs and shakes his head, running a few fingertips through Alec’s hair. Alec likes it when Magnus does that. A lot. 

His face must be portraying some of that though, or  _ something  _ because Magnus chooses this next moment to lean in real close and drag his lips lazily along his throat a little as he whispers, “Why don’t we take it back to my place today? More…privacy.”

If that was supposed to help Alec feel less nervous and sweaty, it certainly did not help. Especially since they're in a public place. But he nods carefully. That definitely seems more interesting than the things he had planned for the rest of his day. Which was approximately nothing. 

“Okay,” Magnus says sultrily. Why does he have the ability to make everything he says sexy like that? Alec couldn’t imagine having the confidence to do that.

Magnus pays the women with the funky hair and makeup, politely leaving a probably excessive tip on the table. Alec waits by the door, trying to give himself some sort of pep talk because he really doesn’t have a single clue what’s going to happen next or if he’s even prepared for it. 

The walk to Magnus’s isn’t the worst—Alec isn’t acting like a total ball of nerves on the outside (he thinks) which is a good sign for him and Magnus isn’t suggesting anything else, so Alec thinks his heart calms down just a fraction. But this is also the first time they’ve been alone at Magnus’s place with one, a lot of time and two, Magnus suggesting that something may actually happen. 

Okay, Alec’s definitely overthinking this. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” Magnus says as he takes out his keys. He has a lanyard with bananas and monkeys on a black background along with a whole of string of random tacky key chains. 

“Sure,” Alec says, his voice cracking. Wonderful.

Magnus side eyes him as they’re walking up the stairs. “You look nervous. Why are you nervous?”

Alec almost trips up the stairs. He didn’t expect Magnus to notice, nevermind call him  _ out  _ on it, but damn. He was wrong. “I—I’m fine, what’re you talking about?” Alec immediately knows that that was the most unconvincing voice he could’ve managed the second he sees the look on Magnus’s face, but thankfully, Magnus just holds his hands up in surrender and doesn’t say anything more. Maybe Alec’s reading this situation wrong. 

“So what’d you feel like watching?” Magnus says casually, falling back onto his light wash blue couch and tucking his feet up on the armrests. Alec cocks his head.   


“Dunno. Whatever.”

“Well, you choose.”

Alec glares at him. “You know I don’t like choosing.”

Magnus rolls his eyes fondly. “Alright, alright. But you probably won’t like my pick. I choose Mean Girls.”

Alec of course immediately groans and turns away, insisting on something else but Magnus has already made his decision, and before Alec knows it he’s renting it.    


“Come on, it’s a good movie, you haven’t even seen it. You might like it,” Magnus says, shifting so he’s sitting up so Alec can squeeze in next to him on his couch. 

“Yeah, well I don’t have to see it to know. Word from Izzy is just…enough already.” 

Magnus snorts, wrapping an arm around him casually once they’re settled.  _ Casually. _

“Well either she didn’t tell it right or she did and you just didn’t…hear it right. Either way, this movie is bomb and we’re watching it.”

Alec laughs a little nervously; if he’s honest with himself, he sort of stopped listening to Magnus after he mentioned Izzy. He got a little distracted when he was reminded of the reason he was nervous to come here in the first place after Magnus started…touching him. 

God, he’s pathetic. 

The movie’s starting before Alec realizes, and Magnus stands up for a half a second to dim the lights and shut the curtains before they’re curled up together again. And yes, he means literally  _ curled up.  _ Like two kittens. Alec’s just tucked his face into Magnus’s neck with his head on his shoulder while Magnus has two hands wrapped around him and holding him close. Both of their knees are close to their chest, making it feel even more tight and cozy. It really puts him in a Chistmas-y mood, which he supposes is a good thing because Christmas  _ is  _ on its way quite soon. 

“Why aren’t we watching some Christmas movie? Isn’t Netflix like basically sponsored by those around the holidays? We didn’t need to pay to rent this.”   


Alec feels Magnus’s body shake a little with laughter but no sounds come out. “We could, I suppose. But I just think this one is much better, don’t you?”

“I mean, I’ve barely seen five minutes of it. The beginning credits just ended.”

Magnus huffs out a little exhale. “Right, well, shut up it’s starting now.”   


Alec laughs. “Okay.”

The plot of the movie becomes a little lost to Alec fifteen minutes in; it just seems like a bunch of obnoxious high school girls to him, he doesn’t see how it got to be so popular. And he totally would mention this Magnus if it weren’t for the way he’s looking with such a passion and intrigue at the screen, though Alec knows he’s seen the movie before. He tries looking over at him to catch his eye, because frankly, he’s bored, but Magnus either ignores him for the movie or doesn’t notice. Which is great. 

Another fifteen minutes later, Alec’s starting to get hot. Magnus’s arms are still around him and his sweater is itchy and thick and starting to stick to his skin a little. He shifts around uncomfortably, seriously wishing he had a shirt underneath so he could take his sweater off. 

“Stop moving,” Magnus whispers after a while of this. Alec sighs loudly, jerking around one last time before sitting still.

“Sorry, I’m just hot.”

At this, Magnus side eyes him with some weird glint in his eye. Alec doesn’t trust it. “Then take off your shirt.”

Alec squirms a little. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not wearing anything underneath this,” Alec says shyly and awkwardly. Ah, his two favorite combinations.    


“Who cares?” Magnus says, completely aloof. “I’ve seen it before. In fact, I wouldn’t mind seeing that again—”

Alec turns red and smacks him on the arm. “Oh, shut up.”

Magnus takes a break to chuckle, but he still continues and pushes Alec. “I’m serious, though. Just take it off. It’s no big deal.”

Alec stays put, saying nothing. 

“Alec, what are you so afraid of?” Magnus says gently, pretending to be entranced in the movie still but Alec can tell he’s not paying attention anymore. 

“I just don’t like my body. It’s not a big deal,” Alec says defensively, hugging in on himself even more. He feels Magnus’s eyes on him now, but he doesn’t look back.

Slow hands are sliding up and down Alec’s arm in a comforting manner suddenly, and Alec closes his eyes tightly. He wishes his boyfriend didn’t have to be so supportive. It would make this so much easier. 

“Alright, I won’t push you. But you have nothing to be afraid or self-conscious of. I’ve seen you. You’ve seen me. Do you think I’m ugly?”

Alec scoffs, spluttering a little as he tries thinking of a sarcastic response but he’s so surprised his brain doesn’t even come up with anything. “No, of course not.”   


“And I don’t think you’re ugly either. Imagine how it would feel if I called myself ugly all the time. You have to accept your body Alec; it’s the only one you’re going to get.”   


Well fuck. Alec hates it when other people are right, but…he’s making a damn good point.

“You know, you should become a lawyer,” Alec suggests. 

“Okay, I’ll think about it,” Magnus jokes. Alec loosens up a bit, smiling and forcing himself to relax. He can do this. Maybe everything will be fine. Maybe he’s just being dramatic. 

He still doesn’t take it off until  _ another  _ fifteen minutes later, when he’s sure his sweater is producing heat by this point. 

“Fuck it,” he says roughly, pulling himself away from Magnus and ripping it off in one quick motion before tucking himself back in just as fast, as if he never left. He feels scared and exposed, and he knows Magnus can tell when he starts petting over his arms again soothingly. Well, Alec isn’t complaining. It feels nice. 

Magnus doesn’t say anything about it, which Alec greatly appreciates, but his hands are shaking a little as they drag up and down Alec’s arms. At least Alec knows he’s not going to do something ridiculous now like melt into the floor. 

Something interesting apparently happens in the film a second later, and Magnus gasps as his hands abruptly stop their motions. Alec holds back a laugh, pretending to be watching too. Not as invested as Magnus is, but at least watching in some way. 

However, this turns to looking back at Magnus so much he’s now ended up fully staring at him. 

Apparently, this turns out being a not-so-good decision for Alec, because he really tends to underestimate how gorgeous this man is. His eyes. His shiny yellow-green eyes that are so entranced in the dumbest things, like a puppy going on a walk. His stupidly perfectly gelled hair. Alec wonders how many tutorials he had to look up to make it the way that it is, but he doesn’t want to come off strange asking that. God, just every feature on his face is like pure perfection, which is the cheesiest thing Alec’s ever come up with in his head, he’s sure, but there’s no better way to describe it.

Magnus’s lips suddenly stretch out into a small smirk, a portion of his left cheek gaining the smallest dimple. Well  _ fuck.  _

“I can see you staring,” he murmurs. “Stop it, you’re distracting me.”   


Alec turns away quickly, wanting to melt into the ground even more now. His face is probably neon red by this point, so he’s thankful for the dark room. For that small amount of time, he’d forgotten entirely that he’s shirtless, and now it’s the only thing he can think about. Which is definitely not a good thing, because he’s starting to get a little overwhelmed. It’s like every sense he has is enhanced; he gets all shivery every time Magnus moves even a little, just because he can feel the movement against his bare skin. He still feels like he’s overheating now, but he’s starting to recognize  _ this  _ feeling as something  _ slightly  _ different from the hot he was feeling before. 

No no no no no no  _ no,  _ now is the absolute  _ worst  _ time in the world to get horny. He wishes he had some sort of switch that he could flip to turn it off, tell if to fuck right off, but the more he thinks about it he’s pretty sure the worse it’s getting. 

It’s like all of a sudden the past few weeks are catching up to him in a dizzy rush; he and Magnus getting together, him dating for the first time, him dating a  _ boy  _ for the first time and actually being okay with it now, him  _ kissing  _ a boy, being close to the type of person he’s literally dreamed about being close to for so long…ohgodohgodohgod. 

Alec desperately tries thinking of—of saggy breasts or rotten fruit or something disgusting like that to get his damn mind off of it, off of  _ Magnus  _ but  _ fuckfuckfuck  _ it isn’t working, it isn’t working at  _ all  _ because no matter what he thinks of Magnus is still here, still this close to him, still his boyfriend and still the person who’s touching him basically all over his bare chest, innocently. Well, innocently to Magnus. Alec here’s about to have a freaking seizure. 

He doesn’t know why his body has to do this to him. He doesn’t know why it has to automatically decide when he’s going to get hard, even though there are two very possible and real reasons he could be; he’s bored, and not only is he in the presence of an awesomely pretty person, that awesomely pretty person has their hands  _ around him.  _ He’s now starting to wonder how he never got hard before. 

But there’s more cons than pros. One of them? He’s getting increasingly more uncomfortable and  _ increasingly  _ more obvious in his jeans. Thank all the actual  _ gods  _ for the dark room and Mean Girls (a thought Alec never thought he would be thinking), because if not…he doesn’t even know what he would do. 

Well that doesn’t matter, he needs to figure out something to do anyway, because he’s not just going to sit around here hard with Magnus next to him completely unknowing. 

However, the hard thing about doing that is that…well, he’s  _ hard.  _ That’s basically all that’s on his mind and the more it’s there the more all he can think about is taking care of it, in the good way. Now, of course, Alec knows somewhere in the rational section of his mind that there’s no possible situation in the current time where he would somehow get Magnus to… _ fix  _ it for him, but the irrational part of his brain grows about a whole two-thirds larger whenever he’s hard, almost like he's drunk. It sucks. Because all his brain’s coming up with his  _ Magnus Magnus Magnus _ , how Magnus is right next to him and how Magnus is his boyfriend and perfectly capable of helping him and how Magnus—

“You okay?” Magnus asks. Alec jerks, his first move being to cover his crotch of course, before realizing a second later that’s the most obvious thing he could possibly do. So he panics on what to do with his hands for the next few seconds before looking up and seeing Magnus hasn’t even taken his eyes off the screen. Alec sighs, dropping his arms. He’s a mess. 

“Uh, uh—yeah, yeah of course,”—why does his voice need to sound so weird and throaty when he’s turned on?—”Why do you ask?”

Alec may not be being completely idiotic and covering his area with his full hand not-so-subtly, but he’s still slightly folded in on himself in some sort of attempt to hide it, because he really wouldn’t know how to live with himself if Magnus found out. 

Damn. He has a pretty big problem.

Magnus’s eyes scan over him for a second, and Alec may just be imagining it, but they seem to spend a half a second longer on his crotch, go wide, then look back to the television screen like nothing changed, which makes Alec’s heart skyrocket. 

“No reason,” Magnus says coolly. Okay, okay, Alec needs to calm down. Take a breath. He probably didn’t see. 

As Alec suffers through his brainstorming, panicky fiasco, he doesn’t notice how Magnus shifts and move himself so that they’re now more like sitting next to each other innocently instead of completely wrapped together. Alec has to say, he appreciates this a lot more, but also another alarm goes off in his head because dear god what if Magnus did that because he  _ did  _ notice and he’s uncomfortable and he’s subtly trying to tell him that he doesn’t want to do this right now—

Magnus places his hand on Alec’s thigh. 

Alec’s heart does a flip. 

Well. That is  _ certainly  _ not helping. 

_ God, curse me for having genitalia that have to be  _ noticeable  _ when I’m horny. _

Alec figures he may as well give up by this point because there’s no way in hell that Magnus hasn’t noticed now. And, well, it can’t be a  _ bad  _ sign that he’s not being shoved away and told shameful things, so maybe Magnus is…

Alec takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He’s not going to let himself think thoughts right now that can cause any more arousement than he’s already feeling, because that can only end in disaster. 

Holy shit holy  _ shit _ —

It’s when Magnus starts moving his hand up and down Alec’s thigh, progressively getting closer to his crotch that Alec can’t even hold back the things that he’s thinking anymore. That’s it. He’s done for. He can’t even come up with anything that might go wrong because every thought that his mind is capable of producing just basically has to do with  _ sex  _ and  _ Magnus.  _

In his peripheral vision, Alec sees Magnus turn to look at him. He knows, oh he  _ knows  _ how embarrassingly red his face is (he’s sort of figured out that’s what happens when he jerks off. Add being humiliated and he can officially be labeled as a tomato), so he doesn’t dare meet his eye in the danger of making it worse. But of course, Magnus needs to start speaking. 

“Are you completely sure you’re okay, sweetheart?” There’s something in his voice now, Alec knows, there’s something that Alec doesn’t entirely trust. Scratch that, doesn’t trust at  _ all.  _ Magnus is teasing him. He’s just fucking fucking with him. Fuck. 

Alec knows he shakes a little when he nods, and he knows he does it way too fast. Add his trembling hands and he’s sure that Magnus doesn’t even need to be told  _ consent  _ at this point, Jesus. He still refuses to look anywhere near Magnus’s direction, keeping his eyes fixated at the moving pictures on the TV screen without having a clue what’s going on. 

Maybe he sees Magnus nod and turn back, or maybe he just turns back, but either way, the torturous hand on his thigh doesn’t stop. The worst part is Magnus doesn’t move his hand any further up; he gets no relief, just pure torment from the hand. And he has a sinking feeling that Magnus isn’t going to give him what he wants until  _ he  _ says something about it. 

He squirms a little, hoping to give off the hint about where he wants Magnus’s hand, but…nothing. Exhaling loudly, he tries catching Magnus’s eye and giving him his best desperate stare, or at least  _ anything  _ that will convince him, but Magnus doesn’t even turn his head. Alec grasps a hand on the couch cushion, nearly hurting his nails from how hard he’s digging in and he puts the other one on Magnus’s wrist. 

He looks over at Magnus again, but still to no avail. Magnus’s wrist isn’t moving anymore, but quite unluckily he’d stopped it right at his upper, inner thigh, so it’s still a miserable agony for him. 

“Mag,” Alec tries. “ _ Magnus _ .”

Magnus still doesn’t turn his damn head. “Yes sweetie?”   


This stupid man is  _ good.  _ Why does he have to be so good?

“Mag—Magnus, please, can you just—” Alec whines, squirming again and trying to portray what he wants without actually…saying it. 

“Can I what?”  _ Now  _ he finally turns and gives Alec a good look over, eyes hovering over his hips for a longer moment before he slowly drags them up to pretty much gaze into Alec’s soul. Alec makes a pathetic gasping noise as he tries bucking up again. He’s almost sure now that Magnus is okay with this, that, that— _ fuck,  _ that this is something they’re actually going to do.

Oh dear lord. Are they actually going to do this? Does Alec actually want them to do this?   


Well, his body seems to be making that decision for him. Great. 

“Oh, for fuck’s—”

Magnus’s fingers stroke over the denim on his leg. “Tell me, honey,” says Magnus, faux innocent. Alec half wants to strangle him and half wants to be pinned down by him. It’s a confusing time for his brain.

Alec realizes that he’s breathing pretty loudly, his chest giving him away as he emits the tiniest grunts out every now and then. So that’s just another thing to add to the list of things he’s going to self-loathe over later. But for now he’s good with it. 

“I w—want—well,  _ God _ Magnus I know you know what I want—” Alec says in a strained voice. Magnus’s hand is  _ so close _ —   


Magnus then leans in super close, brushing his lips right against Alec’s ear like he does when he likes being a fucking tease and says in a sultry tone, “Well, what if I don’t know? What if I have no idea right now and the only way for you to get what you want is for you to  _ tell me _ ?”

Alec scowls, trying not to melt into the couch and forget about the building heat from Magnus’s hand pressing into his leg. “But—but—I don’t want to,” Alec says lamely, so lamely in fact, a little pop bubble of his insecurities sneak in and he becomes even more overwhelmed. So this is great.

Then Magnus is wrenching his hand away, the most evil expression on his face and Alec wants to scream. Actually, that would probably be an understatement.  _ Damn  _ he’s good at this. 

“Magnus—I’m not— _ ugh _ , God canyoujustpleasetouchme?” Alec’s squirming around like a lot now, his vision a little shaky. He feels disgusting and so stupid, literally begging for it as he writhes around even though  _ nothing’s fucking happening yet,  _ but he’s already given up a while ago. It’s all about how Magnus reacts now, which is why Alec is praying whatever he does does something good for the both of them.

Alec hears Magnus chuckle and then a hands on his thigh again, stroking up and down and up and down until—

“ _ Oh _ — _ Ho— _ oh god—”

Is this actually happening is Magnus actually doing this is Alec actually  _ okay  _ with this happening—

Alec really really needs to slow his brain down about ten notches, but it’s so so hard and he’s just so so tempted to  _ not  _ overthink something for once and give in, let it be. So he decides quickly that that’s what he’s going to do. At least try to do.

Magnus isn’t doing anything much, not  _ really _ ; his hand is just slowly pressing over him in short motions, repeating again and again in aching cycles. It’s just the  _ friction  _ and the  _ feeling  _ and the entire realness of this whole situation that’s happening…Alec may be doing a happy dance in his head. He can feel his heart beating all over his body, pounding in his ears and stressing him out. He’s gasping and jerking, trying to stay still for Magnus. It isn’t really working. 

He sucks in a sharp breath when he feels Magnus’s lips on his neck, licking and biting like a vampire. Alec’s just focusing all his power on not passing out by this point.

“Nnghh, Magnus,  _ Magnus _ ,” Alec whimpers. He’s pretty sure his vision is permanently blurry now because every time he tries opening his eyes, he can’t see shit. 

“Yes?” Magnus asks. “Would you want to…take this somewhere more comfortable? Like the bedroom?”

Alec stops squirming, stops moving stops talking, basically stops doing everything all at once and panics. He doesn’t show this out loud, of course, but yeah, he’s panicking.

“Alec?” Magnus’s hand has stopped abruptly and his voice is worried. “Just tell me if you’re freaking out. I’ll totally understand.”   


“No, n—no, I mean, I want to do this.” Alec’s voice cracks. He’s probably stressing Magnus out more than he’s stressing himself out, honestly. 

“Then what is it? Do you not like it?”   


Alec wants to snort, but no sound comes out. “No,  _ no,  _ of course not, it’s just…okay, I’m freaking out maybe just a little.”   


Magnus takes his hand away completely and Alec groans, bucking his hips forward without getting any sort of relief. Nonono, that’s exactly the opposite of what he wants,  _ fuck _ —

“Talk to me. It’s okay,” says Magnus. God, why does he have to be so perfect and understanding? He’s amazing, and Alec really doesn’t deserve him.

“I just…it’s just a lot of pressure, you know? I’ve never done this with anyone. Any of this.” Alec points between the two of them. “And I’m just…scared about doing it wrong, I guess. I mean, it’s a lot to think about and think about doing and—”   


Magnus holds up a hand, smiling. “Yes, I know. And we totally don’t have to.”   


A frustrated sigh makes its way out of Alec, because that wasn’t really exactly what he meant. He still wants his relief. He still wants  _ something.  _

“Wait,” he says. “I mean, I still want…I just think, well, the word bedroom seems like a lot you know? Like super official. I’m not saying I don’t want to do  _ anything, _ because that’s not true, I just mean, I mean maybe, like, not all the way?” 

Magnus stares at him for a second, trying to interpret this. Alec wishes he had the super power of common sense and searches his mind for anyway he can take back that moronic speech. He can’t think of any way to do it, which is wildly disappointing. 

“It’s alright, I totally understand. But just so you know, my bedroom is not a contract Alexander. If I ask to move to the bedroom, that’s all I’m asking.”

Well great. That makes Alec feel much better. 

“Oh,” he says shyly, his face warming up. “I—I see.”   


The moments sort of gone now, and Alec hates himself for ruining it but this time, it seems like Magnus isn’t going to give up. He stands, taking one of Alec’s hands. 

“So? Do you wanna go to the bedroom and do…how did you word it—do something not all the way but maybe halfway there?”

Alec can’t help barking out a nervous laugh as he nods probably a little too eagerly and stands with Magnus. His erection hasn’t gone down yet, of course, and he feels like he’s on display as he’s led to Magnus’s bedroom. His nerves are flaring up again, much stronger than before as he knows that this is actually going to happen, that this is official. What’s scary is he doesn’t know whether they’re good or bad nerves, but he guesses he’s about to find out. 

His mind is flashing with about a hundred different images every second that passes by, and he can’t help the wave of excitement from this new experience. Especially with someone he actually likes and trusts and who’s…experienced. Alec shivers a little, mainly because  _ fuckfuckfuck _ they’ve made it to the bedroom but also because he _ knows  _ he’s inexperienced and the adrenaline really hits him when he realizes that Magnus could probably show him  _ so _ much. 

Alec doesn’t know what he expects—maybe they’ll stand around and be awkward first or maybe they’ll jump right into it, but he doesn’t even get a chance to think or react because then Magnus is pushing him up against the closed door and kissing him hard and messy on the mouth, like it’s their last time. Jesus, he hopes it  _ isn’t  _ their last time. This being the last thing he’d been expecting, Alec knees give a little and he frantically scrambles to leave a tight grip on Magnus’s shirt, nearly clawing through it. 

Magnus is really good at this, he thinks. His lips are moving in perfect precision with Alec’s, a symphony of dancing tongues and wet lips. Alec used to  _ dream  _ all the time of doing this with someone—making out with a hot boy, and it’s still pretty hard to believe that it’s really happening right here right now and that the hot boy actually likes him back and it’s not based off some bet or something. Or at least, Alec hopes. 

After thoroughly exploring every crevice of Alec’s mouth like some sort of trained professional and making Alec a proper mess, on the outside and inside, Magnus steps back slowly. A wicked look in his eye, he bites his lip and gives Alec the dirtiest lookover he’s ever received, like he’s surveying his work. That  _ bastard.  _

Trying to gain  _ some  _ control back, Alec crosses the distance between them in one large step and pins him down to the bed right behind him, crawling up to the headboard and taking Magnus with him. Magnus gasps loudly, and Alec smirks. 

They’re kissing again once they’re all comfortable; in fact, even before that with how eager they were, but this time things are a little more interesting. Alec can feel every part of Magnus’s body touching his,  _ including  _ the lower regions. That’s what really makes Alec tingle and shudder, along with the fact that he’s on top now and in control, able to do whatever he wants with Magnus even though he knows that that’s probably a poor decision concerning his virginity. 

But he stays there anyway, kissing Magnus senseless as he chases after new feelings and presses their hips together. Both of them make small sounds in the backs of their throats, determined to keep kissing on even with blinding pleasure from just a little friction. Even though he’s never done anything like this with anyone, Alec still feels like this is just ten times better than anything else. But throw Magnus into the punch and Alec’s just absolutely losing it. 

Their bodies are starting to heat up, pressing like their going to fall into each other as they kiss. 

Magnus shucks his shirt off, and before Alec knows it they’re both in their boxers, panting hard. Of course Magnus’s are neon pink. Alec has to suppress a laugh. 

Magnus, however, oblivious to the ridiculousness of his underwear, is slowly running his hands up and down Alec’s torso, dragging his fingers and making Alec shiver. They bump over the notches from Alec’s ribs and then the small outline of his abs, and finally, when they get to Alec’s boxes, they stop. He keeps his eyes on Alec’s groin for a second longer before lifting them up to meet Alec’s gaze. Alec’s breathing a little heavy, trying not to freak out, frankly, because this is something he’s been dreaming about for so long. And not only does he trust Magnus, he knows that this moment with Magnus is going to be right, in his heart. He doesn’t think he’d feel this way about anyone else, and it’s perfect. 

But it doesn’t mean he’s still not freaking out about it.

“Alec? Are you okay? Do you really want to do this?” Magnus whispers. Their faces are so close Alec can’t see all of his features, and it’s making everything even more overwhelming. 

Alec nods. “Yeah, yes, I—I do, I really—” Alec gulps. “I swear I really do. It’s just a lot—a lot of pressure, you know.”

Magnus nods in agreement, and then nuzzles his nose in Alec’s hair. His hands are moving again, slowly breaking through the line of Alec’s boxers to the skin underneath. So slowly.  _ Painfully _ slowly. 

“That’s completely understandable,” he says, his voice a soft murmur. “No one’s ever touched you like this?” Magnus punctuates his words by tracing small circles on the skin on Alec’s lower stomach, and Alec gives a hitched gasp.   


“N—no.” He’s getting harder now, visibly so, tenting his boxers embarrassingly. He hides his face in Magnus’s neck and holds back a small whine. 

“Oh,” Magnus whispers so softly he might not have even said it. “Is this okay?”

Magnus finally moves his hand the rest of the way down, ghosting his hand over his dick. Alec’s heart is beating so so loud, and he’s panting into Magnus’s skin. He tries to say some sort of response but he just can’t with how hard he’s breathing and gasping, so he nods a little desperately against Magnus, hoping that he felt it. It seems like he did because a second later, Magnus is reaching down the full length and gripping him tightly. 

“ _ Oh _ —oh my god,” Alec gasps. The friction is unlike anything he’s ever felt—he’s always wondered what having someone _else’s_ hand on himself would feel like, and it’s completely unreal, nothing like he’s ever even tried imagining. “Fucking  _ fuck _ —” He’s squirming wildly, bucking into Magnus’s hand. Magnus chuckles darkly. 

“Does that feel good?” he says sultrily, his hand speeding up a little. Alec’s breath hitches loudly, and he bites at Magnus’s neck to keep himself from being too loud as he nods quickly. He feels his senses have been reduced, like all he can feel or see or smell is just Magnus, Magnus’s hand on him, Magnus’s warm body around him, caging him into the bed, the sweet orange smell coming from his hair. It’s lovely, but all consuming all at once. 

But then it all gets ripped away from him when Magnus takes his hand away. He makes a short, stupid, desperate noise, and then Magnus is gone entirely from the bed. When he blinks and looks up, Magnus has disappeared from the room promptly muttering something that Alec can’t quite make out because he's still recovering and getting his senses back. Alec’s heart speeds up an unhealthy amount, his stomach dropping as he quickly scans what he could’ve done wrong in his head. He can’t figure it out. 

Just as he starts coming up with most nonsensical theories in his head, Magnus comes tip-toeing back in the room with a small bottle of…lotion in his hand?   


Apparently noticing the confusion on Alec’s face, Magnus laughs and quickly goes to explain. “Just needed some lube. Might make it more comfortable.” And he winks. 

“Oh,” Alec says, resisting the urge to swat himself for becoming all sensitive about it. 

“What, did you think I just left you?”

Alec stammers, but can’t really think of a response. This is stupid. 

“Oh honey, no, that’s—” Magnus laughs again, crawling back onto the bed. “Sweetheart I would never.”

Alec purses his lips and looks away. “Yeah, yeah of course.”

Magnus looms over him again, breathing a little hard. This is the first time Alec notices that he’s actually hard too, maybe just as much as Alec. Something deep in Alec’s gut give a tug, and Alec blushes.    


“You’re going to have to get used to this treatment. You know, actually being cared for. Because I do. Care for you. A lot.”   


Alec’s face feels even hotter. “I—thank you,” he whispers, still refusing to look Magnus in the eye. He hears him starting to rub the lotion onto his hand, and takes a deep breath in anticipation. Just  _ touching  _ him felt painfully good, Alec can’t imagine it feeling it any better honestly, but oh— _ oh  _ Christ he’s so wrong.

“Oh—ohmygodohmygod  _ fuck _ —” Alec bites his lip after that, forcing himself to stop all the embarrassing noises. Magnus’s hand is so…so  _ slick  _ and  _ wet  _ and instead of rough friction it’s just a smooth glide and  _ Jesus  _ he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to handle this without passing out or making a fool of himself which he’s already pretty much doing. 

All of his senses are gone again, but this time worse. If he even tries opening his eyes, it’s just a blurry, shaky mess, almost as chaotic as his brain’s feeling. 

Every time Alec’s imagined doing this, he’s been worried that some part of it would be awkward, like a weird silence between them or something…something worse that Alec doesn’t even want to think about, especially not with Magnus’s hand literally down his pants. But there’s no awkward silence with Magnus. There hardly ever is. It’s so, so scarily natural that Alec’s almost concerned that that isn’t normal.

But it feels normal. In fact, with Magnus, everything feels so perfect. Alec doesn’t remember all his stupid diseases and insecurities and failures, Alec doesn’t remember all his embarrassments and fears and regrets and everything that makes him hate himself, and…and he doesn’t even care. Because being with Magnus makes him feel like a changed person, makes him feel completely different.

No one’s ever even thought of looking like Alec in the way that Magnus is now. Alec’s vision has cleared up, a little, and all he can see is the fierce gaze from Magnus’s eyes. It’s so intimate, being so close like they are that Alec almost wants to shy away from the look. It’s, it’s  _ feral.  _

“Oh, oh— _ oh _ —” Alec can’t stop moaning, he can’t stop all the noises coming out of his mouth and  _ fuck _ he doesn’t want this to end, he doesn't want this to be over so soon but he can’t fucking help it. Magnus’s hand speeding up, the lotion drying up a little but still it feels so so good and sweet, Alec can’t—he  _ can’t hold back _ —

When Alec comes for the first time from someone else’s hand other than his own, his entire world stops moving. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t breathe, either, but what does he know. Oh yeah, he knows absolutely nothing because his brain is complete mush. He probably wouldn’t even be able to guess his own name when it’s over, which is  _ ridiculously  _ funny to him, because that’s only shit you read about. 

When he manages to get his eyes open again, (which is not an easy task), he sees Magnus’s hand working desperately on himself, tugging and pulling like it’s an old habit before he’s burying his face into Alec’s neck with a groan and coating Alec’s poor stomach with come alongside Alec’s own. Alec can only sit back and watch in shock—he wanted to do that for him, sure, but the thought of lifting his arm and doing an actual task seems impossible. 

Magnus is collapsed by his side the next time Alec blinks, panting loudly. He’s got a light sheen of sweat on his chest and his eyes are closed blissfully, head tipped towards the ceiling. Alec’s almost tempted to pull out his phone and capture the moment because it’s just  _ too  _ perfect. But he doesn’t. That would be creepy. 

He hadn’t realized how sweaty this could get, and he’s honestly starting to get a little uncomfortable. He shucks the covers off his sticky body and spreads himself out like a starfish, finding Magnus’s hand in the sheets next to him and grabbing it without thinking. 

Magnus chuckles almost soundlessly, like he can’t believe something. “You’re so perfect, you know that?” he says. “It’s kind of crazy.”

Alec tries not to blush, for fuck’s sake. “I really don’t know what to say to that. You are too. Thank you.”

Magnus laughs fully at that, squeezing his hand. “Why thank you.” They both smile. “So was that as good as you were imagining it to be?”   


Alec takes a deep breath. “ _ Oh  _ yeah.”

Magnus laughs. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Hah, well thanks,” he says with a hint of fake arrogance. Alec chortles and then decides to turn and lean into him, damn how hot he is. 

Minutes and more minutes pass by, though it feels like nothing at all and they just got each other off seconds ago. Alec’s tracing small circles on Magnus’s stomach, thinking hard about what he wants to say next. 

_ What’s the worst that could happen if you say it? He’ll just jump out of bed and run away?  _ No,  _ he’s not that shallow. Exactly. So just say it. You’re in a serious relationship, you can do this.  _

_ But what if he doesn’t say it back, or what if he does but doesn’t mean it and just lies for me? What if he rejects me and goes home and laughs about me with all his apparently funny friends? What if— _

Alec takes a hard, deep breath. 

_ Ah fuck it.  _

“Magnus I, I think I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *oop* *stay tuned*


	13. My Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs* happy reading lol

Beams of sun are essentially what wakes Alec up the blissful, anticipated morning after. Except it’s not so blissful for him, because he wakes up with a stinging, scratching throat and a runny nose. He’s sick, fuck he’s sick. That’s why he must’ve woken up with the feeling of a hangover without any actual alcohol the day before. Fantastic. 

Things start looking up, though, when he remembers the night before. 

It’s always a fun and lovely thing waking up feeling like total crap before realizing how amazing life actually is. And oh boy, life is really looking better for Alec. 

He finally makes his way away from the blinding light coming from the open blinds in Magnus’s room with only a pair of boxers. His old clothes from the other day are somewhere on the floor, another sweet reminder of the night before. It sort of bothers him that he didn’t do any nightly routine last night—the important things like brush his teeth and get ready for bed and all, but this is a rare occasion where he can’t even find it in him to care because of his bursting heart. He grins to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly closed in joy. He’s always wanted to be that type of person who wakes up and has to pick up their clothes from the  _ floor  _ the night before.    


Another thought occurs to him then—did he just have his first time? Would a mind-blowing hand job even count as that? Are there some sort of rules he needs to learn? He would have to ask Magnus, because Magnus would probably know. Though on second thought, he can’t even imagine gaining up the nerve to do so. 

Magnus. Right. Where’s Magnus?

Magnus isn’t in bed now, and in fact, Alec’s brain can’t even remember how things ended last night before they fell asleep…

Alec’s stomach drops, half in a good way half in a bad way. He remembers saying something along the lines of “I love you” before promptly hitting the hay from exhaustion and contentedness from the night. But he has no fucking clue what happened after that. 

The grin’s off his face now, and he’s starting to feel a little jittery. Stretching out his stiff muscles, he glances around the room in a quick study for maybe something like a nore. It doesn’t look like Magnus left to go anywhere—he never leaves without makeup on and he always leaves his makeup desk-thing a mess once he’s done (but Alec always goes after him and cleans it, so it’s all good), so he can’t have left to go anywhere. But at the same time, Alec hasn’t heard a single movement in the apartment the entire time he’s been awake. No sizzling breakfast bacon, no television sounded in the other room, no light footsteps trying to make sure he doesn’t wake up. 

There’s just…no one. He’s about ninety percent sure of it. 

That elated and light-hearted feeling he was just having vanishes as quickly as it came. His stomach’s in his toes now, and he feels like he’s starting to sweat. 

He opens his mouth to call out Magnus’s name, but regrets it instantly. His morning voice is raspy and cracky as hell, and it would be quite humiliating if he yells out in that voice across the entire silent place. 

So instead, carefully, he crawls out and away from the safe haven of Magnus’s queen sized bed to retrieve his sweatpants and t-shirt from the other night. His sweats are easy to find, right on the floor in front of the bed, but he starts having an issue looking for his t-shirt. The issue being he cannot find it. 

And _that’s_ when he locates the note.

It’s sitting on the nightstand right beside Magnus’s bed, a messily ripped piece of lined paper with a scrawl that if Alec had to guess would be Magnus’s. 

“Dear Alec,” it reads. “I’ve gone off to do some errands. Will be back soon as possible, but probably not until noon. Head home and get settled, I’ll see you later. M.”

So the good news is, yes, it’s definitely Magnus from the little “M” he signed it with (though, who else would it be? His cat?) and two, he hasn’t completely abandoned Alec because of last night. The weight on his chest lifts momentarily. 

But it’s back as soon as he re-reads the words again. “Head home” and “Alec” instead of Alexander accompanied with the plain boring wording and everything…it just seems very un-Magnus. So Alec decides to call him. It takes him a couple minutes to locate his phone in the mess of clothes and cushions in the other room, but he eventually does. He waits until it rings as much as it can, all the way up until the electronic lady’s voice comes through the speakers. 

What if Magnus really  _ does  _ want him gone? What if the clues were in his note and he was just trying to be polite because he’s perfect? It’s a real possibility. 

Alec’s starting to panic, miles away from how euphoric and dizzy with delight he was feeling only minutes ago. He shouldn’t be, really, there’s legitimately no need, but all his mind is capable is doing is overthinking things. 

He calls Magnus again as he finally locates his t-shirt under the second couch cushion and shoves it over his head. Magnus doesn’t answer again. Alec may be the slightest bit concerned that Magnus is in something bad like a car accident or he was kidnapped or something else crazy like that. He needs to stop thinking like that. 

He re-reads the letter again, making sure to go through every word carefully. It doesn’t make much of a difference. 

Nerves officially flare up in his chest, tickling his insides painfully as he continues over-thinking even though he told himself not to. Why would Magnus leave so abruptly? Why does this have to happen to him? Why can’t he just have a nice thing?   


He supposes this is what everyone means when they talk about how hard relationships are. He’d always assumed, for some reason, that they were just being a tad dramatic, but here he was over-analyzing a note from his boyfriend.    


Without really giving himself another choice, he dresses up slowly and sorrowfully with the clothes from the night before. He takes one last, longing look at the apartment around him, like it’s the last time he’ll ever see it before he leaves, and for some reason, it’s heart-breaking. It shouldn’t be, but it is. He wants the feeling to go away already. 

On the way out, trying not to think about it, he calls Magnus again. With again, no reply. Then he texts him. No reply. He doesn’t even have a plan B for this situation. Fuck. 

New York is hustling and bustling at mid-noon, pedestrians zooming by with their minds set on a very specific destination, every Starbucks in the tri-state area filled to the brim with tired college students, every car down the street honking and swerving to get by. 

Alec feels like he’s the only one not moving around or doing anything with anyone or preparing for anything. He’s just a lonely guy walking down among a different crowd, a different vibe to them. Alec sticks out like a sore thumb. His head’s down, staring at his dragging feet. He’s going at a pretty average pace, but it’s too slow for the busy streets, and he gets shoved and moved out of the way about every few minutes. 

He doesn’t really even know where he’s walking—just that he doesn’t care if he gets home or not. If he reaches his house, that means he’s going to have some time alone to think, and that means that he’ll continue overthinking it. So all he lets himself do is just keep walking, keep walking until he gets Magnus out of his head. Although, at the rate his mind’s going at, it doesn’t seem like that’ll be anytime soon. 

He feels around in the back of his jean pocket, and just like he thought, a pair of earbuds come out. Stepping to the side for a second so he doesn’t get trampled, he unravels it, plugs it into his phone and then plays his 'Chill' playlist as soon as he puts them in. It’s a sweet, painful symphony. Perfect for the moment. 

Alec trudges back into the busy bustle, hands buried in his pockets and the only person in the crowd without wandering eyes from looking at the big, magnificent city. He’s used to this big, magnificent city now. It bores him. He’d like to live somewhere more fun, like Thailand or Aruba. That’d be cool. 

Eventually, Alec makes a path home, and by then he’s so tired that he falls right asleep when he comes into his house, right down on the couch. 

A couple days later, Alec feels like he’s on some sort of drugs. Like really. 

He'd taken a shit ton of medicine because he's now at the stage of his cold where he has a bad cough. So technically he _is._ But it's more than that.

Because Magnus hasn’t answered in days. Magnus was his happy drug, but now that’s been taken away from him. From no one else but Magnus himself. 

Music can’t ease his tumbling mind and his spiraling brain, even though that’s all he tries to do, all he  _ can  _ do. 

Summer Depression by Girl in Red. It’s not summer, but who cares. Alec’s been clinging onto music like an emotional vice, like it’s going to help him through the pain he’s feeling. It helps, because it tricks him into thinking that. 

But it’s not true.

The Night We Met by Lord Huron. He clutches a blanket and hugs his pillows. His wall’s all he’s seen for…

Two days? Three?   


When was the last time he’d eaten?

His room is empty. It’s been empty all week. Jace and Izzy probably think he’s at Magnus’s still. He doesn’t blame them, because he’s only gotten out of bed twice. It’s a bad habit doing this, really, because his bed is what he consults to when he has these emotional breakdowns. It's almost like a replacement for cutting. His phone hasn’t buzzed all week. His body doesn’t feel right or himself anymore. And his cold is getting worse, which doesn't make it any better.

Don’t Get Me Wrong by Lewis Capaldi. Lewis Capaldi brings the most emotion. His mind is such a perfect disaster, in Alec's opinion.

Izzy barges into his room finally, God knows when, a manic expression painted on. He cowers into the covers, his safe haven. 

“Idiot!” she starts, ripping a pillow out from under him to whack him with. “Idiot idiot idiot! You were in the house the whole time without telling us?!”

Alec narrowly misses a direct hit of the zipper from the pillow into his eye. He buries his head in his arms and speaks quickly. “Ow— _ ow _ stop—I’ve been here the whole time, what the fuck? Also I didn’t know I was supposed to inform you of my whereabouts all the time.”   


Izzy stops hitting him for a breath and for a moment Alec thinks he’s won, but then he peers out beyond his arm cage and sees Izzy giving him her signature death stare. 

Well, he guesses winning doesn’t happen with Izzy. Oh well, he thinks as she goes back to slapping him. The thumping of his pillow on his covers resonates through the room like it’s the only sound to be heard, because for a while, all Alec was listening to was music and silence.   


“Yeah, but we thought you were  _ dead!  _ Couldn’t have answered your calls? Texts at the least? Where even is your phone?”   


Alec lifted an arm and sluggishly pointed to the corner of his room where his phone lay on the floor shut down from…a while ago.

She goes and picks it up, and Alec basks in the freedom of having no pillow smacked into his skin every five seconds while it lasts. 

“It’s shut down, you moron.”

Alec shrugs, his eyes still drooping a little. “I know. I shut it down.”

Her eyebrows dip and furrow as she scratches her head. “Why?” She still tries sounding like she’s in charge, but, well, Alec  _ is  _ the older brother so she should be acting actually the opposite. But when has Izzy ever?

Alec doesn’t say anything anymore, either pretending to not have heard the question or hinting at Izzy it’s a quite touchy subject that he would rather not bring up. 

But Izzy doesn’t work like that.

“I…I wanted to.”   


She sighs. “What’s happening with Magnus?”

“Wh—what makes you think something’s happening with him?” Alec cries. 

“Because I know. Tell me.”

Alec studies her, exhaling a loud puff through his nose in annoyance. “Well, I don’t wanna tell you,” he mumbles. It’s true. 

She sits down on the bed next to him. Her eyes have gone softer. “Alec, you don’t have to, but if it’s something so bad that you’re spending days in your bed again, you’ve gotta do something about it. You can’t live like this,” she says with a finalizing touch on Alec’s shoulder. Izzy’s rough and real, but when she gets all soft and puppy dog with Alec, he knows that’s when it’s the most important. 

“Alright.” He says this without even having a clue of what he’s even going to do in his mind. 

“Good.” She pats his shoulder a couple of times before standing and walking to the doorway. Just before leaving, she turns and says, “And take a shower, you stink moron.”

Alec snorts. Then Alec’s in an empty room again, no thought or plan of what to do next. He sits sulking and staring at the wall, and in the corner of his eye, his phone sits on his bed-side table like a wicked invitation, like it’s just waiting to pull Alec into something he’ll regret. And that thing’ll be contacting Magnus.

Eventually he does it, of course.   


He gets up to the point where he has his phone in his palm, the ability to do anything, and he’s right in Magnus’s contact, but he still sits there staring at the wall. He wishes Izzy were here to push him on or take the phone out of his hand and just do it for him, because that would be nice.    


But she doesn’t. And he doesn’t go and get her because he really needs to start doing these things on his own.

He flops back into his bed sheets, looking around his room as if it’ll give him some sort of inspiration of what to say. Magnus’s contact still stays frozen on the screen, darkness covering it every once in a while as the phone asks to be turned off. 

When tears come to his eyes, they come so suddenly Alec almost doesn’t realize it. When he does, he doesn’t even try to stop them. He’s tired. He’s tired of holding back, of repressing emotions, of being beat up. Metaphorically. He’s so tired. 

_ Let’s meet up and talk _ , he texts Magnus. It’s probably a lost cause trying to contact him at all at this point, because the way he’s being ignored doesn’t feel like a short term thing, but he tries anyway. He hopes Magnus’ll at least  _ tell  _ him if he doesn’t want to be with him anymore. 

He goes to look over his text again but then discovers his vision’s been completely blurred. That weird thing happens when he cries again—like his thoughts are folding over each other and screaming a thousand things at once, none of them good. Every single time, these overwhelming thoughts just fuel him to breakdown even more, and he doesn’t even know it until he’s trembling on the ground with his head in his knees. 

Moments like these are the moments that Alec has the most trouble handling. Because he’s alone. There’s no one left, there’s no one to care, there’s no one here. Alec’s more alone than ever. 

Dread can start out so small, but once it starts, it doesn’t stop. Alec knows what he’s going to do the minute this dread starts building in his chest, and he can barely think about anything else because all he can think about is  _ failure you’re so selfish stop fucking crying Magnus left you Magnus left you because you’re not good enough for him you’re not good enough for anyone _ — 

Alec shoves up off the floor with a loud, gasping sob, making sure his head is buried in his arm. He can’t even see where he’s going as he stumbles to the bathroom, patting the plaster of the wall as he practically trips down the hall. He doesn’t care. 

The bathroom light blinds him at first. December brings darkness at 4:30 in the afternoon, and Alec isn't used to so much bright light in one space so late. He doesn’t care. 

The thought of December brings another thought into his head—what about that party Magnus was going to drag him to? Well, he supposes if he isn’t even going to get a text back, there should be no hope for that party. That’s supposed to make him feel better for some reason that he can’t remember right now. It’s fine, he doesn’t—he doesn’t care. 

He thinks that he’s making strange whimpering noises, but he can’t even tell from how sharp and loud his thoughts are starting to become. They’re filling up his brain faster than water fills a sinking boat, up to the point where he’s trapped and drowning and can’t fucking  _ breathe _ —

Finally removing the arm covering his eyes, he squints around and focuses pointedly on a single task. The first glimpse he catches of himself in the mirror feels like a stab in his brain, and he realizes it’s the beginnings of a migraine. He really needs this to end. He needs—he’s gotta find— 

_ Where’s that stupid razor? _

He hasn’t gathered that he’s with other people in the house still, and that he’s making a whole ton of noise throwing shit from under the sink all around. But—when had he gotten on the floor, when had he started throwing shit around?

It’s still difficult to see, and he’s using about two thirds of his brain power focusing on not letting those all-consuming thoughts take over again. He just wants this to be over he just wants this to be over—

They start leaking in again, like a slow syrup. He tries fighting them back again, but it isn’t—it’s not working, he can’t breathe he can’t see he can’t think—

Someone’s outside the door, knocking fiercely. His heart feels like it’s melting away in his ribcage. He wonders if he’s just imagining the knocking, and legitimately continues thinking it’s some sort of fucked up dream until the door bursts open and scares the shit out of him. Weirdly enough, that helps shock him out of his thoughts a little bit. 

A tall girl stands in front of him and— _ oh _ , nope, she’s not tall. He’s just small because he’s on the fucking floor. Nice. 

And it’s not any girl, he notices as his vision comes in and out of view, it’s his sister. A hot wave of humiliation flushes through his body, and he cringes back against the wall nearest to him as he tries to cover his face again. He’s starting to feel a bit nauseous. 

“Alec?” she says softly. “How're you feeling?”

Alec takes a second to think of something to say to that that isn’t an entire novel about how crappy he’s feeling. 

“Like shit.”

He can’t see her, but he can tell she’s nodding. “That’s great.”

Neither of them laugh. 

“I, um, I have someone that I think’ll make you feel better.”

Alec feels a spike of dread rise in his chest, blowing up like a balloon in less than seconds. He knows exactly who it’s going to be, and he thinks that’s what makes it feel actually more excruciatingly humiliating.

He locks his eyes to the bathroom tiles, focusing on breathing. It feels like his body couldn’t move at this point even if he wanted it to, so it’s pointless. 

He hears footsteps recede and then fade away slowly. There aren’t any new ones coming any closer or any farther, so he knows exactly who’s in front of him. His heart’s beating in his face right now. 

“Hi.”

And inhale, exhale, inhale—   


Magnus’s voice is just how he remembered it. The faint accent with that smooth rumble. The organized manner of speech. He thinks he could recognize it out of an entire group of people talking at once. 

Maybe he should say something back. 

“Hi.”   


Never has it been this awkward between them. Alec has about a million things he wants to say, but considering the situation and the fact that more than half of those things are snarky comments that have to do with the fact that he ghosted Alec for a week, he decides against it. 

Alec clears his throat and stands on wobbly knees. He still refuses to lift his eyes and meet Magnus’s look, because that’s just an overly stressful experience that he could avoid right now. However, he can ball up on himself and in his sweatshirt.

“Why’d Izzy call you here?”

There’s a sigh. “I guess she wanted us to talk.”

“Do you want to talk?” says Alec.

“I don’t know.”

Well. Good talk then. 

_ Any news Magnus? Any reason you’ve been ignoring me? _

Alec doesn’t ask this, because he knows the answer already. It’s been nagging in his brain like a mosquito ever since he uttered those three stupid words a couple days ago. He’s had nothing but regret filled thoughts for them. 

Alec feels like an organ’s been ripped out of him when he hears Magnus move. Precisely, shuffle his feet, but Alec reads it in the complete wrong way of course. In fact, he panics, jerking forward about an inch and finally looking up at Magnus’s face. 

He’s about to scream internally and look right back down, but then he sees Magnus’s eyes. Red-rimmed and the least spirited he’s ever seen them. 

Alright, maybe he can handle keeping up the eye contact. 

Fiddling with his sleeves, he whispers, “Something wrong?”

For a second, though it passes in such a blur Alec has no clue, he thinks he sees Magnus’s lip tremble. Maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe it’s not at all what Alec thought it was and maybe they just need—

“I think we need to talk, Alec.”

Just like that, Alec’s heart goes from beating in his face to plummeting to his stomach. Alec can’t even stop it either—it goes all the way down as if suddenly attached to a heavy weight. 

“Okay,” he croaks.

“Want—um, shall we go to your room?” He says it like the talk’s that serious that it shouldn’t be held in the bathroom. To be fair, not a lot of talks should be held in the bathroom anyway, though, so Alec tries not to worry himself too much. 

By the time they’ve walked to the bedroom, Alec’s already thrown not-worrying out the window. 

They both sit on the edge of the bed a good distance apart. A wave of memories go through his head of just a few days ago when they were sharing a bed for an entirely different reason. And now this is happening. It's the last thing Alec expected after that night, yet worst circumstances can happen sometimes, he guesses. Alec can feel Magnus’s gaze locked on him, but he keeps his focused on the floor. It’s better for the both of them this way. At least he hopes. 

“Alec, I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting this week. I—there’s no excuse for it, really, and you certainly don’t deserve that.” Alec feels his face pinching up in effort not to let out any…any emotion.

“Okay.”

“And—and you deserve to know why.” 

Alec knows very well why. 

“It’s not your fault. I know this is the most basic cliche, but this is really about me, not you. I don’t want you feeling any kind of bad because I did that stupid thing.”

Alec turns to him and looks him right in the eye. “Then why’d you do it?”

“I have…” There’s a pregnant gap of silence. Alec waits patiently. Magnus looks like he goes through forty different arguments in his head at once before continuing painfully, clearing his throat. “I have commitment issues.” 

Scratch what Alec thought in the bathroom; Magnus's voice has changed. He sounds more...more like a broken song than a perfect melody. 

Alec nods slowly, seeing where this is going. “Okay.”

“And…and when you said that to me…” 

Alec shuts his eyes tightly. 

“I panicked. I’m being utterly and completely honest—I panicked. And I got out as soon as I could, because I’m just a coward and I didn't know what else to do. And I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I swear, you’re the last person in the world I would want to do that too. But these are my own problems, and I’m working them out. Or at least trying to. I promise.”

Alec tries opening his eyes again. Magnus is still there, his room isn’t spinning, the world hasn’t ended…well. Alright.

“Oh,” Alec says. 

“Yeah.”

“It’s—it’s okay.”

Magnus winces. “Not really though.”

“No, it’s okay, I understand.” That silences Magnus. “Can I just ask, though, what are these commitment issues that you have? I just don’t want to keep going forward in a dead end.” Alec doesn’t think it’s been harder to say anything in his life. 

Now Magnus shuts his eyes tightly, mimicking the same position and everything. When did they get there?

“Um,” he mutters. “Um, um. Well, it’s a long story. And it’s been a hard journey. I really like you Alec, I care about you a lot, but I don’t know if I’m completely in that place right now. I know that I want you in my life, but you deserve to know the truth. It’s my truth.”

A single tear track runs down Alec’s face, but he doesn’t even notice from how intently he’s studying the wood on the floor. “So has—” His shitty voice cracks. “Has this all been nothing? The two of us?”

“N—no, God no Alec.” Magnus leans forward like he wants to wrap his arms around Alec and take him in his arms, but he seems to change his mind a second later. Alec keeps his gaze onto the ground, pretending like he didn’t see that in the corner of his eye. “I told you, I do really like you and care about you, it’s just I don’t know if I’m ready to commit fully yet, you know?”

Alec’s hands are twitching. Huh. “So what, you care about me and all that crap yet you can’t handle actually  _ being  _ with me?”

Magnus shakes. “No, Alec please, you’re misunderstanding—”

“You know what Magnus, I think I understand this very well. In fact, I think you’ve bought perfect clear light to this situation. Thank you,” Alec says loudly and bitterly, standing and walking to the door. 

“No, Alec, don’t leave, don’t— _ please _ , you can’t leave, Alec, I can’t—please, please, just hear me out.”

And Alec would’ve continued his trek of walking right out of there if he hadn’t heard Magnus’s voice break. Magnus was the last person in the world who Alec expected to lose his cool. Suddenly, he remembered the first time he saw his big, brave sister cry when they were twelve, and it made him realize that people have real, heartfelt emotions even if they’re under layers of stone. 

“Alright,” he whispers. “I’ll stay.”

Magnus sniffles, burying his face in his hands. “Okay. Thank you. I—yeah.”

“So go on.”

“I…I have to be sure that if I’m going to tell you this, you aren’t going to drop me and move on. I have trust issues,” he says shamefully, but bluntly. Alec sighs and puts a hand on Magnus’s in what he hopes is a comforting manner.    


“It’s okay. You can tell me.” Alec feels his heart rate start to speed up and that familiar feeling of panic rise. 

“I…I was raised as an orphan. My mom killed herself when I was small and then my dad blamed me and almost drowned me for it.” 

Alec gasps. “You’re—did that really happen?”

“No, I’m lying.”

“Sorry. Keep going.”   


Magnus clears his throat. “Anyway, as I entered my teen years, I was pretty...boisterous to say the least. I started messing around with boys and girls when I was about thirteen, which was my first mistake. I got bullied a whole ton in school for wearing makeup. I had barely any friends, and I dropped out when I was eighteen, because school just wasn’t it for me. Then I met this guy. Trevor. I was just shoved out into the real world, just got an apartment and all, and I was pretty desperate for anyone. Living alone is isolating sometimes, and I was scared. And Trevor seemed perfect—he seemed to provide anything I could’ve wanted, and at first, there were no red flags. Everything was perfect.”

Magnus stops to compose himself, playing with his rings almost too aggressively. There’s this foreign, lost look on his face, like he’s gone back into his brain and completely in the memory. 

“But then I  _ did  _ see the red flags. Trevor had serious jealousy issues. Any time I ever did anything as little as talk to a bartender innocently, he would explode and the night would end up in tears and fights and endless thoughts of what  _ I  _ was doing wrong. It was horrible. Every time it happened, it made me feel like I was the bad guy, even though that wasn’t even the case. So I tried breaking up with him. And he hit me and told me I was worthless. Blah blah blah, I was heartbroken, fast forward a couple months, I try starting new things with new people, but I can hardly even spend the night without getting all dizzy from thoughts of him and wanting to leave immediately. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anything with anyone again.”

A smile toys on Alec's face; he can't help it. “And let me guess. Then I came along?”

“Yes. I guess you did. But you have to understand that it’s still not easy for me Alec. That didn’t happen all that long ago. I—I hate saying this, but I’m still recovering. I trusted Trevor with everything and he just…” Magnus waves his hands in the air uselessly, his lip wobbling. Alec folds his hand around his and holds on tight. 

“I totally understand. And I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through all that. And that I had to make it even shittier for you just now, I guess. But can I ask? What made me different?”

Magnus takes a deep breath, still without making eye contact with him. “When I found you there on that ledge, I figured out that what I was going through may have been bad, but there were people out there who had it much worse. And I made it my ultimate goal to help you. I guess the admiration I got for you along the way just happened because of your charms.”

Alec snickers. “What, because of my awkward rudeness?”

Magnus’s face finally breaks out into a smile. “I guess.” Now it looks like he’s looking back on a different, more fond memory. Alec grins. 

“I’m so glad you told me, Magnus,” Alec admits. “I just…I just want to be with you. We can take however much time you need, but I just want  _ us. _ Because even though you don’t have to say it back, what I said the other night about you is true.” Alec sees Magnus stiffen in the slightest, and the panic feeling arises again stronger than ever, but then Magnus speaks again. 

“Of course. Thank you so much.” Magnus finally turns and faces him, scooping him promptly into his arms so they can fall back on the bed together and cuddle in a more intimate way then ever before. "And I...I agree too." 

For once, Alec feels like this is for certain this time that tonight will be good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So should I continue this, or leave it here? If no one comments, imma just leave it here lol, but just tell me if you think I should continue, and I will. I mean I think this is a pretty good spot to finish. Idk. You tell me.


	14. Adore You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) happy readinggg

“I believe I do owe you a party,” is the first thing Magnus Bane says to Alec at seven in the morning. 

“Jesus,” Alec says, putting a hand over his heart. “Warn a guy.”

Magnus officially opens his eyes and smiles. Light is sparkling through his glittery hair from the golden morning sun. He’s on the right side of the bed, Alec’s favorite side, yet this is the first time Alec hadn’t even noticed. 

“What? Were you watching me sleep?”

Alec shrugs. 

“Well anyway,” Magnus says with a smile. “Unfortunately, we  _ both  _ missed that New Year’s party, and  _ you  _ my darling, have still not been to a proper party. I must teach you.”

Alec snorts. “ _ Teach  _ me? Teach me what?”

Magnus looks at him like it’s obvious. “Well how to party properly of course.”   


“I don’t think so. Partying isn’t my thing.”

“I have a feeling you’ll like it,” Magnus says, dropping a cheeky wink. 

Alec doesn’t think at this point that there’s a luckier guy on Earth than he is. He can’t even remember why he was sad or what it even felt like to be sad before. 

Sadness comes and goes in human beings; it’s not something to avoid and run away from, it’s something everyone needs to handle no matter what point in their life they’re at. But even though Alec knew this, his depression always felt like a different thing. It was like sadness was too little a word for it. When he became depressed, any good memory or rational thought would disappear like a cloud in the sky, slowly but surely. It felt like a thing that  _ wasn’t  _ going to pass. He would fall apart with no one to help him, and then bring himself back together. 

Magnus taught him different. Magnus taught him love. Magnus taught him trust and support and…something other than depression and his all-consuming life of this disease. Magnus  _ became  _ like that disease, in a way—he felt like happiness with Magnus was too little a word to describe what he felt when they were together, and every second felt like an hour, endless and beautiful. Magnus could very well be a replacement for Alec’s depression. Or a happy pill. One that actually works. 

So if Magnus wanted some dumb party, Alec supposes it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever to tag along. If it made Magnus happy, he would do anything. Magnus deserves everything. 

“Alright, alright,” Alec says. Magnus squeals. “But what type of party? Like lowkey? Or are you going to host some cocktail blowout at your place that’ll wipe out the whole street?”

“I believe that can be up for you to decide, dear. I’ve got a few in mind, but yes, they all involve  _ me  _ hosting them.”

Alec nods, pursing his lips in pretend thought. He knows his answer. “Fine,” he says dramatically. “I’ll allow it.”

Magnus grins, lunging forward to hug him. The position’s awkward from the way their lying sideways on the bed, but it works. Alec’s never seen them go through anything that hasn’t worked out.

Izzy seems to be the most excited about Alec going to an ‘actual’ party. Alec never meant for her to find out, but Magnus betrayed him when they were on the phone and now he’s being forced into a spinning chair as his little sister lays out a whole bunch of sharp, scary tools in front of him. It’s makeup. 

“Now,” she starts theatrically, clapping her hands together. “The party’s tonight, Alec. Do you have an outfit prepared?”

Alec considers. “No.”

Izzy’s eyes pop out of her head a little. “Ho—okay, nevermind. I’ll fix it. Now, what’s the theme?”

Alec shrugs, exasperated. Izzy starts tapping her foot a little furiously. “Alec you gotta give me something here, c’mon.”

“Iz, I just don’t know any of this stuff. You can call Magnus?” Alec offers weakly. 

She shakes her head vigorously, shaking the large bun propped on her head. “Alec, just,” —she lifts a hand— “Just tell if it’ll be like eccentric or chill.”

Alec bites his lip, trying to find a way to tell her for the millionth time that he just has no idea. “Umm, chill?” He’s really just looking for whatever option’s going to get him out of having to be dressed up like a barbie doll from her. And that seems to do the trick, because all of a sudden she’s putting away all those fancy tools and gadgets and taking out a simple palette of neutral colors (one of the few makeup things that Alec understands), a small black bottle, and a comb with hairspray. Her desk can miraculously fit it all.

He knows he should be thinking about more important things with this situation, like maybe an identity crisis or something but all his mind brings up is the thought of how proud Magnus’ll be because he’s going to wear any of this in the first place. His single, number one thought is the exact reaction this’ll get out of Magnus, which should be bad, but Alec can’t find himself giving a single fuck. Maybe this party will be fun. 

“Alright, I believe I have a plan,” says Izzy. “You’re going to look  _ bomb as hell _ .”

“Please never say that again.”

She gets to work. 

  
  


  
  
  
  


  
Magnus calls halfway through. Izzy’s just working on filling in color on his left eyelid, and he nearly jumps out of his skin when his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. 

“Shit— _ shit fucking _ —goddamnit Alec you messed it up!” Izzy whisper-screams as Alec frantically answers the call. 

“What?” Magnus’s voice hums through the phone. Alec feels like he hasn’t heard it in ages and he has to remind himself the last time he heard it was this fucking morning. 

“What did you mess up, Alec?” He sounds amused. Alec would slap him through the phone if he could. 

“Nothing,” he’s quick to answer, shooting Izzy a death glare that just makes her roll her eyes. 

“Alright…” says Magnus. “Well anyway, I just wanted to check up on you  _ and  _ make sure you’re ready for the party.  _ Oh,  _ also, I have a  _ fantastic  _ outfit in mind that’ll look great on you and matches perfectly with the theme!”

Izzy throws her arms in the air as Alec snorts. “Thank you!” she exclaims. 

“What exactly is the theme?” Alec asks. 

“Glitter! Just glitter.”

“That’s not a th—”

“Yes it is. And it will be. Everything needs to be shiny. That’s all.”

Alec groans. “I suppose that means mine’ll be like that too, then?”

“Yep.” 

He can hear Magnus’s smirk through the phone. 

“Well that’s awesome,” Izzy butts in. “But I’m afraid I must capture Alec’s attention again so we can go back to the very important business we were attending.”

Alec scoffs. 

“And I still don’t get to know what this is?” Magnus asks. 

“Nope,” she says. “It’ll be like a surprise, I guess.”   


“Ah. I see. I hope it’s a good one.”   


Izzy studies Alec’s face in joy. “Oh, I certainly think it will be.” 

Alec’s quite scared now, not that he’ll ever admit it. 

“Okay. Bye bye!”   


“Goodbye.”

A few seconds after the call ends, Izzy starts rearranging everything on her desk again. “Well, now that we now the theme, this look is _all_ wrong,” she says right before she starts attacking the one eye she worked on vigorously with a makeup wipe. 

Alec’s face feels like it’s ready to melt onto the floor when Izzy finishes with him a couple hours later. 

“Isn’t it a bit…much?”

Izzy sprays him with that ‘setting spray’, he thinks she called it, one last time on purpose to throw him off.

“Hey!”   


“It’s  _ brilliant. _ It’s the best makeup look I’ve done.”   


Alec winces as he looks back at the big mirror propped on her desk to inspect himself again. She really took the glitter theme to heart after Magnus called, and, after much protest from Alec, took out her most glittery golden palette to decorate his face with. He has silver sparkles lining his cheekbones and jawline, catching light as he moves his face around. A matte black lipstick covers his lips, which really brings out their shape, (unfortunately, he’d never noticed how tiny they were), and all of this is accompanied with a shiny, golden glitter eyeshadow painted across his eyelids in multiple shades and designs. She also forced a light layer of ‘mascara’ on him, which is apparently something to make your eyelashes look better. Alec thought it like another word for foundation because it had the word 'mask' in it. He was very uncomfortable with that one. 

Oh and of course, his  _ hair.  _ After combing it in a very unnatural upwards direction, she sprayed it down with not only hairspray but fucking golden  _ glitter  _ spray, (something Alec was very unaware that existed), to such an extent that Alec almost looked blond. 

The man in the mirror was quite unrecognizable, and if he was scared for Magnus’s reaction before, it didn’t even  _ compare  _ to how he felt now. Those glass shards of nerves were already making their way up his chest and piercing through his heart, but he made very sure to keep that inside. 

“Alright Iz, well, thanks a lot, but I’m gonna head to Magnus’s now,” he says, scooping up his coat from the bed and rushing out of the room before she can stop him. She chases after him, though. “His party’s in three hours and first, and I want him to be prepared in advance to laugh at this so he doesn’t have to in front of everyone, and second, I gotta see my outfit. So goodbye, thanks for the glittery mess I guess, and see you tonight,” Alec rushes all in one breath as he puts on his vans so he can run out the door before she can stop him. 

It’s too fucking cold this time of year. Alec has no idea how makeup works, but he prays that it won’t like freeze on his face or something. Not that he thinks that’ll happen but…you never know. 

Also, he’s almost sure everyone on the street and around him is completely and totally judging the hell out of him. And to be fair, he  _ does  _ look a bit strange, but not too different from what these people usually see. They live in New York City for God’s sake. 

Although, maybe the whole black jeans black crewneck vibe with these much eccentric makeup is what they’re finding a bit weird but…whatever. Alec decides that if he has to talk to a bunch of strangers looking like this at a party in about three hours, he can handle being looked at on the street. 

One girl gives him a thumbs up, which Alec appreciates. Then a short guy winks at him, which he also appreciates, but he’s also slightly uncomfortable. 

Once he’s finally made it to Magnus’ flat in a walk that’s felt longer than any walk he’s ever done before, he’s gotten about a hundred stares. He wonders if this happens to Magnus every time he goes out. He hopes not, but the cold, hard truth is telling him something different. 

Suddenly, he forgets about everyone else and remembers that his own fucking boyfriend is about to see him like this. He panics, looking around for somewhere to hide so he can at least come out when he’s ready, but then the door swings open (because Alec forgot he knocked) and Magnus is there, broad and smiling. 

When he catches sight of Alec’s face, his jaw drops. 

Alec smiles with his teeth, warily. 

“You…Alec…”   


Alec takes in Magnus’s look to distract himself—gold leather pants with black polka dots and knee boots with a small heel and a cropped violet tank top, despite the weather, that hugs his chest close and shows every. Fucking. Detail. 

And his makeup, while much better done than his (no offense to his sister), looks unlike anything Alec’s ever seen him wear on his face. It’s amazing, a symphony of dark purple and bright glitter dot every beauty part of Magnus that the eye can see. Lilac eyeshadow that reaches his eyebrows. A gorgeous golden lipstick. Highlighter in glitter, just like Alec's, but broader, and then a few dots of sparkles across his forehead and cheeks. In another life, maybe Alec would find this weird. But right now, he’s looking at Magnus,  _ his  _ Magnus, and thinking that nothing has looked better. It suits him perfectly. 

“You look perfect,” Alec murmurs before he can stop himself. It’s fine. He’ll be fine. 

“You—and  _ you’re  _ the one saying that? About me?” 

Alec laughs breathily, ducking his head. 

“Thanks.”

“Darling,” Magnus says, lifting Alec’s head again with a finger. “You are stunning. Absolutely stunning. Never doubt it for a second.”

Alec lets out an involuntary giggle. “I—alright. Should we head inside?” Alec says. 

Magnus nods, but he keeps his feet nailed to the ground and his eyes glued to Alec’s face, a small, curious smile somewhere hidden behind his exterior.

“What?” Alec laughs nervously. 

Magnus shakes himself out of it, turning around promptly and grabbing Alec’s hand to lead him into the house. “Nothing. Let’s have a good party now, yes?"

“I don’t— _ no _ , Magnus I don’t  _ likeeee  _ this one—” Alec pushes a strawberry daiquiri away from him. Magnus bursts into uncontrollable giggles when their hands touch. 

“How could you not like it? It’s strawberries and rum!” Magnus exclaims. The multicolor strobe lights that Magnus messily set up around the apartment to give it a cooler feeling glare into his eyes every few seconds, making him dizzy. 

Once Magnus had shown him his golden glitter jumpsuit that's tighter than anything he'd ever worn, Alec had collectively decided to get wasted in order to survive the party.

“I don’t like  _ rum _ ,” Alec mutters. 

“How could you no—”   


“Because I  _ don’t _ , silly goose,” Alec giggles, falling unceremoniously on top of Magnus and forcing him to catch him, even with two drinks in his hands. 

It doesn’t work out. They both spill on both of their clothes. 

Now, really, it was going just fine about an hour ago. Alec swears it didn’t start like this. 

Magnus had just started up the party, and everything was lovely; the theme was gorgeous and all the music and drinks were perfect. The living room was a golden, sparkly dance floor that looked like it housed fairies. It was just when people, (specifically people that Alec didn’t know), started coming in. Alec didn’t do well with new people. At all. 

At first, he was just nervous. It happens every time he meets someone and has to interact with them; just those bubbly, first word nerves. But then it was another person. And another. And more and more and more and just when Alec was praying that it was over, even more came until the place was stuffed like a turkey and it was hard to see or even breathe properly, if he was honest. 

He was shaking a little, and with the loud music and busy bustle of tens of people dancing he felt like he was going to vomit. So what did he decide to do? Get wasted. Of course. 

Magnus noticed that he was missing about five minutes later and came to join him. It didn’t take that much effort, surprisingly, to get him along with the idea as well, and pretty soon both of them were totally hogging the margarita pitcher. 

In the back of his head, Alec knew why he was trying so hard to take away the pain. 

( _ If you can’t even talk to a few strangers, how are you going to be successful in life? How will you get a job where you need to  _ interact  _ with humans all day every day? Maybe I do need therapy.) _

But he refused to acknowledge them and just kept drinking. 

The unfortunate thing was that they ran out of margaritas, Alec’s favorite, a couple minutes ago, so now they were on a mission to go through the refreshments to try and find something else that Alec liked. It wasn’t very lucky so far.

“What about vodka?” Magnus slurs, inspecting the bottle carefully, as if he wasn’t the one who freaking bought it. 

Damn.  _ Whoo.  _

Alec really needs to dance. 

_ Hips Don’t Lie  _ by Shakira comes on blasting through the speakers that they set up in each corner of the room, and Alec throws his head back and whoops obnoxiously, grabbing Magnus’s hand and dragging him amongst the sweaty, writhing bodies. Magnus doesn’t even seem half concerned about it. 

“Do you even know half these people?” Alec yells, not caring who can hear. He doesn’t really care much of anything right now, he realizes in amazement. 

“No, not really,” Magnus yells back, grinning at a girl who turns to stare at him. Alec laughs, and then sees the girl get a glint in her eye. 

_ Oh hell no.  _

He full out throws his arms around Magnus, attaching their bodies together and squeezing him tight as he immediately goes to start pretending to whisper things in his ears. It’s mostly all gibberish because he isn’t sexy or cool enough to pull off things like that, but Magnus starts laughing because it's stupid and the girl looks away so he thinks it gets the point across. 

He pulls away, but keeps his arms wrapped around Magnus’s neck so they can stay together and so Magnus doesn’t have anywhere else to look. Magnus doesn’t seem to mind. Good. 

This is good. Magnus is  _ soo  _ good. 

The lights flicker and flash along Magnus’s face, casting different colored shadows that look like smooth paint splatters across his features. They catch in Magnus’s bright, bright eyes too, making them shine even more, like a great big star. Alec thinks that he would much rather watch Magnus’s eyes than the stars in the sky; they’re much more appealing.

Alec starts moving his hips to the song. After all, it’s what they should be doing. It’s  _ Hips Don’t Lie.  _

Magnus grins and goes along with it too, rubbing his hands along the small of Alec’s back. 

Alec sparks with an idea. While still lightly moving his hips along to the beat of the song, he leans in real close to Magnus’s ear to see what he can whisper to him to make him go crazy. Starting small, of course; “Your eyes are so pretty.”   


Magnus laughs breathlessly in his ear. “Thanks darling, I appreciate it.”   


Alec giggles, pulling himself up closer. “Everything about you is so pretty. D’you know that?”

Magnus just giggles, petting his back. Alec’s starting to sweat in the cramped room and the heat of Magnus’s arms. 

“Can we—can we go to your bedroom please?” Alec says, hiccuping. He wants to be alone. He wants to get out of this loud, crowded room. He’s decided he’s sick of it. 

“You don’t want to hear the rest of the song?”   


Alec shakes his head, unwrapping himself from Magnus to drag him in the direction of his bedroom. 

“Oh—okay, Alec, I’m coming I’m coming.”

“Alec, you’re wasted,” Magnus says as soon as the door slams behind them and all the loud noises fade. 

“Yeah, sure,” Alec mumbles, tripping over his own feet in an attempt to get onto the bed. Magnus snorts, helping him over. 

“N—no, I—ugh. Come here.” Alec makes grabby hands for him. Magnus shakes his head but falls into them, tugging the covers out on top of them. 

They lay in silence for a moment, basking in the peace of an empty room without the constant blare of music and energy from all the people. 

Magnus coughs. “So I guess I didn’t really teach you ‘partying’ well.”   


Alec goes to his side to look at him. Magnus does the same, and they get so close their noses touch. “I think you did a fantastic job. This, this right here is the best I’ve ever felt at a party. Ever.”

“That’s pretty sad.”   


“Oh shut up,” Alec scolds, slapping his arm. 

“Alright alright.”

They stay quiet again. Alec’s left with his own miserable thoughts. 

Then, out of the blue, Magnus says, “Alec? Are you still sure that you don’t want to get any help?”   


And there it is. The thing that was nagging Alec’s mind all night. 

And finally, as expected, all the hurt he was holding back after days and days comes flooding in like cold water spreading in his chest, starting at the heart. He knew it would come, but the timing couldn’t have been worse.

Ridiculously, tears sting at the back of his eyes. He doesn’t fully understand why watching Titanic can’t make him shed a tear but he could bawl like a baby for an unknown reason whenever the thought of him actually seeing someone about these problems gets brought up. Quickly, he ducks his head and rolls out of bed. 

“Alec, no Alec please—” Magnus scrambles after him. 

“Just have to use the bathroom,” Alec chokes out. The cold water’s spreading and spreading and soon, he thinks, soon he’s going to get—get hypothermia or something worse—

He slams and locks Magnus’s bathroom door right before Magnus reaches him, sliding onto the floor immediately. His chest is inflating like a balloon with each breath he takes, but it isn’t deflating on the exhale. He feels like he might explode from all the built up pressure and fear and guilt. 

“Alec!” Magnus pounds on the door. “Please open the door for me sweetheart,  _ Alexander, _ you don’t deserve this, you don’t—just  _ please _ .”

Magnus keeps murmuring these encouraging sayings through the wood but Alec zones them out, burying fists in his scalp and tugging on his hair till he feels a burn, a burning distraction from the pain within.    


Because he’s messed up. Diseases. He has mental diseases. No matter how much he denies it, no matter how much he ignores it, it doesn’t change the fact that he gets deathly nervous talking to a stranger for the first time, or that he shakes and shakes whenever someone in his room gets something out of the order that it’s supposed to be in. Frankly his room may be a hot mess, but it’s in  _ order _ . It’s important. 

He remembers this one time in middle school when he invited a friend over (a reckless choice, really), and he left the room for one second just to come back to them going through his desk drawers because he was evidently ‘bored’. It was the first time he’d ever had a panic attack, he thinks. And he did it alone in the bathroom at midnight after reorganizing everything. 

He tries regulating his breathing, doing those breathing exercises he learned oh so long ago, but either he’s doing them wrong or they’re not working, because his rate still isn’t calming down and he still feels like a car running at 80 mph with no breaks. 

_ You need help, Alec.  _

_ Can we discuss… _

_ Alec have you ever thought about… _

_ Alec, you’re  _ messed  _ up. Get help! _

He shouldn’t have—maybe he shouldn’t have drank so much liquor. 

The door’s suddenly pushing against his back, somehow, and he doesn’t register it until sharp pains start rolling through it from constantly being shoved and shoved. It’s a new kind of pain, and it shocks enough sense in him to roll away from the door and curl up in a different corner of the small bathroom floor. 

Hands are around him almost less than a second later, and Magnus’s voice loud and clear in his ear. He notices he’s shaking when Magnus tries to squeeze him harder, trying to get his limbs to stop shuddering and jerking. 

“I don’t know—I don’t know why—Magnus hel—help,” he gasps, hiccuping into Magnus’s arm. All the cold water pressurized like a torpedo in chest suddenly shoots out and he can’t even do anything to stop it. He’s never had so little control over himself before. 

“I need— _ please _ —I need you to help, you have to—I can’t I can’t  _ I can’t do this anymore _ —”   


“Shhhh,” Magnus says loudly, his voice shaking. It’s curious how easily they went from dancing around like no one was watching to shaking and crying on the bathroom floor. “I’m here, I’m here for you baby, I promise I’ll never leave.”

Alec nods and sniffles, letting out a wretched noise. His hand makes its way to Magnus’s shirt, clenching it fiercely. 

“Alec, Alec I’m here to help you, here to get you the help you need. If you’ll let me.”

“Magnus—”

“Alec you’re the strongest person I know, and the bravest and the kindest. I promise you, you deserve this, you  _ need  _ this, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people do it. And when have I ever not supported you? I’ll be there the whole time for anything you need, darling, I promise promise promise. You just have to let me, Alec, let  _ yourself.  _ Just give it a try, please. Someone like you deserves to get better, to  _ feel  _ better. This is the only way I can help you Alec.”   


Alec doesn’t respond for a heart-breaking moment. The bathroom is pin-drop quiet other than the sounds from Alec, making them even louder in his own head. He’s brought back to the tens of other times he’s been left in this situation, except without loving arms holding him, rocking him, grounding him. 

And—and maybe a sort of epiphany downs upon him right there, right then. 

This time can be different. This time, he has  _ Magnus,  _ this time he has  _ support,  _ this time he’s not  _ alone.  _

This time can be different. 

All the other periods where he was this low in his life had never felt like how he feels now. Before, it was like he was trapped in a burning building with no way out. Burning and falling and crackling all around him; the mess of his life. But what he hadn’t realized now was that with  _ Magnus _ , he felt like there was a way out. Magnus. Magnus was always there, he was always that person who could get him out of the flames. Alec is just finally realizing, in his idiocy, that he needs to  _ let him.  _ Magnus can’t physically drag him out of the burning building, he needs to take his hand. 

It can be different this time. 

Maybe…maybe if Alec does it…maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe it’ll actually work. 

“Magnus,” he croaks pathetically, already dreading what he’s about to say. “I think that…I think that I should get some help.”

Magnus lets out a watery laugh in disbelief. 

Then he’s being uplifted, brought out of the flames and straight into Magnus’s arms, held there like that was his home and the place he was meant to be the whole time. Magnus hugs him close like if he lets go, somehow, Alec’ll change his mind or something else stupid. 

But no. Alec’s done. Being stupid, that is. 

With a choking laugh, Alec mutters into Magnus’s ear: “New Year, new me, huh?”

Magnus snorts a little, but it’s okay because he laughs too. In fact, this soft, wet giggling continues for about the next five minutes that they spend on the ground, like they can’t believe what just happened. Which is probably the case. 

“So what about the party?” Alec says after a while. He’s starting to get cold and uncomfortable on the tiled bathroom floor, and he thinks it’s time to enjoy the luxury of the bed now. 

“Don’t worry about it. Baby, I’m so proud of you. I’m so so glad you’re doing this. I promise it’ll be worth it, and I promise I’ll never leave your side. I—I love you.”   


Alec’s world stops, spirals, comes completely upside down and then right side up again. His vision gets washed in blue as he pulls his head away from Magnus’s shoulder slowly. His chest burns strongly, so much that he almost gets the urge to put a hand on his heart like some cliche would do. Except this time, he knows the burning isn’t fire. 

It’s healing. It’s not flames, it’s warmth. It’s Magnus. It’s home. 

He’s going to live a happy life. He's going to _let_ himself. Finally. 

“I really love you, Magnus.” He pauses. “But can we go back to the bed now?”   


Magnus laughs, watery. “Of course.”

The loud sounds and ludicrousy happening beyond the bedroom door floats back in the room again as the night gets older and spirits get higher. But Magnus and Alec don’t have a care in the world for them. Magnus leads Alec to the bed and turns on his stereo, playing soft tunes. 

“Mmm,” Alec sighs, closing his eyes and leaning back on the pillows. His eyes are already drooping a bit. “This is nice.”   


“Yes, yes it is. Shall I get some wine from the other room in celebration?”

“No, it’s fine. Just stay here. With me. It’s loud and scary out there.”

Magnus scoffs. “I’ve gone through worse. But alright, I’ll do it, of course. Anything for you.”

Alec holds out his arms. “Good.” They laugh. 

Alec’s never been able to get over the shock of how quickly they can transition from times so low to a normal, happy couple again. Alec feels like that didn’t even just happen then, like he’s about to go back to his normal life except for the fact that…that now he’s going to see a therapist. 

Holy sh—

_ He’s going to see someone to help him. _

He’s going to be alright. He’s going to be okay. 

And he’s…he’s  _ okay  _ with letting himself be alright. Because of Magnus. 

Ridiculously, tears are brought to his eyes. He wants to roll them, but Magnus has already noticed and looked over, starting to fuss. 

“Alec, baby, what’s wrong?”

Alec would literally rather be in any other situation at the current time then crying in front of his boyfriend (about something so stupid), but on the other hand, it’s happened so many times why not just say fuck it. 

“I—just, thank you Magnus. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I really don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t in my life. And I hate how cliche that sounds, but it’s true. I love you, you stupid, amazing idiot.”   


Magnus grins. And it’s a real smile, not one put on for the media or a fake one with fake friends, but this is one Alec likes to thinks is especially made for him. It’s personal and sweet and happy. It’s like a softer side of Magnus’s entire personality comes out from just a smile. 

And on the mental train of ‘Fuck It’, Alec adds, “God, I love that smile.”

Magnus—he honest to god  _ giggles  _ and leans in to fully embrace Alec on top of him. 

“I love you,” he sighs into Alec’s neck. 

And, without an ounce of hesitation; “I love you too.”

Maybe Alec needs to give parties a second chance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I kinda hate this but uhm I think I'm going to make this the end. For now. Let me know if you have any ideas or anything for a sequel, because I'd be happy to write it.   
> Coming out with an sappy xmas one-shot soon. Excited about it. Stay tuned.


End file.
